Bigelow’s Raw Report 8/3/09
Monday Night Raw 8/3/09
Mohegan Sun Arena
Announcers: Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
– We open up this week’s show inside the Mohegan Sun Arena where Lillian Garcia brings out this week’s guest host…Ari F’N Gold! Jeremy Piven drives out into the aisle and looks to be very fired up right out of the gate. He starts to head to the ring, but realizes he forgot something and runs back to the car. He pops the trunk and Dr. Ken Jeong pops out, dressed like a pimp. He tosses money to the crowd and the two hit the ring. Jeong is rocking some bad ass pimp clothes, including a half shirt. They scream a bit and Piven fires up the crowd. Dr. Ken drops some knowledge on us and pimps Piven’s resume. Piven returns the favor and introduces us to Dr. Ken. Piven has always wanted to do this, but there is something else he always wanted to do. He runs onto the ramp and some pyro fires off for him. He hits the ring and Piven says it will be like July 4th all night long. He runs down the Triple H/Legacy handicap match…but is quickly interrupted by the Miz. I saw someone driving in front of me today and their license plate was simply “Miz”. I thought that was badass. Miz wants to know if Piven is having fun making a mockery of Raw. Piven and Ken say they are having fun. Miz says he is an acclaimed TV star too. Piven and Ken laugh that one off and sneak in a movie plug. He makes fun of the Real World and says that every fan here has the goods but Miz does not. Ken keeps speaking gibberish as Miz tries to talk and Miz finally tells him to shut up. He calls Ken “Lloyd” and Piven tells Miz to go easy on the Entourage stuff. Piven puts a pacifier in Ken’s mouth. Miz wants Cena, not Piven, and he is ordering him to make it happen. Before Piven can even answer, Cena makes his way out to a huge pop. Cena hits the ring and Piven and Ken flank him. Cena thanks Ken for the prescription to clear up his rash. Cena says the WWE Universe has seen this and they know Miz isn’t very good and is quite pathetic. We get some more movie plugs as Cena trashes Miz some more. Cena wants Piven to make things interesting. Piven makes the match official…Cena vs. Miz in a Lumberjack match. This way Miz can’t run or hide. If Miz loses, he is banned from Summerslam in Los Angeles. Well, Piven said Summerfest, but I will forgive him because he laughed it off to cover. He goes even further and says if Miz loses…he is banned from the Staples Center altogether. Apparently Piven runs LA. I can dig it. Piven adds even more to it…if Miz loses tonight…he is permanently banned from Raw for all of eternity. Well, those are some lofty stipulations. Ken, Cena and Piven sing the “Goodbye Song” as Miz angrily takes off and we head to break. Outside of the Summerfest flub and Ken being annoying, that was a good opening segment. I am really digging these Guest Host spots. I hope they let it run for a while.
– The Boost Mobile Rewind takes us back to last week when Evan Bourne stole a win on Jack Swagger. We then head back inside the arena for our opening match.
1) Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Bourne makes his way out as Cole and King put over his big win from last week. He will get a chance to prove that last week wasn’t a fluke as Swagger heads out. Bourne ducks, dodges and strikes to start, but Swagger grounds him to take control. Bourne recovers but eats knees on a nice standing moonsault. Bourne gets a near fall but Swagger kills him with an Oklahoma Stampede. Cole doesn’t even reference it. If JR were here, he would have been flipping out. Swagger crushes him with the Gutwrench Powerbomb and picks up the easy win. Well, I don’t quite get that as they basically squashed Bourne. I guess they wanted to Swagger’s heat back. Swagger d. Bourne with a Gutwrench Powerbomb; Grade: 1
– Swagger hits a pair of suped up running Vader Bombs and is looking for more until MVP makes the save. Swagger heads off as we go to break.
– We are back and checking out the inside of the casino before taking a look at some of the press WWE and Shaq got for last week’s guest spot, including a recap of Shaq’s antics from throughout the night. Back live, Cole and King talk a bit more about Shaq and then implore us to vote on WWE.com. The question is who would win a match between Big Show and Shaq. Backstage, Piven is chatting up the Divas. Ken comes in and freaks out and Piven calms him down a bit and tells him to change is persona up a bit. He gives him an Asian gimmick and some racist overtones and then slickly puts him in a match with Show. Ken rags on Show a bunch until Show pops up behind him. Show wants Shaq back here tonight so he can get even for last week. Piven busts on Show’s weight and then pumps him up a bit and says they want to take him to the top. He thankfully shoves the pacifier in Ken’s mouth again. Show wants a match with Piven, but Piven gives him a US title match with Kofi Kingston instead. Show likes it and heads off and Ken starts ripping on him again. They head off and we head back to the ring.
2) Mickie James & Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall
Mickie and Gail hit the ring as we hit a quick break. After a quick The Goods preview, we head back to the ring for our Diva tag match. Jillian and Beth make their way out and we can now officially put those pregnancy rumors to bed. Mickie and Beth kick things off and I think we are really starting to see the Women’s division get into good shape here. After an opening flurry by Mickie, Beth overpowers her and beats her down. Jillian comes in and works Mickie over a bit. Mickie is able to fight her off and tag in Gail. The crowd has flattened out here. Gail hits a sweet missile dropkick and then knocks Beth to the floor. I like the pigtails on Gail. Beth tags herself in after Jillian misses a handspring elbow. She drills Gail from behind and drops her with the Glamazon Bomb for the win. Gail looked good in there but it looks like Beth is back in line for the next title shot. Beth & Jillian d. Gail & Mickie when Beth pins Gail with the Glamazon Bomb; Grade: 1
– We get some highlights of Triple H losing his Beat the Clock match with Cody Rhodes last week. Hunter looks for revenge later tonight. But…he is walking right now because the handicap match is next!
3) Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase vs. Triple H in a Handicap Match
The beginning of this new Rhodes & DiBiase song sounds like the opening riff of the old Radicalz song. Anyway, we are back from break and 2/3 of Legacy heads to the ring for our next contest. The Game is out next and the Mohegan Sun faithful are excited to see him. Hunter gets in his whole entrance and posing and all that before we finally get underway. Rhodes starts things off but Hunter controls him to start. DiBiase tags in and he has some better luck, but it is short lived. Rhodes comes in to help, but Hunter fights them both off and dumps them to the floor as we take a break. When we return, Cody has a neck vise on Hunter as Legacy took advantage during the break. Legacy works a nice bling tag but mis-time the double team a bit. I almost forgot how fun DiBiase & Rhodes are to watch when they work the heel tag style since we don’t get to see them in regular tag matches much anymore. Legacy quick tags and wear Hunter down, picking up some near falls. They work such a crisp heel tag offense and it builds nice heat. I love the old school stuff. Cole and Lawler keep talking about how much Rhodes and DiBiase are starting to look like Orton in the ring. Hunter fires back but Cody drops him with a quick DDT for two. Rhodes misses a beautiful moonsault and both men are down for a eight count. Hunter pops up and knocks Ted to the floor. He follows him out and runs him into the barricade to take him out. Hunter heads back and assaults Cody with the usual. Hunter is all fired up and attempts the Pedigree, but Ted comes back in and drops Hunter with Dream Street. Rhodes gets a near fall off that. He pulls Hunter up and drops him with the Crossrhodes for the…win? Wow! Rhodes and DiBiase actually take advantage of the numbers game and pick up a huge win. That was a solid match that was made by the finish. Rhodes & DiBiase d. Triple H when Rhodes beats Triple with the Crossrhodes; Grade: 2
– Hunter has a mic and says that the match hurt and that this didn’t go as planned. He asks if Legacy is just that good because they beat him every way he turns. They may be too much for the Game. He used to be pretty good at gang warfare and wonders if he should start another group. Or maybe he will just bring one back? Maybe he should bring back Evolution…the crowd doesn’t like that one. Hunter says Randy is a jerk, Batista is always hurt and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW. So, maybe he should just make one phone call. And if we aren’t down with that…he has two words for us. The VFW line was funny. Hunter pulls himself up as we go to break.
– We are back as Piven, Ken and the Divas are watching a The Goods promo. Chavo Guerrero comes in and plays up that he is nervous to meet Piven, but confuses him with Joe Rogan and then Jon Favreau. Piven recaps Chavo’s recent issues with Hornswoggle. Piven gives him a one-on-one match and then he and Chavo hug it out. Chavo confuses Ken with the dude from Heroes before scurrying off. Piven tells Ken he has a plan for Chavo as we head back to the ring.
4) Carlito vs. Primo
Carlito is in the ring as Cole takes us back to last month when the Colons lost a tag team title match to Jericho & Edge. The brothers will throw down here tonight, though. Primo heads out and he is all business. Primo uses his aerial wiles to keep Carlito off balance to start. Carlito catches him with a boot but Primo comes back with a nice flying clothesline. Primo hits a suicide dive as King tells us Primo asked for this match. If you haven’t seen last week’s Superstars, head over to Hulu and check out Primo’s match with Randy Orton. Carlito turns the tables with a hanging STO. King talks about Carlos Colon watching at home as Carlito gets a near fall. Primo comes back with his high flying attack but the crowd is just ice cold here. Carlito avoids a charge and sets up the Backstabber, but Primo rolls through and gets a near fall. Carlito recovers and nails the Backstabber on a second attempt and scores the win. Carlito is so much better as a heel and he has a hell of a look going right now. Carlito d. Primo with the Backstabber; Grade: 1.5
– Carlito stands tall as we head to commercial.
5) Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry
We are back and Chavo is going to give it another go here tonight. Piven and Ken show up on the Tron and Piven tells Chavo that Horny is out with Adult Chicken Pox. Instead, Horny’s cousin Markswoggle will be taking his place. And with that Mark Henry heads to the ring with one of Horny’s hats on. Oh, somebody is going to get their wings clipped for sure. Henry’s tights are bright red and are retina burning. Henry tosses Chavo around with ease before crushing him with the World’s Strongest Slam for the quick win. Henry got some love from the crowd there. Henry d. Guerrero with the World’s Strongest Slam; Grade: .5
– Outside the ring, Henry looks to the crowd, smiles, and pulls up the ring apron. Horny pops out and scampers around ringside. Henry puts him up into the ring and then hops in and drags Chavo across the ring. Horny heads up top and drops the Tadpole Splash. Henry is loving it and he and Horny celebrate as Chavo rolls to the floor. Henry is going to get over with this role and I hope they are ready for it. Kofi and Big Show tussle next…well, after this break.
– We are back and Piven is complimenting Ken on his robe. Randy Orton comes in and Piven names Orton the guest ring announcer for the main event. Orton shits on him, but Piven still gets in a movie plug. Orton smacks Ken and tells them he will kick them in the skull like he did to Vince McMahon. Orton walks off as Piven and Ken mumble to each other. Ken doesn’t think this is fun anymore but Piven says they will figure it all out.
6) Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show for the United States Championship
Back to the ring as it is time for our weekly Cup of Kofi. The US Champ hits the ring and I will be stuck with his song in my head for yet another week. Show heads out next and we find out that 83% of WWE fans think Shaq would win. Jericho joins Cole and Lawler and craps on the fan poll. Show puts down Kofi to start and works the ankle. Jericho gushes over his partner on commentary as Show just whips Kofi around. Jericho is pimp in that suit, putting over himself and Show. He really is the best in the business right now. Show keeps hammering on Kofi, cutting off any comeback attempts. Kofi tries to get back into it, but Show catches him and plants him hard on the mat. Show heads to the middle rope and drops down with a Vader Bomb but Kofi gets his foot on the rope to break up the pin. Jericho tells us that he and Show have won over 40 titles combined. He asks Lawler how many titles he has won and King says quite a few. Jericho tells him that Bowling Alley Championships don’t count. He name drops Charles Robinson but quickly corrects himself and says “the referee”. Kofi makes another comeback after some more Show mauling. Kofi lands the TIP and then heads up top. He hits a huge double legdrop off the top but Show kicks out with authority. Show greets him with a huge spear and then slugs away with some kidney punches. Show keeps pounding Kofi in the corner and the referee calls for the DQ because he won’t break. I liked the underdog story but the finish was weak. I love that moment when Kofi hit a big move but Show popped out. It is a classic “what else can I do” moment for Kofi and the fans. Kingston d. Show by disqualification; Grade: 1.5
– Jericho hops in the ring and they beat down Kofi while talking some smack. The beating continues as we go to break.
– We are back and Cole recaps the Handicap match from earlier. Backstage, Hunter is on the phone and makes a proposition to the other person to come back to work. Whoever he is talking to isn’t watching the show and didn’t see what happened earlier. The other person is busy but Hunter say he didn’t think he ever did jobs. He needs this person more than ever and needs to know if he is ready. There is no response as he the other person hung up while he was talking. Hunter seems downtrodden as we head back inside the arena. We get another The Goods clip before Lillian sets up our main event.
7) John Cena vs. Miz in a Lumberjack Match
Cena is out first as we take our final break of the night. We are back and Cole tells us that Sgt. Slaughter will be next week’s guest host! Commissioner Slaughter is back! Miz is in the ring but Piven and Ken are out before we start. Piven has a confession to make…he is really excited about this match and is a fan of Cena. But, he is a big fan of Randy Orton and that is why he has handpicked every single lumberjack himself. Dr. Ken heels it up and rags on the fans as he and Piven head to the ring. Piven would make a great heel manager as his heel turn bumped this whole thing up a notch for me. Orton comes out and he is joined by Legacy, Chavo, Swagger, Masters and Carlito. They surround the ring as the bell sounds. Miz hammers away to start but Cena turns things around. Cena clotheslines Miz to the floor where he is gingerly helped up and into the ring. Legacy distracts Cena and Miz knocks him to the floor. Masters locks in a Masterlock on Cena and he starts to fade. Masters wrenches it in until Cena passes out on the floor. They roll him back in and Miz gets a near fall but Cena gets the ropes. Miz lands a nice clothesline for another near fall. Ken is very animated at ringside as Miz works Cena over. Cena comes back with some shoulderblocks and the spinning slam. It is short lived as Cena ends up on the floor and Orton works him over. Ken hands Miz his pimp stick, but Cena ducks it and drops Miz with the AA for the win! Oh, come on now. Miz couldn’t win that one? It looks like he is gone from Raw after jobbing to Cena again. Cena d. Miz with the Attitude Adjustment; Grade: 1.5
– As Cena is distracted by Legacy, Piven ascends the top rope and dives off. Cena catches him in mid air and uses him to fight off the heels. Ken comes in and hits Cena with his cane, but Cena just stares at him. He tosses Piven aside as Ken starts freaking out and pretending he is friends with Cena. Ken drops to his knees and begs off Cena finally turns on Ken and press slams him down to the floor and into some of the lumberjacks. Ken smacked the shit out his head on the ramp. Cena stares down Legacy as we fade out. See you next week!
Final Grade: C
MVP: Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes
Runner Up: Jeremy Piven
Non MVP: Miz
Runner Up: Dr. Ken
Posted on August 3, 2009, in Justin Rozzero and tagged Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Chris Masters, Cody Rhodes, Dr. Ken, Evan Bourne, Gail Kim, Jack Swagger, Jeremy Piven, Jillian Hall, John Cena, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, Mickie James, Primo Colon, Randy Orton, Raw, Ted DiBiase Jr., The Legacy, The Miz, Triple H. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.