PWG: The Secret of the Ooze!
August 14, 2004
Los Angeles, CA
Jewish Community Center

Your hosts are Disco Machine and Excalibur.

PWG heavyweight champ Frankie Kazarian enters the ring and reminds all the “retards” of his accomplishments in Cali. We get it – he’s won a bunch of indy titles. That includes also being a 2-time TNA X-Division champ! Tonight he has to defend his belt against Colt Cabana (w/Mr. Vander Pyle) who shows up for a rebuttal. He runs through his various accolades – 6-time marshmallow eating champion, 3-time Illinois State ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’ champion, “Hun-gry Hip-pos” *clap clap clapclapclap* chants! He can chug a glass of tang faster than anybody else in this room. He’s a former WCW U.S. champion, former WWF Intercontinental champion, former ECW Mid-Atlantic coast heavyweight Atlantic coast champion, and the 3-time 1-2-3 put Iron Sheik in the camel clutch WWF heavyweight champion. Hmm, quite impressive! Although I’m not sure I believe him. Actually, I know I don’t believe him. Tonight, Cabana wants some revenge for Kaz ridding PWG of his boy from Chi-Town Adam Pearce last month. But above all else, Colt’s going home the PWG champ tonight!

• Human Tornado & Supa Badd vs. Top Gun Talwar & Charles Mercury vs. Excalibur & Disco Machine vs. Los Rojo Locos – Tag Team Scrambled Eggs Gauntlet Match
  

In Scrambled Eggs rules, tags are encouraged, but not enforced. In some pre-match shenanigans, Mercury and Badd see who can do ten pushups the fastest. It’s pretty much a tie. Talwar and Tornado start the match. Talwar avoids some leapfrogs from Tornado and winds up on the floor with a dropkick. This leads to a big brawl on the floor. A basketball gets involved (since they’re in a rec center anyway) and slammed into Mercury’s face! He passes to Tornado who SLAM DUNKS and then ranas Talwar over onto the court! I love it. Back to the ring. Tornado leapfrogs over his partner onto Mercury for a legdrop, which gets two. Talwar takes not one, not two, but THREE atomic drops in a row. Supa Badd then insults him even more with a kick to the face for two. Mercury comes in and low-blows Badd for a Texas Cloverleaf. Meanwhile, Talwar blocks a monkey flip from Tornado into a Ric Flair corner pin for 1-2-3. (3:25) Next up, we have Talwar/Mercury vs. Excalibur/Disco. Talwar tries to bridge Excalibur over in a test of strength, but they all of a sudden stop when Mercury and Disco are standing there looking at them. Talwar and Mercury deliver STEREO MONKEY FLIPS and put Excalibur and Disco on the floor with dropkicks. Talwar meets the two on the floor with a somersault plancha, Mercury meets everyone with a 450 plancha. Talwar sends Disco into the thinly-padded walls while in the ring, Mercury is working over Excalibur. Talwar tags and hits a basement shoulderblock for two. They plant Excalibur with a DDT and try for a double-team tilt-a-whirl splash on him, but that doesn’t pan out well. Mercury dumps Talwar on him anyway. Excalibur on commentary – “That is what we call a mid-ring abortion.” Guillotine leg drop from Mercury gets two. On a comeback, Excalibur dumps Talwar and hits Mercury with a spinning leg lariat. Tag to Disco, who hits a snap powerslam on Mercury for 1-2-NO! Mercury then reverses a cross-corner whip on Disco into a Sky High from Talwar for 1-2-NO! Disco blocks a tornado DDT with an atomic drop and rolls up Talwar for two. Meanwhile on the floor, Excalibur gives Talwar a tombstone piledriver on a chair! After some counters back and forth in the ring, Disco Machine finally hits the CHOKEBREAKER on Mercury for 1-2-3. (9:23 total) And finally, Excalibur/Disco vs. Los Rojo Locos! Yeah, I like these guys! They bum rush the ring taking out Excalibur and then double-teaming Disco Machine from behind. One of the Locos works the back of Disco with multiple elbow drops to start. The other Locos tags in and applies an elevated Boston crab. Excalibur runs in to save while at the same time kicking Disco in the eye by accident. Disco receives a pair of hard whips into the corner. Backbreaker gets two. Disco then gets tossed into some knees in the corner which was pretty cool and takes an elbow drop for 1-2-NO! The Locos try for a double-team rack into a faceslam move, but Disco flips out and basement dropkicks them both. HOT TAG TO EXCALIBUR! He hits the Locos with the Superfly Splash for 1-2-NO! Now he goes FOREARM CRAZY! Brainbuster to one of the Locos gets two. Excalibur gets grabbed coming off the ropes and double-teamed until Disco trips up one of the Locos and pulls him out. One Locos guy heads up top, but the other guy runs into a hotshot from Excalibur, crotching his partner. Excalibur gets hoisted up on the other Locos guy’s shoulders, while the other is hoisted up on Disco’s shoulders! They meet and slap each other around until Disco gets pie-faced down and Excalibur takes a forward electric chair drop into the other Locos guy’s nuts – or tuercas for you Spanish speaking people out there. One of the Locos gets tied up, which apparently gives Disco and Excalibur free-reign to try and pull his mask off. He’s saved by his brother as Disco takes a Backcracker. The tied-up Locos fights off Excalibur and double-stomps Disco while he’s still on his brother’s knees! That leads to a half crab/Crippler Crossface combo from the Locos! Excalibur tries to save, so they have to release the crossface to cut him off. Disco almost makes it to the ropes, but then he’s pulled back to the center of the ring and taps out to give the Locos the win. (17:40 total) Decent enough. Standard tag formula stuff in this fall at least. The other falls were obviously more spotty. **½

• Joey Ryan vs. Quicksilver
  

Ryan was supposed to face Chris Bosh, but as Excalibur mentioned in the last match, Bosh forgot to ask off at his job where he sells spark plugs and couldn’t show up tonight. Whether they’re serious or not, who really knows. Not that he works at an auto parts store – I believe that – but that he forgot to ask off work. Quicksilver answers the open challenge. Ryan is one-half of the PWG tag champs along with Scott Lost at the time AND he’s wearing his Fantastic Four tights tonight. Sweet. Ryan also has his deltoid taped here thanks to a fastball that hit him while he was playing baseball. Soooo Quicksilver makes a night of working the arm, including a nice standing moonsault on the arm. Joey Ryan goes to the floor for a bit. Disco is convinced he’s just doing that to scan the crowd for chicks. Back in, Quicksilver continues to work an armbar. When Ryan tries to escape, he nails him with a leg lariat for two. Quicksilver rips off the tape and smashes Ryan’s deltoid into the turnbuckle a couple times. Ryan turns that around and delivers a hammerlock back suplex. Well that hurts, so Quicksilver goes to the floor. He pulls Ryan out, but gets sent off into the ringpost. Ryan comes off the apron with a springboard crossbody. Back in, that gets two. Ryan with a hammerlock slam for two. Hammerlock Northern Lights suplex gets two! Quicksilver escapes a hammerlock by dumping Ryan out to the floor for a tope! Back in, Quicksilver applies a hammerlock roll/headscissors hold. Ryan rolls him off and applies a cross armbreaker. Quicksilver escapes *that* and grabs a Fujiwara armbar! Ryan breaks free and decides “enough of the submissions!” by drilling Quicksilver with a spinebuster. Quicksilver answers back with a spinebuster of his own! Uh oh, Quicksilver applies a Cristo, but Ryan escapes with a shoulderbreaker. Quicksilver knees out of a Rings of Saturn, but ducks low off a whip and takes a powerbomb! Cover, 1-2-NO! Quicksilver flips out of another powerbomb, but Ryan gets a jackknife rollup for 1-2-3. (13:26) They didn’t forget about the arm work not one time during the whole match. Psychology like that will always win me over. Very good match from start to finish. ***¼

The evil commish Paul T calls a random fat black kid in the front row Ruben Studdard. 2004 seems so long ago! Anyways, Paul T says he’s mad about the lack of title defenses with Joey Ryan and his partner Scott Lost. They also can’t get along, so Paul T decides that they have a ladder match and the winner gets a new partner of his choosing. Bam. Paul T is a problem solver.

• Brad Bradley & Babi Slymm (w/Mr. Vander Pyle) vs. Apollo Khan & Brandon Thomaselli
  

Bradley and Thomaselli hook up to start. Bradley overpowers Thomaselli and whenever Thomaselli gets an opening, he takes it by trying kick Bradley down. The brothas tag in for their chance to shine. They trade headlocks and hammerlocks until Khan fires away with dropkicks. Back to the white guys. More dominance from Bradley. He runs into a boot in the corner though and Thomaselli tries a crossbody, but Bradley walks away ala Samoa Joe. Release German suplex from Bradley gets two. Slymm tags in and works a chinlock before he plants a back elbow on Thomaselli for two. Daunte Culpepper Elbow connects! Huh, Slymm doesn’t really seem like a Vikings fan to me. That gets two. Thomaselli receives more heelish punishment with rope chokes and boot rakes until he flips out of a suplex from Bradley. He tries for a sunset flip, but Bradley’s too big and squashes the little guy. Basic backbreaker to Thomaselli gets another two-count. Airplane spin! Bradley’s all dizzy and just has to tag out after that one. Slymm hoists Thomaselli up into the air off a whip causing him to land face-first on the canvas. Out of nowhere off a whip, Thomaselli hits a basement dropkick and makes his way over to Khan for a tag. Khan hits a springboard spear onto Slymm’s knee. I don’t think that was supposed to happen like that. Bradley comes in and takes a dropkick out to the floor as Thomaselli hits him with a quebrada. Bradley still manages to low-bridge Khan off a whip. He tosses Khan back in as Slymm covers for two. Khan plays face-in-peril for a while, but comes back with a back suplex. Tag to Thomaselli, who goes nuts with the forearms on Bradley. Excalibur on commentary ~ “If you were to mix Khan, Thomaselli and Bradley into a glass of milk, you would find that skim milk would be more exciting than those three men are.” Double suplex to Bradley, followed by a standing SSP by Thomaselli gets 1-2-NO! Slymm makes the save and dumps Khan out. Meanwhile, Thomaselli looks to be going for a dragonrana, but Bradley catches him and flips him onto his feet for a SICK clothesline. That gets the win. (14:29) Slymm has charisma somewhat similar to Cryme Tyme, but not even all that charisma could make this really all that watchable. The heat segments were rather bland, but the finish wasn’t so bad. *½

• Puma vs. Josh Prohibition
  

This was supposed to be Josh Prohibition vs. Super Dragon, but because American Dragon Bryan Danielson was called over to Japan, the card had to be reshuffled. Puma is PWG regular TJ Perkins in a mask. He’s had a few stints on TV in TNA, but other than that he’s pretty much been an indy mainstay. They trade lots of armdrags and twists to begin the match. Puma hits a suplex, but runs into a missile dropkick by Prohibition. He hits a ocean cyclone suplex on Puma for two. Puma reverses a tombstone piledriver into one of his own and attempts the tornado DDT, but Prohibition blocks it and hooks Puma in a double underhook submission. Prohibition blocks a Northern Lights suplex escape and nails Puma with a Falcon Arrow for 1-2-NO! Brainbuster gets another two. Prohibition’s getting a little frustrated now. Standing switch by Puma, who takes advantage with a bridging German suplex for two. Prohibition delivers a reverse DDT to the knee, but Puma flips out of a suplex and rolls Prohibition up for the FIGURE-FOUR DEATHLOCK! Prohibition taps out to give Puma the win. (9:12) Prohibition wasn’t a success in the 1920s and it wasn’t here either. Once they got past all the meaningless arm work, this picked up quite nicely. **¼

• PWG Champion Frankie Kazarian vs. Colt Cabana (w/Mr. Vander Pyle)
  

“Puss in boots” chant directed at Kazarian. That’s actually pretty clever. Kaz responds by calling some innocent bystander a “fag in glasses” and a “fat guy wearing his wife’s panties”. I think that’s what he said anyway. Nevertheless, some real zingers from the Coolest. To set up this match, Cabana won a #1 contenders triple-threat match at the first anniversary show the month before. Cabana wears the Chris Sabo glasses for this one, by the way. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just Google image Chris Sabo for a laugh. Nice chain wrestling goes on between the two to start. Cabana grabs an armbar and goes with it all the way to the floor and through the fans and back into the ring, which is quite hilarious. Now THAT’S being tenacious, Michael Cole. Kaz escapes and blocks a rollup off the ropes – sending Cabana crashing to the mat. Meanwhile, there’s some great commentary on the recent behavior change of Kazarian, who once was apparently a volunteer firefighter and contributed to disaster relief funds in the SoCal area, but now he lights cigarettes just for fun and without even inhaling them, he drops them in dry wooded areas. If there’s a fire in California, authorities should find Kazarian because he’s probably to blame. Meanwhile, Kazarian legsweeps Cabana from the apron and shoots back in the ring with a slingshot legdrop for two. They exchange double-chickenwing submissions on the mat until Kazarian makes the ropes. Kazarian tries to block another rollup off the ropes, but Cabana won’t fall for that again. He plays possum and surprises Kazarian with a small package for 1-2-NO! Classic! Kazarian whips Cabana into the corner and delivers a Jeff Hardy-esque corner dropkick. Kazarian looks to insult Cabana with his own COLT 45. Cabana avoids that and tries Kazarian’s WAVE OF THE FUTURE, but Kazarian avoids that too. Cabana settles with a DDT for now. He follows up with a series of punches and finishes with a small package for 1-2-NO! Cabana hits a flying forearm for 1-2-NO! Now Kazarian gets thrown out over the top rope to the floor where his knee is met with the ringside steps. Cabana teases a tope and then decides to hit Kazarian with a baseball slide instead. He tries for a chop up against the ringpost, but Kazarian ducks and Cabana’s forearm meets steel. Well, whatever PWG’s ringpost is made of. I know it doesn’t have any give to it. Back in, Cabana looked like he was going for the WAVE OF THE FUTURE on the top rope, but Kazarian shoves him off and hits a Blockbuster instead. That gets two. Cabana starts a comeback with a knee-lift, but Vander Pyle grabs his leg as he comes off the ropes into the WAVE OF THE FUTURE. That gets three and Kazarian retains. (13:15) Really – a fun match. This signals the heel turn of Vander Pyle and company, as Babi Slymm and Brad Bradley come out to do the triple-team beatdown along with Kazarian on Cabana. Vander Pyle calls his new little faction the First Family of PWG. He continues to speak until Cabana chases the entire First Family away with a chair. Already they’ve lost credibility. ***½

• CM Punk vs. Donovan Morgan
  

In the pre-match shenanigans, Donovan Morgan invites a “lucky” girl from the audience to come in and take off his shirt for him like he’s Rick Rude or something. Word of advice to the guys out there: don’t go to indy wrestling shows to pick up chicks. Morgan puts a liplock on her and winds up getting a shoe tossed at him for his romantic efforts. After all that, we kill more time as Morgan grabs the stick and brags about being such a success in NOAH while CM Punk wears Stevie Richards “StevieCorp” tights. Blah blah blah, shut up and wrestle. Another real basic start here. Tie-ups, waistlock takedowns and such. Morgan continues to try and escape a waistlock after the fact, which makes him look ridiculous and makes the rubes go tee-hee. Morgan thumbs Punk in the eye, but charges into a ringpost to start up some arm work for Punk. He hooks a short arm scissors followed by an armbreaker over the shoulder. Morgan ducks a clothesline and takes Punk for a ride with a t-bone suplex. He follows up with a basement dropkick to the shoulders for two. Hard corner clothesline gets another two-count. Morgan applies a head scissors and cheats using the ropes. Punk hits a desperation DDT to gain a breather. He drills Morgan with a clothesline for two. Jumping shin kick gets another two-count. They exchange forearms – ending with an armbreaker DDT to set up the Crippler Crossface. Morgan makes the ropes. He catches Punk with a boot out of the corner and hits a flying DDT off the middle rope. Cover, 1-2-NO! Swinging Fisherman Suplex gets 1-2-NO! Morgan goes for the SAYONARA, but Punk reverses that into a backslide and gets 1-2-3. (10:11) Really? A backslide? This felt like Punk was phoning it in for some reason. But then again, I watched Joe vs. Punk II recently, so it might seem that way with every CM Punk match for a while now. **

• Samoa Joe vs. Super Dragon – #1 Contender’s Match for the PWG Championship
  

This could’ve been Joe/Danielson, but instead we get the battle of the SoCal indy legends. Of course Joe is the only one to really outgrow the region. Duh. The crowd throws in some streamers for Super Dragon and one guy throws his in late, so Super Dragon gets in his face. They have a nice friendly waistlock exchange until Super Dragon kicks Joe in the face. Joe doesn’t go crazy on him just yet though. He lets it slide. Then Super Dragon tries to kick him down once more. Again, Joe doesn’t lose his cool. Dragons grabs a Fujiwara armbar and then attempts a Curb Stop, but Joe rolls away. Now Dragon SLAPS Joe in the face! Ok, it’s on now. Joe fires back with chops and slaps. He hits a series of knee strikes to the head. That causes Dragon to hit the floor to rethink this thing. Sorry, did that last sentence sound like Dusty Rhodes? Back in, Joe NO-SELLS a running forearm in the corner. Dragon tries the forearm again and sees an STJOE coming, so he puts on the brakes and nails Joe with a rolling wheel kick. Dragon thinks he’s got Joe dazed, so he charges again and mistakenly runs into a belly-to-belly throw. Dragon’s out to the floor – Joe charges and connects with the forearm suicida. That puts Dragon out into the crowd. Small crowd, but there’s still people there. Joe sends Dragon in an entire section of probably twenty chairs or more. Dragon’s little comebacks seem to aggravate Joe than they are actually physically effecting Joe. It just makes him more physical. Back in the ring, a stalling suplex from Joe gets two. Next up, Joe snapmares Dragon over for the chop/kick/knee drop combo for two. Dragon tries to come back on several different occasions, but Joe just one-ups whatever he throws at him whether its kicks or forearms. Joe attempts the Running Face Wash, but Dragon sends Joe to the floor with an enziguri. Dragon meets him on the floor with a Sky Twisting Press! He almost hit the apron on that one. As Joe tries to crawl back in the ring, Dragon comes off the top with a double-stomp. Cover, 1-2-NO! Dragon hits a tornado DDT into a butterfly lock, but Dragon can’t get his hands clasped. Joe’s too big! It looks like it doesn’t even hurt but he still stays with the hold. Joe makes the ropes. Dragon starts up the Violence Party, but that pisses Joe off. He unloads with slaps – including a spinning back hand for 1-2-NO! Powerbomb by Joe leads to the STF, followed by the Crippler Crossface. Dragon makes the ropes, but he’s met with Kawada Kicks. He blocks one and takes Joe over with a dragon screw leg whip. Dragon charges at Joe in the corner, but gets tossed straight into the ringpost. Now Joe goes to work on the arm. He headbutts Dragon’s wrist during an arm wringer and then Japanese armdrags him over to set up an armbar. Dragon makes the ropes and comes back with a discus forearm. That puts Joe down as Dragon covers for two. Dragon wants to do a springboard, but his arm hurts too bad. He comes off the top instead with the flying leg lariat, however Joe catches him in mid-air and drives him down to the mat. Cover gets two. Dragon won’t allow a slam, so Joe settles for some more Kawada Kicks. Joe tries the slam again, but Dragon slips out and tries for the PSYCHO DRIVER. He gets Joe up on his shoulders, but he falls away and hooks a sleeper. Dragon counters *that* with a back suplex for two. Super Dragon comes off the top again with a double-stomp to the head! Cover, 1-2-NO! Joe blocks one clothesline, but not a second one. Cover again, 1-2-NO! Dragon comes off the ropes again, but Joe snaps him over for a powerslam for two. Joe maneuvers over into the cross armbreaker, but Dragon makes the ropes. Paintbrushing from Joe leads to some more strong slaps. That fires Dragon up for another attempt at Violence Party, but Joe blocks the final clothesline that completes the Violence Party and tosses Dragon up and over the top rope to the floor. Dragon is pretty much KO’ed after that and stays out on the floor for the 20-count. (22:13) Bah. Another crappy finish. Joe dominated way too much of this for me to actually believe that Dragon had a chance of winning, therefore ruining the dream match feel to it. Although I only know of three matches between these two, I’ve heard the second one was much better than the original one here. ***

Extras:
Various interviews lasting around ten minutes from outside the Jew Center.

Los Rojo Locos – They are really horrible at speaking Spanish and somehow that’s okay. Of course they want the belts but then they change into their normal accent and mention how they miss the Ballards being in PWG because they’re a better team than they are.

Babi Slymm – PWG doesn’t need no cruiserweights, the flippies, and the million hurracanranas. Babi Slymm keepin’ it gangsta.

Colt Cabana – He has some trouble quoting some Grandmaster Flash and then goes off on the First Family. He’s going to England to craft his hones and hone his craft. Don’t worry though PWG, he’ll be back. In case you miss him, push rewind on your DVD player and you can watch him this interview over and over again.

PWG Champ Frankie Kazarian – When’s Chicago going to give Kazarian a challenge? He’s beaten Adam Pearce and now Cabana. Who’s next? Michael Jordan? Mike Ditka? Harry Carey? How about the WHOLE state of Illinois. Oh yeah, and he’s not afraid of Samoa Joe. He’s beat him before and he’ll do it again. As for Super Dragon, he’s good – but he’s not the coolest and he’s not the future.

The First Family of PWG – Vander Pyle talks a pile of crap. These boys use a lot of vulgar language. You better clean it up, fellas.

Samoa Joe – The fans got what they wanted, now Joe wants something. That’s the PWG championship.

Final Thoughts: A couple solid matches, but nothing must-see by any means. The opening segment and the opening match was probably the most entertaining, while the rest was some decent wrestling. Some of it felt a bit long to me though. It sounded like it would’ve been a better card had Japan not come calling to Danielson and others. I have to admit though – this show made me a Colt Cabana fan that I really wasn’t before. Bottom line, I’ll go with thumbs in the middle for Secret of the Ooze. My next PWG review will be All Star Weekend: Night Two! Sorry – I have a random selection of PWG DVDs and that one comes next since I’ll be reviewing them in chronological order.