April 19, 2010
East Rutherford, NJ
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler.
Tonight’s Guest Host: The cast of MacGruber. How about getting Richard Dean Anderson some time? BOOK IT!
The Raw superstars are stuck in Ireland thanks to the massive volcano eruption that has stopped all flights anywhere near the Icelandic volcano. Either Triple H wasn’t on the European tour, or even the volcano jobs to the GAME-UH because here he comes. I’m hoping it’s the former because the latter is just SCARY! He comes out and makes volcano jokes. So what are we going to see tonight? Triple H says what you won’t be seeing is a 2 hour ironman match with Triple H versus Frank the audio guy. Okay, rest assured Triple H confesses that he wasn’t on the European tour. What a relief! HHH brings up Sheamus and calls him a pasty-faced teabag. He’s going to beat him any color besides white at Extreme Rules in a street fight. It’s been a long time since he’s wanted to beat someone up THIS badly. CM Punk and the Straight Edge Society interrupt. They need a new convert! Punk says the Smackdown crew had the intestinal fortitude to make it back through the volcanic ash onto friendly shores. Unfortunately, he’s in New Jersey. True that. Jersey sucks. OH! CM Punk agrees with me. Punk says if he’s heading to Raw after next week’s WWE draft, then he wants Triple H to know he’s bringing the Straight Edge Society with him. HHH isn’t all that intimidated because there’s just two of them. And let’s face it – Triple H wipes out entire Spirit Squads all by himself. HHH questions why Serena and Gallows have to shave their heads, yet CM Punk doesn’t. Are you retarded, Triple H? WHY DOES CM PUNK NEED TO PROVE ALLEGIANCE TO HIMSELF? CM Punk replies with a real zinger: “It’s the same reason Shawn Michaels was bald and you didn’t have to shave your hair.” CM Punk says no foreign chemicals have ever touched his hair. Triple H mentions shampoo and soap. Whoops. HHH says it makes no difference because Rey Mysterio will beat him at Extreme Rules and then all his hair will be gone. Whatever dude, Straight Edge is the strongest force on the planet. HHH could do some good to let Straight Edge into his heart. That sends HHH on an all-American freedom rant that we do what we want to do here in America. Why isn’t the national anthem playing?! HHH’s freedoms also include beating the crap out of the Straight Edge Society. CM Punk says he’s doesn’t even want to be here, but he thought he could come out here to make a statement and hope HHH would be on board with him. He hoped HHH would see the light and join the Straight Edge Society. This leads to a 3-on-1 beatdown on the GAME-UH. They pull out some clippers and hope to shave Triple H’s head until BOOYAKA plays and Rey Mysterio storms to the ring to make the save with his crazy lucha moves. I smell a tag match. HHH helps out and grabs CM Punk while Rey grabs the clippers. Uh oh, there goes a big strand of CM Punk’s hair. Hey I got an idea, BRUTUS BEEFCAKE SHOULD JOIN THE STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY! Who loves cutting hair more than this guy?
We’ll hear from WWE champ John Cena via satellite right after this next match!
- WWE Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy
I don’t typically care for the songs WWE picks for their theme music as something I would personally listen to, but I do enjoy hearing Drew McIntyre’s theme song. Hardy beats the heck out of McIntyre to start. They go to the floor and Hardy eats the steel steps to turn the tide. Back in, McIntyre controls with his short-arm clotheslines. They trade finisher attempts, but then McIntyre yanks Matt off the middle rope as he lands on his head for the 1-2-3. (3:05) Standard WWE action. Nothing more than that. ¾*
How’s it going in Belfast, John? I love how he assures everybody that all the WWE superstars are fine and well taken care of and then tears into Batista that he will swim across the Atlantic ocean if it comes to that so he can be at Extreme Rules to get his hands on Batista.
Alright back to Jersey, Vladimir Kozzzzzzzzzzlov is in the ring. He has a statement ready for the Raw guest hosts and Jerry Lawler has to read it because Vladimir’s English not so good. He goes into his Ivan Drago speech about America being weak and lacking integrity. Well Drago never said this, but Vladimir says that New Jersey is the most depressing place on earth. The cast of MacGruber interrupts – well, not the entire cast. Only Will Forte (MacGruber) and Kristen Wiig (his assistant Vicky) so far have showed up. Vicky announces tonight’s main event – Triple H, Rey Mysterio, and Edge will battle CM Punk, Luke Gallows, and Chris Jericho. MacGruber tries to defend New Jersey, which is a lost argument right from the start. He calls Vladimir a ‘giant pile of suck’. If MacGruber says anything else to insult him, Vlad will END HIM. MacGruber keeps it going anyway and calls Vladimir’s mom’s uterus a worse place than Jersey. OWWWW. MacGruber says he will give Vladimir a strong dose of the TRUTH! Well you can guess who is about to come out. Some random MacGruber explosives go off (probably a bomb made out of lint, lasagna, and a dash of lemon juice) and R-Truth explodes out of his shoes. The most HILARIOUS part of this whole segment is that you can see R-Truth sliding off to the right directly after the explosion. DANGIT! We were THAT CLOSE to getting rid of DA TROOF. So now MacGruber has to fight Kozlov now all by himself later tonight.
We’ll hear from Randy Orton – the #1 contender to the World Heavyweight title – via satellite pretty soon!
After the break, Triple H catches MacGruber wearing some PP pants. Being the good friend he is, MacGruber actually traded pants with Kane of all people so he wouldn’t have to walk around with PP pants. Kane doesn’t think that was the only thing MacGruber did in those pants. OH SNAP KANE GOT JOKES!
So what’s up, Randy? He says wherever he ends up after the WWE draft whether he stays on Raw or goes over to Smackdown, that’s where the World Heavyweight title is heading.
Back to Jersey, the World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger issues an open challenge. BONG! You’re a dumb idiot, Jack.
- World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker
I just can’t get used to Taker wearing a HOOD versus the hat. This is Taker’s first match on TV since WrestleMania. Naturally, this is non-title. They trade headlocks to start and then Taker hits Old School. Swagger comes back with a powerslam and they head to the floor where Swagger eats the steps. Still on the floor, Swagger reverses a whip and sends Taker knees first into the steps. He doesn’t take the bump as well as he usually does, but that’s cool. He is older and got bad knees now, ya know. Back inside, Swagger goes after the knees and Taker yanks him out to get Swagger to stop. Taker legdrops Swagger on the apron and gives him a suplex in the ring for two. Commercials! We return and Swagger is channeling the spirit of Terry Funk with a spinning toe hold. Swagger changes over to a leg bar and then posts the knee pretty good. That gets two. Back to the leg bar, but Taker kicks out of it. Taker wins a slugfest, but Swagger kicks the knee. Swagger telegraphs a backdrop and pays with a DDT. Snake eyes leads to the big boot which sets up the legdrop for 1-2-NO! Swagger escapes the Chokeslam, but comes off the ropes into a big boot. Swagger delivers a Hurricane DDT for 1-2-NO! Pump Splash is coming, but Taker catches him coming down for the GOOZLE! Chokeslam! TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! Cover, 1-2-3. (12:55 shown) Swagger put up a good showing, but you never felt like Taker was in any real jeopardy. **½
MacGruber featuring WWE Superstars Chris Jericho, Mark Henry, MVP, Kane, Big Show, and the Great Khali! In theatres everywhere May 21. This marks the first SNL recurring skit to warrant a move in TEN YEARS! The last SNL sketch movie was the Ladies Man in 2000, which was quite funny but did TERRIBLY at the box office.
In the back, Chris Jericho tells the Straight Edge Society to heed his advice and they will win tonight. While everyone cares about Jericho’s advice, MacGruber asks fellow co-star Chris Jericho what he should do in the ring against Kozlov. Jericho tells him to shake his hand and once you have him in a false sense of security, then you can whatever you want to Kozlov.
- Vladimir Kozlov vs. MacGruber (w/Vicky St. Elmo)
MacGruber follows Jericho’s advice and extends the handshake. Kozlov never accepts, but then MacGruber slaps Kozlov across the face anyway. BAD IDEA JEANS! Kozlov grabs MacGruber for the Al Snow trapping headbutts. As Kozlov goes to spike MacGruber with a one-handed spinebuster, fellow MacGruber co-star and guest host Ryan Philippe changes the match to a handicap match and brings out Khaluber. Yes, it’s Great Khali dressed in his best MacGruber outfit – complete with wig! Anyways, the real MacGruber rolls out and lets Khali take over. Kozlov takes the BRAIN CHOP and Khali chases him to the back as the cast of MacGruber celebrate their countout victory. (3:17) This movie better be good. CRAP
Cena-Batista video feud highlights are shown. Anybody hear about Triple H taking Batista’s spot in a lead role for a WWE movie? HA!
- Chris Jericho, CM Punk & Luke Gallows (w/Serena) vs. Edge, Rey Mysterio & Triple H
During HHH’s entrance, Sheamus INTERRUPTS via satellite and beats up a sound crew guy to prove a point. During Edge’s entrance, they show Chris Jericho stomping Edge’s foot in between the steps and the ringpost to explain the limp. How is this man STILL wrestling because all they do now is tear up his formerly torn up ankle. Mysterio sets up Jericho for the 6-1-9 right off the bat, but Jericho bails. Punk charges at Rey and gets dumped out, which brings Gallows over to help regroup with his partners. With all the bad guys on the floor, HHH and Edge backdrop Rey on top of them. Commercials! AND WE’RE BACK! Rey fights out of a chinlock, but Punk counters the wheelbarrow by dropping Rey on the top turnbuckle. Rey Mysterio is *your* face in peril. Jericho abuses Rey and catapults him into the corner. Mysterio comes back with a springboard moonsault press for two and makes the HOT TAG TO EDGE! Edge-O-Matic to Gallows, but Jericho pulls Edge out when he tries the SPEAR. Triple H knocks Jericho away to save his partner. Back in, Edge get stuck in the wrong corner and everybody has fun tearing at Edge’s ankle. Edge fights back with a flying clothesline off the second rope on Gallows and makes the HOT TAG TO TRIPLE H! High Knee, Facebuster, and the AA Spinebuster all connect on Punk. He wants the PEDIGREE, but Gallows saves with a clothesline. Rey takes out Gallows with the springboard seated senton. Jericho tosses out Rey, but he rolls through the momentum and lands on his feet. Nice! Edge clotheslines Jericho out and trips up Punk into the ropes as Rey hits the 6-1-9 and staggers Punk around into the PEDIGREE for the 1-2-3. (8:10 shown) When was the last time CM Punk DIDN’T job? Punk is winning this Sunday. I’m convinced. Harmless and fun tag match, no doubt. Funny how it takes Smackdown to come over to Raw to get something entertaining. **¾
This Sunday LIVE from Baltimore MD is Extreme Rules only on PPV! Here is the card as it stands at the end of this program:
- WWE Champion John Cena vs. Batista – Last Man Standing Match
- World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton – Extreme Rules Match
- Triple H vs. Sheamus – Street Fight
- Edge vs. Chris Jericho – Cage Match
- Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk – If Punk Loses, He Gets His Head Shaved
And then next Monday night will be a THREE-HOUR LIVE EDITION of Raw as the 2010 WWE Draft will be taking place! So far, no guest host has been mentioned and hopefully everyone from the Raw brand will be able to travel safely back in time for these two big events.
Posted on June 5, 2011, in WWE and tagged Big Show, Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Darren Young, Drew McIntyre, Edge, Great Khali, Jack Swagger, John Cena, Kane, Luke Gallows, Mark Henry, Matt Hardy, MVP, Randy Orton, Raw, Rey Mysterio, Serena, Straight Edge Society, Triple H, Undertaker, Vladimir Kozlov. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.