WWE Raw
November 2, 2009
Worcester, MA
DCU Center

Note: Justin was watching the Yankees LOSE (sorry big guy) last night, so I’m your substitute Raw recapper. I was watching the Saints/Falcons game which is why this is a day late. My bad.

We see some smoke rising in front of the ring with Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne inside. One of Ozzy’s songs plays overhead. I’m not the biggest Ozzy fan, so I couldn’t tell you what it is and I can’t make out any of the lyrics. Surprised? I mean, it’s Ozzy. ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN! Kiddies, this isn’t the first time Ozzy has been inside a WWE ring. Sharon introduces a clip of WrestleMania 2 where Ozzy accompanied the British Bulldogs and yelled, “BRITISH BULLDOGS FOREVERRRRR!” Sigh. He also appeared on Smackdown in 2007 to perform with his band, “I Don’t Wanna Stop”. I did know that one. Alright, let’s move on. Ozzy says he has no recollection of either one of those appearances and the crowd cheers. YAY MIND-ALTERING DRUGS! Where’s CM Punk when you need him? Speaking of MTV whores, The Miz interrupts to say he’s a bigger star than all of the Osbourne family combined. O RLY? Since Ozzy and Sharon are the guest hosts, he wants them to overturn the decision last week where Miz lost to Evan (Os?)Bourne by countout. Ozzy interrupts Miz to ask him who he is. Well he’s certainly not part of the British Bulldogs. He’s Miz and he’s awesome. Now DiBiase and Rhodes interrupt the Miz to tell him how petty he’s being for complaining about a countout loss. They have much bigger problems – Kofi Kingston vandalized the Randy Orton NASCAR and they want a handicap match with that punk – tonight. The interruptions just keep getting bigger as the Big Show comes to the ring. He tells Ozzy to ignore the three complainers in the ring because he was betrayed and assaulted by the entire Raw roster. Now he wants an apology. So Ozzy apologizes? Big Show threatens that somebody is going to get a BIG RIGHT HAND OF DEATH tonight. Ozzy screams “Sharonnnnnn” and out comes Degeneration-X. What the FFFF could they possibly have to complain about? Triple H calls the four already in the ring the “ratings killers”, so they have come to save the day. They plug Ozzy and DX’s books coming out eventually in fine bookstores everywhere. H whispers to Ozzy and then Ozzy repeats as he points to the Miz, “You will wrestle Evan Bron tonight…” and H whispers again, “…for the US title.” Shawn plugs WrestleMania tickets which go on sale this Saturday while taking a dig at Legacy. He whispers to Sharon who repeats back to Legacy, making a Kofi Kingston versus Randy Orton match for later tonight, which isn’t what they asked for at all. Big Show doesn’t want an apology now, maybe he just wants to see a warm-up match for Survivor Series with Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and John Cena. Big Show plays the DX game and whispers his idea to Ozzy, but HHH changes the plans and whispers in Ozzy’s other ear to make a John Cena-Big Show-Chris Jericho main event. Big Show is pissed, but Sharon says these matches are final. If you’re not down with that, you can suck it.

WrestleMania XXVI is coming March 28 2010. Buy your tickets this Saturday at noon at Ticketmaster.com!

• WWE U.S. Champion The Miz vs. Evan Bourne
  

Miz kicks and stomps Bourne around to start. They go for the hiptoss across the ring spot, but Bourne catches himself on the top rope and springs down into a rana on Miz. Spinning heel kick sends Miz to the floor where Bourne follows him out with a slingshot diving double knee drop on the shoulders. Incredible. Back inside, that gets two. Bourne tries to charley horse the leg, but Miz comes back with a knee to the gut. “MIZ IS AWESOME” chants begin. He drops Bourne stomach first on the top rope and then grabs a deep ab stretch on the mat while Cole shills Ozzy’s biography again. How much you want to bet he just read the part about the bat? Bourne escapes a pumphandle slam and falls on top for two. Miz attempts another front suplex, but Bourne knees out and knee strikes Miz into the corner. Shining Wizard misses, but Bourne catches himself and hits a springboard roundhouse kick to the back of the head for 1-2-NO! Miz headbutts the gut and charges Bourne in the corner, but Bourne brings a foot up to block and flips up onto the top turnbuckle for to go AIR BOURNE. Miz moves, but Bourne lands on his feet and charges into a hiptoss that sends him crashing into the corner. SKULL CRUSHING FINALE! It’s all over. (4:14) So Miz gets his win back. They really need to do more with Evan Bourne though. I don’t think there’s any argument there. **

Please don’t try this at home.

Josh Matthews gets a word with Sheamus. Will he try to impress Ozzy Osbourne? He thinks Ozzy should have retired a long time ago and after tonight, Jamie Noble’s career WILL be over. Soooo, I’m guessing the answer is no.

• Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble

At least until Bryan Danielson arrives, Sheamus is the whitest man ever in WWE. Total squash. Sheamus takes Noble to the floor and runs him into the ringpost. Back in, more ripping and tearing and beating and knee strikes before he delivers the IRISH CURSE! Bicycle Kick connects, but Sheamus lifts him up at two. He puts the boots to Noble in the corner until the ref stops the match. (2:24) Oh it’s not over. Sheamus places Noble up top and boots him out to the floor for a POWERBOMB. Here come the referee squad to prevent anymore spine-busting moves. Poor Noble ends up doing a stretcher job. Somewhere I’m sure Bono is smiling. ½*

WWE DID YOU KNOW: Last Monday night, Raw was watched by more male viewers than every program on NBC, the CW, and FOX? Sounds impressive, but let’s see what is on at 9-11 on those networks. CW has Gossip Girl at 9pm, FOX has Lie To Me at 9pm and then the local news at 10pm, and NBC has Trauma at 9pm and the Jay Leno Show at 10pm. So the only show out of that two hour block on those three networks that a majority of the male demo would even WATCH is the Jay Leno Show.

A recap video is shown of last week’s Raw where Kofi Kingston pinned Chris Jericho before being attacked by Randy Orton and knocked off the stage because he ended up costing him the WWE title at Bragging Rights. As a consolation prize, DiBiase and Rhodes made Randy a custom-made NASCAR. Since Kofi was pissed about the shove off the stage, he ends up vandalizing Orton’s new NASCAR.

Josh Matthews stops Kofi Kingston on his way to the ring. The man refuses to be bullied by anybody. Heyyyyyy, where’d your accent go?

• Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston
  

Kofi fights off an assault from Orton and clotheslines him out. Back in, Orton gets dumped out on top of DiBiase and Rhodes who run down to ringside. Here comes Kingston with a suicide dive! That’s all real and good, but it’s 3-on-1 pal. While Legacy surrounds the ring, Ozzy and Sharon interrupt us on the jumbotron and changes this match to a 6-man tag. I thought all the matches were final? MVP and Mark Henry (or The Kool-Aid Men, whichever you wish to call them) head to the ring to join Kofi Kingston. LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! Commercials!

• The Legacy vs. Kofi Kingston, MVP & Mark Henry

When we return, the match is in progress and Kingston is making a comeback out of a chinlock. Double chop to DiBiase! Armdrag and a double chop to Rhodes! VINTAGE STEAMBOAT! Orton takes a hiptoss and heads to the floor. Russian legsweep to DiBiase apparently leaves him for dead as Kingston and MVP deliver STEREO BOOM DROP AND BALLIN. Cover, 1-2-NO! WHAT. In comes Mark Henry, who takes care of a double team attempt from DiBiase and Rhodes. MVP screws it all up and runs into a boot in the corner to become *your* face in peril. This goes on for several minutes while everybody takes their turn punishing MVP and preventing him from making a tag. Belly to belly toss to DiBiase sets up a HOT TAG TO MARK HENRY! Rhodes gets squashed with an Avalanche, but Orton saves him from a running powerslam. RKO? Nope. Kingston saves Henry with a dropkick to Orton that sends him to the outside. Rhodes comes off the top with a flying bodypress, but gets caught for the WORLDS STRONGEST SLAM. See ya later. (9:46 shown for the whole thing) Dang what a hot crowd. This was a perfectly fine formula tag for TV. Kingston stares and points at Orton while he sulks up the aisle way looking as only Orton can look at somebody. **¼

RAW’S GOT TALENT: In this age of terrible talent shows that are DONE to death on basically every major network, I don’t think I need to explain what this means. Ozzy, Sharon, and the Great Khali are your judges. Great – only one person anyone can even understand. Apparently the Ryan Seacrest of the segment, Jerry Lawler, speaks Indo-Aryan all of a sudden and interprets what Khali says. He’s got a big crush on Kelly Osbourne. Sharon would love him as a son-in-law. REALITY SHOWWWWWWW. The first contestant is Santino Marella dressed in his best interpretation of Ozzy Osbourne as he will sing Ozzy’s 1983 hit song “Bark at the Moon”. He’s got ripped up white pants on splattered with “blood”. Perhaps bat blood, Cole? Santino changes his mind and decides to do something as equally impressive. He’s going to bite the head of a bat…man figure. Both Ozzy and Sharon disapprove and give him the thumbs down. STEREO THUMBS DOWN! Chris Masters is the next contestant and booby dances to the beat of “Crazy Train”. Sharon approves while Ozzy & Khali are oddly mesmerized. Our final contestants are Chavo Guerrero and Jillian. She’s a HUGE fan of Ozzy. How about a duet of Ozzy and Lita Ford’s 1989 hit “Close My Eyes Forever”? Yeah, they get buzzed. Jillian says Sharon has always been jealous of Lita Ford and she’s really not even a fan of Ozzy. They head to the ring as Jillian starts singing some Britney Spears. Of course she gets a Linda McMahon slap. Chavo wants Ozzy to control his wife, but he knows he can’t do it by himself. Chavo gets in Sharon’s face until Khali stands up and BRAIN CHOPS him away. Uh oh, Hornswoggle dressed as Jack Osbourne runs down and TADPOLE SPLASHES poor Chavo.

Bouncy Bouncy Smiley Smiley Kelly Kelly is WALKING. He high fives the Bella Twins as they walk past Gail Kim. Just so she doesn’t get left out of this segment, Eve comes over and gives Gail Kim the DOUBLE high five! They’re all smiling! Everybody’s happy and having a good time!

Next week’s host is one of Mayweather’s biggest foes – British pro boxer Ricky Hatton!

• Divas Battle Royal – Winner gets a Divas title shot

Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Eve, and the Bella Twins are your competitors. Figures the only chick who hits a wrestling move (straight jacket neckbreaker on one of the twins) gets eliminated first by Kelly Kelly. Gail Kim is kind of pissed at that. Jack Swagger comes out to get a closer look at the ladies – specifically Eve. She’s ruling the ring right now eliminating both the Bella Twins until she catches eyes with Swagger and gets tossed by Alicia. Kelly Kelly tries to get rid of Alicia with a Handspring Back Elbow in the corner, but Alicia catches her and throws Kelly to the floor! (2:43) What? Alicia Fox is the new #1 contender. Melina seems somewhat pleased. I would be too. What’s this chick done anyway? ¼*

Update on Jamie Noble: He’s got some serious back and neck issues. Good luck, Jamie! We’ll miss you?

Earlier Tonight: WWE’s Got Boobies and Jackswoggle?

Another recap video shows the recent happenings with Rey Mysterio and his big pal Batista over on Smackdown.

Chris Jericho interrupts what looks like Ozzy tweaking Sharon’s nipples to tell him that he’s a HUGE fan of his, but now he realizes that he’s better than Ozzy. And if either one of them embarrasses him again, it will be “The Ultimate Sin”, won’t it.

Well gee, what’s DX doing? Talking to Jackswoggle I see. They have him hung up to the wall so they can see him at eye level. They rip off his afro wig and warn him to never imitate DX again. John Cena appears for the first time tonight and helps Hornswoggle off the wall as he’s crotch chopping DX. Cena tells DX that you can never hang a leprechaun on a hook. His uncle did it one time, but he only did it once. Once, Hunter…once. Anyways, Hunter tells Cena that he’s not really sweating the triple threat match at Survivor Series since he just beat Cena two weeks ago. Next week Raw will be in the UK, and the UK is where Shawn beat Cena. Bottom line is, they have all beat each other. They beat each other all the time! Well what do you know. The Bella Twins are standing right beside them, heard the whole thing, and decide to leave. Oh look, Cena is embarrassed. Shawn ~ “Way to go!” While Shawn is no genius, he knows that DX has the mathematical advantage to walk out of Survivor Series with the WWE championship. Whatever. THE CHAMP IS HERE!

• WWE Champion John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show – non-title match
  

DX joins us for commentary to make fun of Michael Cole by saying “vintage” and “oh my” a bunch of times. Hilarious. Triple H is more into that than Shawn seems to be. He’s more about putting Cena over for being a toughie. After a commercial break, the match is in progress. Cena shoves Big Show off into the ringpost and hits the release fisherman’s suplex on Jericho for two. With Big Show still on the floor, he pulls Cena out and throws him into the barricade a couple times. When he sends Cena back in, Jericho jumps on the cover for two. Big Show’s not cool with that. Nevertheless, they continue to double-team the champ. Meanwhile DX fails at math and Cole corrects them. HOW DARE HE? Back in the ring, Cena avoids an avalanche from Big Show and hits a face slam on Jericho, but stands up into a spear by the Big Show. Lionsault connects for 1-2-NO! Show pulls him off the cover! Now Jericho is PISSED. He slaps Big Show around and then takes a face palm that sends him all the way to the floor. Cena escapes the CHOKESLAM and goes for the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, but he collapses. Could it be pump splash time? No, Cena moves and shoulderblocks Show to the floor. That leaves more shoulderblocks and the Protobomb. Five Knuckle Shuffle sets up the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, but Show saves his championship partner with a BIG RIGHT HAND OF DEATH. Jericho gets the 1-2-3 after all. (7:14 shown) They were screwing with us all the whole time! Those two are still friends! Now that the handshakes are over and Cena is still down, they put him in a WALLS OF JERICHO/CAMEL CLUTCH submission. Since DX are such decent guys, they try to make the save. Shawn steps into a BIG RIGHT HAND OF DEATH while HHH takes a headbutt into a CODEBREAKER! Yes! Will this lead to DX taking the tag belts from these two and being the unified tag champs until kingdom come? Oh man I hope not. **

And with that, we are outta here.