ECW: Hardcore TV
January 3, 1995

The current ECW champions were as follows:
World Champion: Shane Douglas (3/26/94)
Television Champion: Dean Malenko (11/4/94)
Tag Team Champions: The Public Enemy (11/5/94)

Your host is Joey Styles.

Music video: It’s White Zombie’s “Thunderkiss ’65” with assorted clips of the Pitbulls vs. The Bad Breed, Ian and Axl Rotten.

Mikey Whipwreck vs. Don E. Allen … This match is joined in progress and they even cut to Joey Styles DURING THE MATCH, so we can only HEAR the match going on. Mikey wins after we see about 24 seconds of action.

Onto a video package celebrating Mikey Whipwreck’s glorious 1994. Since it’s Mikey, all the clips show him getting his ass kicked, except for the one where scores a crazy fluke roll-up pin on Public Enemy to win the tag team belts along with Cactus Jack.

Interview with Mikey Whipwreck at ringside: Joey Styles introduces Mikey’s old tag partner Paul Lauria. He’s even smaller and more ordinary than Mikey. He surprise-smacks Mikey out of jealousy and whoops him around a bit. Out comes Jason the sexiest man on Earth, revealing himself to be Lauria’s new manager.

Fifteen minutes into this episode, we’re seeing the opening video. What is this, a Quentin Tarantino movie?

Interview with Jason: He’s going to destroy Mikey Whipwreck, all creepy like.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of ads.

Joey walks us through some various clips highlighting various storylines. Public Enemy crunched Paul E. through a table. That’s kinda cool. Never knew that happened.

Now, we’re watching something from last week’s episode. “Crippler” Chris Benoit tosses Hack Myers around with suplexes until he’s stretchered off. Some other stuff happens too.

Promo with the tag team champs The Public Enemy: Words cannot describe how silly and un-gangsta these two guys are when they open their mouths. They say they’ve got a Taz toy, but it’s one of those Troll dolls. Remember those, ’90s people?

The Public Enemy vs. Taz and Sabu (w/ Paul E) … This match is completely cut down to the highspots only, like table spots and weapons and Sabu’s staple moves. Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko arrive to attack Taz and Sabu. Then we flash-forward to post-match WITHOUT SEEING THE PINFALL, as P.E. and Benoit/Malenko beat down the good guys mercilessly. Paul E’s henchman 911 saves the day with chokeslams. The match and after party totaled 6:35.

Promo with Paul E: He tells us why ECW is so great, and he uses the term “sports entertainment” before it was a widely used term, I think.

More ads. Carver W. Reed. That’s your place to get jewelry in South Philly, okay? And did you know that Shane Douglas once wore a mustache and a Bret Hart-like frilly leather jacket? The truth is stranger than fiction, man.

Joey walks us through the last couple weeks of Stevie Richards’ life, as he dresses up as Scotty Flamingo, wins a match, loses a match, and by the way check out ECW at the National Guard Armory in Orlando on January 14!

Buy Hostile City Showdown on VHS! You’ve gotta call in to find out how much it costs! And allow 3 to 4 weeks for delivery. (Ahh, waiting several weeks for deliveries, FEEL THE NOSTALGIA!)

Okay, it’s time for serious business. ECW Champ Shane Douglas cuts a promo in the ring, and we watch a replay of Chris Benoit hitting a flying headbutt to break Ron Simmons’ arm. Ron shows up in street clothes with his arm in a sling. Did I mention his arm is in a sling? It’s important, because HE’S GONNA WRESTLE A MATCH! That’s a first.

• ECW Champion Shane Douglas vs. Ron Simmons (w/ his arm in a sling)

Ron Ron slugs Shane every which way to start, but on the floor, Shane sends the broken arm into the ringpost. Back in, Ron pounds Shane with his cowboy boot and his cowboy belt. Shane fights back and rips off the sling. Ron sure doesn’t know how to sell a BROKEN ARM. He’s tough, I get it, but jeez. Shane comes off the top, but Ron uses the boot again. Ron misses a charge, crunching the broken arm, and Shane rolls him up with a handful of jeans for 1-2-3 and a glorious title defense if I ever saw one. (4:20) Yes, that was indeed an uninterrupted match, so I must rate it. It’s the only match I’ve ever seen where a guy wears a sling, and yet he doesn’t sell his broken arm. Whatever, I’m feeling generous. It was a fun match. Let’s go with a respectable **1/4

As the show closes, Joey Styles tears open an envelope that will reveal the next contender for Shane Douglas’ ECW title (What is this, a David Stern joke? You know what I mean, semi-hardcore NBA fans.) … and the next contender is  … TULLY BLANCHARD!

Well, there you go. The review is as ragged and wacky as the show itself. The whiskey I consumed while reviewing this is absolutely nothing compared to whatever substances went into the episode itself. See ya later. I’m going to watch a British Bulldogs/Hart Foundation match now. That’s my chaser.