Bigelow’s Raw Report 7/13/09
Monday Night Raw 7/13/09
Announcers: Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
– We open up this week’s show inside the Amway Arena where we are immediately joined by the Game. Michael Cole welcomes us to Orlando as Triple H makes his way to the ring to a huge pop. Hunter seems to be digging the ovation and is quite fired up to start things off here. He wants to catch us up to speed. A month ago, Donald Trump bought Raw but Vince bought it back seven days later for double the price. In the meantime, the celebrity guest host concept happened. It is his job tonight to introduce our guest host…TV star Seth Green! Seth makes his way out to “Welcome to the Jungle’ as he runs down to the ring. Seth looks to be about a third of Hunter’s size. Seth is fired up and is thrilled to be hosting Raw. He wants to do some exciting stuff here tonight, so the first thing he is going to do is make a six person swimsuit Diva summer spectacular. The match will be in the spirit of athleticism. Hunter says this sort of outside the box thinking that makes him a big fan of Robot Chicken. Hunter puts over the show a bit, including the upcoming episode featuring him and we get a clip of that episode. Back live, Seth takes a dig at Randy Orton and calls him a whiny little girl. Hunter says Orton and Dakota Fanning have something in common: no male gentiles. And that draws out the WWE Champion. Orton says he has something that Triple H doesn’t have: the WWE Championship. He informs Seth that he is known for having an anger problem on occasion. He may drop an RKO on someone or punt them in the head, no matter how big or pathetically small they may be. Hunter suggests that Seth make a match between Hunter and Orton here tonight. Orton says there is no sense in having Triple H lose to him again tonight and then at the PPV. Hunter is fine just dropping him here and now then. Randy has nothing left to say until NOC and he has nothing to say to Seth either. He asks Seth if he has ever been in a real fight. He only came on the show in case someone could mistake him for actually being a real man. Seth stops Randy from leaving and says he may be interested in hearing about tonight’s main event. Seth says Legacy will take on Triple H, John Cena….and Seth Green. Orton stares at him and then stalks off. Hunter and Seth chat it up in the ring as we head off to break.
– We are back and checking out downtown Orlando as Cole recaps our opening segment. We then head back to the ring for our opening match.
1) Kelly, Gail Kim & Mickie James vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendes in a swimsuit summer spectacular match
Kelly, Gail and Mickie head out looking hot as usual. Maryse leads out her team and…yeah…sorry lost the train of thought there. Gail and Alicia start things off and trade some pin covers. Alicia eats a back elbow on a charge but she comes back with a right hand. Alicia tags in Rosa but Gail fights her off. Kelly tags in and hits her handspring elbow. She chokes Rosa out with her foot but Rosa shoves her back on a monkey flip attempt. Rosa stomps away before tagging Alicia back in. Alicia locks in a rear chinlock but Kelly fights free. Kelly kicks Alicia off and takes her down with a clothesline. She crawls over and tags in Mickie as Alicia tags in Maryse. Mickie takes down Maryse with some clotheslines and then shoves Alicia off the apron. Mickie takes her over with a headscissors and then heads up top. She comes down with a Thesz press for two. A big brawl breaks out until Mickie and Maryse are left in the ring. Maryse slugs Mickie down from behind and then whips her into the post shoulder first. Maryse snaps her down with a stiff DDT for the win. Maryse, Rosa & Alicia d. Mickie, Gain & Kelly when Maryse pins Mickie with a DDT; Grade: 1
– Maryse, Alicia and Rosa celebrate as we check out a reply. Backstage, Seth is hanging up some posters in his office. Chris Jericho comes in and tears Seth up for mocking things he loves, like Star Wars and WWE. Seth denies that and says he is thrilled to be here. Jericho says Seth should have come in and catered and pandered to him because he is a star. Seth is only here to give the people what they want. Chris says he tells the people what they like. Seth puts over his free Robot Chicken skate tour. Chris rips him for making it free and enabling the unemployed and calls him a sycophant and a drone. Seth says Jericho only brings negativity and that maybe he should leave the building. Chris won’t do it because he has an agenda. He tells Seth to stay out of his business as he takes off and we go to break.
– The Just for Men Slam of the Week takes us back to last Monday when the Colons lost to Jericho & Edge, leading to Carlito assaulting his brother. We then head back to the ring for our next match.
2) Primo vs. Miz
Primo has some new music and is already in the ring. He grabs the mic and says he wants Carlito out here right now. Well, instead we are joined by the Miz. Miz asks where Carlito is. He says he must have something more important to do like get a cup of coffee. So, Carlito is out and the Miz in. Since Maryse is probably watching, he will leave Primo out cold in the ring like the rejected brother he is. Miz shove Primo to the corner off the bell but Primo fires back at him. He sends Miz over with a backdrop but eats a boot on a charge. Miz hot shots him on the top buckle and then takes him over with a back suplex for two. Miz goes to work on the back and then hooks in a neck vise. The crowd starts to rally Primo as he fights free. He catches Miz with a side Russian leg sweep. He follows with a back elbow and a dropkick. Primo gets a cross body off the middle rope for a near fall. Now Carlito’s music plays and he heads out. Carlito distracts Primo and Miz is able to drill him from behind. He nails him with a front Russian legsweep and picks up the win. Miz d. Primo with a front Russian legsweep; Grade: 1.5
– Miz heads off and glares over at Carlito. Carlito hops in the ring and stomps on his brother before spitting an apple on him. Over at ringside, Cole fills us in on Edge’s torn Achilles tendon, suffered at a live event. King wonders what will happen to the Undisputed tag team titles now that Edge is out. Cole talks about our main event as we go to break.
– The Pizza Hut Rewind takes us to last week’s Superstars when Chavo Guerrero battled and lost to Hornswoggle. Backstage, Horny is with Seth Green. Seth has some exciting news, he is given Horny a rematch with Chavo and Chavo will have his arm tied behind his back. Horny quickly leaves as Seth turns and sees Big Show standing behind him. Seth needs some advice about his upcoming match. Show tells him to watch his match with Evan Bourne so he can see how someone close to his size fares in a WWE ring. Show says he can give advice, but it will cost him…one million dollars! And Show does the Dr. Evil laugh. Seth mock laughs back as Show takes off. We head back to the arena, where MVP is making his way out for our next match.
3) MVP vs. Jack Swagger
MVP hits the ring and is followed by Jack Swagger. These two had a verbal battle last week on the VIP Lounge. The bell sounds and we are under way. They stare down as the crowd chants for MVP. Swagger quickly goes behind and takes MVP down. Swagger gets in MVP’s face but MVP smacks him. Swagger bails to the floor as we take a break. When we return, Swagger catches a back elbow when charging MVP. MVP nails Swagger with a huge clothesline and Jack bails to the floor. MVP follows him out and slugs him down. He runs him into the barricade and tosses him back inside. MVP heads in and goes for the Playmaker, but Swagger switches out of it and runs MVP into the post shoulder first. He works MVP’s arm on the pole and gets a near fall. Swagger slams MVP and follows with a hammerlock slam to work the arm. Swagger taunts MVP and tells him to give up. He follows with a Vader bomb for two. MVP fires back and shoots Swagger into the corner. He follows with a clothesline and some thrusts to the chest. MVP drills a knee to the face and drops the Ballin elbow for two. MVP backdrops Swagger to the apron, but Jack is able to snap his arm across the top rope. Swagger drops him with the gutwrench powerbomb and picks up the win. Not a bad match, but they are capable of much more once they build some chemistry. Swagger d. MVP with the gutwrench powerbomb; Grade: 2
– Swagger celebrates and we see Jericho walking backstage as we go to break.
– We are back and Cole and King are again talking about Edge’s injury and subsequent surgery. King preps us for some graphic stills and they we see the photos of the surgery. King says this can be a career ending injury or at least have a long recovery time. We are now joined by Chris Jericho, who stoically walks to the ring with a Trapper Keeper in hand. Chris grabs the mic and away we go. For the first time in WWE history, the Unified tag team championship is held by one man…and that one man is the best in the world today. He finds it ironic that Edge was considered a great warrior for his time, but like Achilles, both were taken down by the same injury. He should have known better than to select a partner as frail and injury prone as Edge. He has had a broker neck, a torn pectoral and now a ruptured Achilles tendon. He was the weak link of the team and he should not be punished for his imperfections as a man. So, he can’t defend the titles at the PPV by himself. The simpletons in the crowd believe he should be stripped of title. Well, it won’t happen and neither will a tournament. He is an intelligent man and when he agreed to the NOC match, he had a clause put in the contract that if Edge was injured, he would legally be allowed to choose a new partner and remain champion. Before NOC, he will choose a partner that is devious and cunning and the opposite of Edge. He will also be a truthful, honest and just man. Mark Henry now joins us as Cole wonders if this is Jericho’s partner. Chris’s look of confusion would say that Henry is not his partner. Jericho starts to smirk as Henry climbs into the ring. Jericho says Henry is impressive and is the type of partner he had in mind. Henry puts his arm around Chris and says they could do unbelievable things. He asks the fans but they don’t like the idea. But, Henry didn’t come out here to be Chris’s partner. He came out here to be his opponent. Henry shoves him down and tears his jacket and shirt off. Henry stomps on him and then rams him into the corner with a headbutt. Jericho stumbles to the floor as Henry tosses his clothes to the crowd. Jericho fixes his tie in a funny spot. Henry wants some more but Chris backs off. A referee is in the ring now as Chris heads back over and climbs on the apron. He changes his mind and backs off, circling around ringside. Chris teases getting in again but backs off again. Jericho fakes it a third time, but again bails and scrambles around the ring.
4) Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry
He finally slides in and Henry tears him apart again. He headbutts him and he tosses him across the ring. King tells us that Seth Green made this match official. Henry stands on Jericho’s chest and then stomps on his back. Henry scoops him up, but Jericho slides down his back and clubs away at him. Jericho charges but Henry kills him with a clothesline. Jericho bails to the floor and takes off, getting himself counted out. Match was nothing, but Henry continues to look strong and Green gets his revenge. Henry d. Jericho by countout; Grade: .5
– Henry plays to the crowd and Cole and King put him over. Cole reminds us of our main event as we take a break.
– We are back and checking out Walt Disney World before heading to the ring.
5) Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
We again go back to Superstars when Chavo cheated in his match but still lost. Horny is out for the rematch here and Chavo will have to have his hand tied. Chavo makes his way out and looks a little bit apprehensive before he changes his tune and starts jawing at Horny. Charles Robinson ties up Chavo’s arm and we are set to go. Horny circles around and kicks Chavo in the ass. Chavo drops to his knees and catches Horny by the throat. Horny bites his hand to force the break. He ducks some shots and starts windmilling Chavo. Chavo chases Horny around until Horny is able to lay some kicks in and get a two count. Horny gives Chavo a stinkface and then goes for a Bronco Buster but Chavo drills him with a foot to the mush. Chavo steps on Horny’s head and dances a bit. He kicks away at Horny and goes for a suplex, but Horny blocks in and rolls him up for the win. Chavo couldn’t kick out because of his arm. Hornswoggle d. Guerrero with a small package; Grade: .5
– Horny celebrates at ringside as Chavo stews. Backstage, Orton and DiBiase are chatting. Randy likes that Ted slapped his father in the face last week. Ted says his Dad wants him to be a copy of him and that will never happen because he will be better. Cody comes in and says he heard a rumor that his Dad may be guest host next week. Cody says he has a good relationship with his Dad unlike other people. Ted doesn’t like that jab but Orton breaks them up. He tells Ted and Cody to take care of Cena and Hunter so he can personally take out Seth. And we head to break.
– And we are back as Kofi Kingston heads out to do some commentary for our next bout.
6) Evan Bourne vs. Big Show
We take a look back at last week’s show when Big Show came out and beat down Kofi and Bourne. Kofi says he is still in pain from that beating. Evan is out first to a warm reaction from the fans. We check out Seth getting ready backstage and the Big Show makes his way out. Kofi puts over the legacy of the US title as the match starts. Show tosses Bourne into the corner but Bourne comes back with some kicks. Show picks Bourne up and tosses him across the ring. Show hammers away at him and then locks him in a nice double underhook submission. He hoists him up and tosses him up and over. Show stands on his stomach and then tosses Bourne into the corner. He chops Bourne before bealing him across the ring. Bourne tries to kick his way back into it again but Show beats him down. Show pulls Bourne up and dumps him to the floor. Show palms Bourne and pulls him to the apron, but Bourne snaps his neck on the top rope. Bourne heads up top and hits a missile dropkick. Shows staggers but crushes Bourne with a nasty spear as Evan lands on his neck. Show locks in the Colossal Clutch for the win. This was super fun to watch with Bourne’s manic bumping. Show d. Bourne with the Colossal Clutch; Grade: 1.5
– Show doesn’t break the hold so Kofi comes in and kicks Show in the back of the neck. Show breaks the hold and Kofi lands a big leaping kick to send him to the floor. Show and Kofi will tussle on Superstars this Thursday. Kofi tends to Bourne as Show takes stares them down from the ramp. At ringside, Cole and King talk about Seth Green’s chances in the main event. They then plug the release of Robot Chicken Star Ware Episode Two DVD and we check out a clip. Cole and King plug it again as we head to break.
– We are back live and Cole and King run down the NOC card for us. Backstage, Santino is playing with some figures and doing an awesome Iron Sheik impression. He has the Santino figure wipe out Sheik and then make out with Trish Stratus. Seth Green is watching and Santino asks if he can have a job on his show Electric Poultry. Seth stalls until Cena and Triple H come in. Hunter tells Santino to take his doll and Santino corrects him and says it is an action figure. Seth is a bit nervous and says he is in over his head. Cena tells him not to go AWOL out there or else he will pound his face to mush. Just as Seth starts to freak out, Cena says he is kidding. Triple H talks about Seth’s height and physique a bit and Seth tells us he is 5’4”. Cena tells Seth to follow him, but Triple H takes offense and calls Cena Dudley Do-Right. Cena says they don’t need to argue because Seth will probably get killed anyway. Back ringside, Cole and King now confirm that ZZ Top will be the guest hosts of Raw and not Dusty Rhodes as was teased. They talk that up as we go to break.
– We return from commercial and Cole is pimping the 12 Rounds DVD and how it topped the charts last week. And with that, we head to the ring for our main event.
7) Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase vs. Seth Green, Triple H & John Cena
Legacy heads to the ring as DiBiase and Rhodes flank Orton. They hit the ring and turn their attention to the entranceway as they await their opponents. Welcome to the Jungle fires up as Seth Green heads out first. He wisely hangs in the aisle as Triple H makes his way out. Cena is out last to a huge pop and we take our last break of the night. When we return, Hunter is in control of Cody. He takes him over with a delayed vertical suplex and this crowd is off the hook, as they have been all night. He drops a knee on Cody’s head for two. Hunter slugs away at Cody and teases tagging Seth before tagging in Cena. Cena takes Cody down with a facecrusher for two. He grabs a wristlock and tags in Seth. Cena holds Cody and Seth looks to the crowd before walking over and punching Cody in the face with a nice right hand. He dances a bit and then bails to the floor as Cody chases him around the ring. Triple H drops down and drills Cody as he comes around the corner. Hunter throws him back in and Seth covers for a one count. Seth tags in Cena, who sends Cody over with a back drop. Ted distracts the ref, which allows Orton to hit Cena with the inverted backbreaker. Legacy works Cena over on the floor as Orton distracts the ref. Orton pulls Cena into the ring across the middle rope and drops him with the hanging DDT for two. Orton stomps away at Cena and then distracts the ref so DiBiase and Cody can work Cena over in the corner. Hunter tags in Cody, who works Cena over. Cody hooks a full nelson but Cena breaks it. Both men wipe each other out with a double clothesline and both crawl to their corners and make tags. Orton and Hunter come in and Hunter nails him with a high knee and facebuster. He follows with a spinebuster and loads the Pedigree but Rhodes and DiBiase break it up. Cena comes in to help and takes Ted and Cody out. Orton sneaks up and drops Hunter with RKO. Seth breaks up the pin and Orton is not happy. Orton catches him and kicks him in the gut. Seth is on his knees and Orton lines up for the punt. He charges, but Cena hits the ring and takes him down with a spear. Ted and Cody hit the ring and all three men beat down Cena. Cody comes in with a chair but Hunter meets him with a sledgehammer to draw the bell. Legacy bails and Hunter almost nails Cena with the sledge by accident. Triple H, Cena & Green wrestle Orton, DiBiase & Rhodes to a no contest; Grade: 2.5
– Cena and Hunter get up and circle around Seth as the crowd chants for Green. They raise his hands and we are out. See you next week!
Final Grade: C
MVP: The Orlando Crowd
Runner Up: Mark Henry & Jack Swagger
Non MVP: Primo
Runner Up: Chavo Guerrero
Posted on July 13, 2009, in Justin Rozzero, WWE and tagged Alicia Fox, Big Show, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Cody Rhodes, Edge, Evan Bourne, Gail Kim, Hornswoggle, Jack Swagger, John Cena, Kelly Kelly, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, Maryse, Mickie James, MVP, Primo Colon, Randy Orton, Rosa Mendez, Santino Marella, Seth Green, Ted DiBiase Jr., The Legacy, The Miz, Triple H. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.