WWF: Raw is War
January 25, 1999
Phoenix, AZ
America West Arena

The current WWF champs are as follows:
WWF Champion: The Rock (1/24/1999)
Intercontinental Champion: Ken Shamrock (10/12/1998)
World Tag Team Champions: The Big Boss Man & Ken Shamrock (12/14/1998)
European Champion: X-Pac (10/18/1998)
Light Heavyweight Champion: Duane Gill (11/23/1998)
Hardcore Champion: Road Dogg (12/21/1998)
Women’s Champion: Sable (11/15/1998)

We get some EXCITING STILL SHOTS of the finish to last night’s Royal Rumble match to start the show. Your winner is none other than Mr. McMahon himself. I know, I can’t believe it either, except I can because I just finished recapping it.

TIME TO GET RAW! Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

SHANE McMAHON introduces his pops MR. McMAHON out to the ring. That’s right – get used to “No Chance in Hell” playing – because you’ll be hearing it a lot for the next twenty something years. The CORPORATION is there to welcome the 1999 Royal Rumble winner. Vince says he’s going to WrestleMania. He came, he saw, he kicked Stone Cold Steve Austin’s ass. Talk turns to THE ROCK. He made Mankind say – nay, scream “I QUIT!” last night and became the new WWF champion. Vince decides to give Rocky the $100 grand in cash for coming down to ringside to *watch* Vince single-handedly throw Austin over the top rope. Apparently after the Rock went to sleep last night with his WWF championship, Vince heard that he sat up in a cold sweat – realizing he’s going to have to defend the WWF title against Mr. McMahon at WrestleMania. To ease Rock’s tensions about this upcoming defense, Vince this morning signed away his right to be the #1 contender to the WWF title. However, he reserves the right to name Rock’s opponent for WrestleMania. Vince then says once again that Austin had no chance in hell of winning the Royal Rumble – and Austin will never step in the ring with the WWF champion again, because he’s simply run out of chances. Next thing we know, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN appears on the TitanTron – live via satellite in San Antonio, Texas. Hmm, who do we know that lives in San Antonio? Austin flat out says he’s going to WrestleMania to face the WWF champion. Vince mocks Austin saying he must be chewing some loco weed down in Texas because that ain’t happening. Austin repeats what he said – he’s going to WrestleMania to meet the WWF champion, and the guy right beside him said the exact same thing. That man is COMMISSIONER SHAWN MICHAELS. Boy, there’s not a single scratch on his face. Looks like they’re pals now. Shawn says he’s protecting Steve Austin from himself by having him in San Antonio instead of being in Phoenix – because Austin would open up a can of whoop ass the likes of each Vince has never seen. As long as the Heartbreak Kid is the WWF Commissioner, Vince won’t be allowed to name the Rock’s opponent for WrestleMania because according to the WWF rule book (Shawn grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels for laughs – whoops), if the winner of the Royal Rumble is unable or UNWILLING to appear at WrestleMania, the runner-up becomes the new #1 contender to the WWF title. Austin grins from ear-to-ear over the news. Vince is speechless. The crowd starts chanting for “Austin”. Stone Cold wants the WWF title real bad, but he wants a piece of Vince McMahon’s ass even more. He’s willing to put his title shot at WrestleMania on the line in a match against Mr. McMahon at the Valentine’s Day PPV. And because Vince is such a coward who runs away from a fight, Austin sweetens the pot with a cage match idea – if Vince has the BALLS. Once you start questioning a McMahon’s McMahonhood (patent pending), Vince AGREES to the match. Now Austin calls McMahon a “dumb sonuvabitch” and guarantees he will beat Vince’s ass all over the cage. He will walk all over Vince’s limp bloody carcass and head straight to WrestleMania to face the Rock. If Austin can’t beat Vince, he should have never started wrestling in the first place. AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE – ‘CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!

Let’s assume this was a shoot. Wouldn’t Vince – the owner and chairman of the board – be able to *change* the WWF “rule book”? I understand that somehow we’re supposed to believe Shawn Michaels has more decision-making power than Vince McMahon, but where does it end? THIS IS THE ATTITUDE ERA! YOU THROW OUT THE RULE BOOK!

Backstage, we see an armored car arrive at the arena. Must be carrying a $100 grand. Does he really need a truck that large? Is Vince delivering the money to the Rock in one dollar bills? I guess we’ll find out.

Forgive the sound quality, but I think the point is made:

• Billy Gunn (w/Triple H & Chyna) vs. Goldust

While Cole and Lawler mention Gunn having an injured ankle, you certainly couldn’t tell by Gunn’s lack of selling. Triple H gets on the mic to handle business and says he doesn’t believe the Rock actually made Mankind say he quits, so he challenges the Rock to an “I Quit” match for later tonight and wants the WWF title to be on the line. Triple H even channels Ric Flair here – telling the Rock to “BE A MAN”. He also reminds us that the last time they fought over a championship, Triple H left MSG five pounds heavier with Rock’s gold around his waist. If you ain’t down with that, SUCK IT.

Goldust BUM RUSHES THE SHOW on Billy Gunn to start the match. He runs wild on Gunn and sets him up for Shattered Dreams, but ref Mike Chioda gets in his way. Billy slugs Goldust away and moons Goldust. OH yeah, Goldust still has Head with him. Goldust misses a charge and goes flying out to the floor. Meanwhile, Goldust’s music starts playing and we get the debut of BLUEDUST (or Blue Meanie dressed like Goldust, but Blue). Goldust puts down Gunn with a spinebuster and goes for Bluedust, but Bluedust whacks Goldust with Head into a PILEDRIVER from Gunn for the three-count. (2:01) Cole overexplains who Blue Meanie is, which is hilarious. Bluedust walks off with Head, making Goldust mannerisms along the way. I guess we’ll NEVER know why Goldust stole Head in the first place. Oh, and Gunn’s ankle still doesn’t look hurt. ½*

Elsewhere, MANKIND arrives at the arena with his head heavily bandaged.

When we come back, we get EXCITING STILL SHOTS of the “I Quit” match between the Rock and Mankind from last night.

THE ODDITIES are in the ring when who should appear but The Rock. He tells the Oddities to pay their respects to the new WWF champ and get out of his ring. Wow, and they just leave without putting up any kind of a fight. The crowd can chant that he sucks all they want, but FINALLY, the Great One is the champ again. Rock says he’ll go one-on-one with Triple H’s roody poo candy ass. He reminds us that it was Chyna that helped Triple H win the IC gold the last time they met, and it won’t happen again. Rock will kick Triple H’s candy ass from pillar to post in front of the thousands of Rock’s fans here tonight -and in front of the MILLIONS and MILLIONS of Rock’s fans – if ya smell what the Rock is cooking.

Backstage, Mankind asks the security guards standing at the armored car if they’ve seen his sock – and then jumps both of them and knocks them out. He grabs a bag of cash and heads for the stage. Mankind wants the people to applaud the Rock because he’s got the WWF title belt – and then he wants the people to applaud him because he’s got Rock’s money. He starts throwing the money out to the crowd like he’s Andre the Giant in 1985. If Rock comes after him, Mankind dares to throw the whole $100 grand into the crowd. Just to verify, Vince was going to pay the Rock $100 grand in ten dollar bills. Mankind says he doesn’t remember saying “I quit” last night, so he went to the production team and put together a little set of clips to explain it to us. They replay the clip of Mankind squealing “I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT!” while talking to Shane McMahon on SuNDAY NiGHT HeAT an hour before the Royal Rumble. After showing a series of clips of Mankind *not* saying he quits, Mankind was knocked unconscious after all the chairshots and couldn’t say that he quits. We then cut to a clip of the Rock asking Mankind to say “I quit” – this time followed by Mankind’s voice over the PA that matches what Mankind said on HeAT. Mankind tosses another fistful of tens into the crowd and then decides that the perfect remedy for this situation is a special challenge match during halftime of “the big game”. In fact, he’d like an “empty arena” match for Halftime HeAT. Rock accepts the match because he wants the $100 grand. Have a nice day!

The Oddities are in the ring again. MIDEON comes out with a jar of something promising that Evil will come again tonight.

• Droz vs. George “The Animal” Steele

Droz tells George to send the rest of the Oddities back to the locker room so he can kick his hairy ass. Interesting thought: Steele could have the distinction of being the oldest guy to ever wrestle a match on RAW (61) and Nitro (62). Droz has dropped the LOD gimmick he was still doing last night at the Rumble and he’s back to wearing plaid shorts. Steele gets in some offense on Droz and rips apart a turnbuckle pad, but then Droz bounces his face off the exposed buckle and pins him for the win in 0:48. Droz continues to beat on George as he’s tossing away referees, too. He’s a frustrated man. The Oddities finally come down and run off Droz. N/R

During the break, Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson give the BIG BOSS MAN and KEN SHAMROCK saltpeter (or potassium nitrate for you chemists out there) hoping to curb their carnal urges – because Boss Man and Shamrock have to face Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett tonight. And you know where there’s Jarrett, there’s Debra.

We switch over to Kevin Kelly talking with DEBRA backstage. It looks like this might be the highlight of Kelly’s life right here. LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS. Debra feels that no man can resist her. We’ll find out tonight – if the saltpeter works. MARK HENRY comes into the frame and says that no *woman* can resist *him. Oh boy.

• WWF World Tag Team Championship: The Big Boss Man & Ken Shamrock (c) vs. Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett (w/Debra)

Lawler explains what saltpeter is to Cole – AND THE WORLD. They replay tag team victories Owen and Jarrett have gotten lately thanks to the feminine wiles of Debra – including a win on HeAT over Boss Man and Shamrock. She puts some moves on Boss Man, but he wants nothing to do with Debra and dares Jarrett in the ring. Shamrock helps Boss Man avoid a Boss Man Straddle. As Jarrett takes a uppercut onto the middle rope, Boss Man does the sliding underneath uppercut. VINTAGE BOSS MAN! Jarrett avoids a corner charge and tags in Owen. Boss Man kicks away the Sharpshooter and tags Shamrock. Debra starts flirting with Shamrock from the floor. Lawler says Shamrock is usually a major horndog. ENZIGURI OF CERTAIN DEMISE puts Shamrock down for two. While Shamrock takes over, Jarrett goes over to tell Debra something. Owen catches Shamrock with the Spinning Heel Kick and climbs up top, but Shamrock avoids a missile dropkick. That’s Debra’s cue to get up on the apron and unbutton her blouse – showing her bazoombas in a black bra. To really pull out all the stops, Jarrett even goes over to help her take off her whole blouse, which is quite a change of character since six weeks ago he was completely against Debra using her body to distract wrestlers. Anyways, Shamrock refuses her advances and slaps the ANKLELOCK on Owen, but Jarrett kicks Shamrock to break the hold. As Jarrett and Boss Man brawl on the floor, the BLUE BLAZER (hey, that’s a black guy!) shows up and KABONGS Shamrock. See ya later, Blue Blazer. Owen rolls over and covers Shamrock for the win. (4:39) Kinda funny that the (Black and) Blue Blazer turns out to be KOKO B. WARE – the original bird man of the WWF. Owen is now a FOUR-time WWF tag team champion – with three different partners: Yokozuna (two-time champ), Davey Boy Smith, and now Jeff Jarrett. *½

Kevin Kelly interviews the new tag champs at the top of the ramp. Owen quickly celebrates his vindication that he’s in fact *not* the Blue Blazer, which is hilarious. Jarrett says they did exactly what they said they would do, and that’s become WWF tag team champions. Shamrock loses his mind outside the ring and we’re out.

ENTER THE WAR ZONE! Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Shane McMahon, Gerald Brisco, and Pat Patterson head to the ring to kickstart the second hour. Shane claims Kane has been screwing up lately and that Kane came up to the Corporate Suite last night after the Royal Rumble and apologized for his behavior. To show how compassionate the McMahons are, Shane asks Kane to join him in the ring. Here comes Kane. Shane wants Kane to repeat his heartfelt apology in front of the public. He uses the modulator up against his throat and simply apologizes – twice. Shane doesn’t feel like that’s enough and orders for Kane to get on his knee and apologize, which he does. Now both knees. Before that can happen, X-PAC interrupts and says he’s had about enough of this crap. He yells at Shane to shut the hell up and tries to encourage Kane to stand up to these buffoons. X-Pac even offers Kane a spot in D-Generation X. When X-Pac threatens Shane, Kane spins him around and delivers a CHOKESLAM. Ahh man. Shane orders Kane to drag X-Pac to the corner so Shane can give him the Bronco Buster for revenge. Now light those corners on fire and let’s get out of here.

We check in and see Paul Bearer talking to the Ministry of Darkness. Cool.

Earlier today, TERRI RUNNELS (with the support of JACQUELINE as well) made D’LO BROWN walk into a local Walgreen’s and buy Kotex, because D’Lo promised he’d help her out for killing her unborn child. Naturally, there’s a PRICE CHECK ON KOTEX and everybody working at Walgreen’s recognizes D’Lo.

• Val Venis vs. Test

Before the match, Val is out to give us a sneak preview of his latest video: “Saving Ryan’s Privates”. Wait, but the screen shows “Sister Act”, so somebody goofed. Turns out the porno flick stars Ken Shamrock’s Sister. Well, that’s not a name. Val calls out to Ken Shamrock before stepping into the shower with Ken’s sister Ryan. YIKES.

Onto the match, Venis runs wild to start and delivers the Kobashi knees and Russian legsweep. There’s the Rick Rude bump ‘n grind. Val escapes a sleeperhold and hits Test with a spinebuster. Test manages to throw Venis over the top rope and while the ref pushes Test back, Ken Shamrock runs down and whacks Venis in the back with a chair. Back inside, Test lands the PUMPHANDLE POWERSLAM for the win (1:26) As Shamrock and Test put the beatdown on Val, BILLY GUNN runs down with incredible speed and makes the save. Venis spins Gunn around and asks why Gunn waffled him with the chair. Gunn tries to explain but Venis attacks the ankle from behind. Refs run down to get Venis off Gunn as the segment ends. ½*

• Hardcore Match: Road Dogg & Al Snow vs. Gangrel & Edge

Road Dogg and Al Snow are bloodbath brothers courtesy of the Brood, so now they’re teaming up. Road Dogg and Snow position themselves under the stage with fire extinguishers. They ambush the Brood as they come up through the stage, which is pretty great. They fight on the stage and now they go down to the floor. Road Dogg and Edge pair up as Snow leaps off the steps onto Gangrel. Everybody heads backstage to fight with cookie sheets. LOUD NOISES. Gangrel and Edge sandwich Snow and Road Dogg up against a wall by pushing a dumpster into them. Now we’re moving into another area. Snow is doing his best Shinobi with a steel pole. Road Dogg and Snow get placed on a gurney, which goes nowhere. Over at catering, Snow throws a tray full of silverware onto Gangrel while Road Dogg blasts Edge with a chairshot. Gangrel wears out Snow and Road Dogg with a chair, and then clears the catering table for Road Dogg so he leap off a counter and break the table. Only the legs give way. Meanwhile, Snow and Edge duel with chairs. A table gets leaned up against the women’s bathroom entrance where Edge and Snow collide. Snow takes an ouchy bump into the table. Some women who look like busted Daytona strippers come running out screaming and jiggling out of the women’s bathroom. Lawler assumes they are some of the Godfather’s hos, which is fair, but not entirely accurate because Godfather isn’t on the show tonight. Everybody comes stumbling out of the women’s room – and Snow’s hair is wet and he’s got a toilet seat hanging around his neck. Cole calls the toilet seat: “part of the commode”. Not wrong, but dude – it’s a TOILET SEAT. All four guys brawl over to some anvil cases and climb up them. BLUEDUST appears from the other side of the staging and reaches down to return HEAD to Al Snow. As Snow nails Gangrel with Head, all four guys fall through a table. Road Dogg’s arm covers Gangrel and we’ve got winners of the first-ever WWF hardcore team match. (5:46) Man, this hardcore stuff is already starting to lose it’s specialness. Not to mention there’s been the Rock hitting people with chairs a dozen times in last night’s main event. This was still fun, but a little more contrived than usual. **¼

We catch the UNDERTAKER and Paul Bearer talking to the rest of the guys in the Ministry of Darkness.

When we return, Kevin Kelly talks to Al Snow and Road Dogg, who take turns telling each other they’re hardcore. Snow asks for another shot at the WWF hardcore title, and Road Dogg agrees to a rematch. Next thing you know, the Ministry of Darkness demolishes both guys, using the RAW is WAR oil barrels and the cyclone fencing. A different camera pans over to see the Undertaker sitting on his UT throne. Look forward to a “holy war of epic proportion”. Alright then.

• “I Quit” Match for the WWF Championship: The Rock (c) vs. Triple H (w/Chyna)

Rock is out again in his track suit we saw last night. NO MORE COMMERCIAL BREAKS! Triple H runs wild to start – hitting Rock with a back elbow and the vintage High Knee. We get a ten-count corner punch – complete with D-X crotch chops. Triple H tosses out Rock for a baseball slide into the barricade. Rock decides he’s walking out on this match, but here comes Triple H as they trade punches on the stage. Rock throws Triple H into the scaffolding while the crowd chants how Rocky sucks. Triple H clotheslines Rock down and asks Rock if he quits. When he won’t quit, Triple H bounces his head on the stage. Back to ringside, Rock finds a way and pulls Triple H into the timekeeper’s table. Rock steals Cole’s headset and grabs the house mic. He starts slapping Triple H around and calls him “half gay” so he should quit. Yikes. I’m glad, but I can’t believe Peacock left that one in there. Anyways, Triple H gets PISSED on the gay comment and shoves Rock across Cole and Lawler – sending them scrambling. Lawler’s headset goes out for a few moments. They fight over to the barricade where Triple H chokes Rock with a cable. Rock won’t quit, so Triple H throws him into the steps. As Rock gets rolled into the ring, Triple H grabs the ring bell and hammer. He reaches back and tries to hit Rock with the ring bell, but Rock punches back and DDTs Triple H. Now he places the ring bell on Triple H’s face for the CORPORATE ELBOW using the ring bell hammer. AWESOME. Give up, Triple H. He clutches his face and tells Rock to “suck it”. Oh man. Here comes the Triple H Facebuster and the PEDIGREE. Triple H says he’s not done. He takes Rock to the floor and PEDIGREES him again. He’s still not done and threatens a Pedigree through the announce table. That’s when we see the CORPORATION come down and get in the ring. Kane grabs Chyna and the Big Boss Man orders Kane to break her neck if Triple H doesn’t say he quits. Well, Triple H says “I quit” and that’s that. (9:09) Good TV match as Triple H takes advantage of Rock’s weakened state while also trying to get some revenge for Mankind. I enjoyed this much more than the Rumble match because not only was it excellent storytelling, it wasn’t so incredibly over the top. It even considered the previous match which was fought under “hardcore rules” and I don’t think it stepped on that match either, which is something you wouldn’t consider when you see this as a standalone match on a DVD set, as an example. ***

The Corporation immediately clear out as they got what they came to accomplish it seems. Triple H checks on Chyna while Kane remains on the ring apron. When they have their little standoff, Chyna comes up behind Triple H and gives him a HUGE low blow – turning on not just Triple H, but D-Generation X. The Corporation then do a number on Triple H while Chyna stands over in the corner and watches. Hey look, here comes the McMahons, Brisco, and Patterson as well. Shane and Vince embrace Chyna. She’s now part of the Corporation, so it seems. MICHAEL COLE JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT.

HALFTIME HEAT is NEXT! Until then, so long for now.

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