TEN YEARS AFTER: WWE RAW (08.06.07)
August 6, 2007
The current RAW champions are as follows:
WWE Champion: John Cena (9/17/2006)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Umaga (7/2/2007)
World Tag Team Champions: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (6/4/2007)
WWE Women’s Champion: Candice Michelle (6/24/2007)
Well, what do you know? Mr. McMahon isn’t actually dead after all. Earlier tonight, he showed up to the building much to the surprise of Jonathan Coachman and wanted every WWE superstar to come out to the ring because he wants to exercise his “freedom of expression”. I guess we just aren’t going to discuss the whole “blew up into a million tiny pieces when I opened the door to my limo” thing.
Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.
So after everybody in the building comes to the ring – Superstar and Diva alike – Mr. McMahon comes out and addresses being “blown to smithereens”. So Vince dies and comes back as Yosemite Sam? Anyways, he staged his amazing death to see if people really care about him. The outpouring of sympathy and concern was overwhelming and it’s nice to know people really love the guy. Now that the limo situation is out of the way, Vince wants to discuss various topics that are top on his mind: the U.S. congress, the news media, and certain members of his family. Hey, Coach is late walking out. But first, a battle royal and the winner becomes the *new* RAW GM. Coachman looks very concerned.
- Battle Royal for the RAW GM job
So after a year-and-a-half of searching for Bischoff’s replacement, it comes down to this. Umaga scares away the Divas before the bell so they are a non-issue. Here are the entrants: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch, Super Crazy, Paul London & Brian Kendrick, The Highlanders, Cryme Tyme, King Booker, TWGTT, Val Venis, Umaga, Mr. Kennedy, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Carlito, Cody Rhodes, The Sandman, and William Regal. Booker gets tossed early because he’s so distracted by Lawler. Nothing much going on. Regal falls to the floor and hurts his leg, but he’s not eliminated because he didn’t go over the top. Kendrick actually eliminates Umaga, but falls out with him. Duggan tosses out Kennedy. Umaga then gives Kendrick the SAMOAN SPIKE on the ramp.
FINAL FOUR: Cody Rhodes, the Sandman, Shelton Benjamin, and Carlito. The Sandman as the RAW GM would be pretty funny for at least a week or two. Rhodes takes a kick to the face from Benjamin leaving Carlito to finish the job. That leaves Sandman alone in a two-on-one, but Carlito and Shelton turn on each other and fight on the apron. Well, that’s real smart. Sandman knocks them both off and claims the – BUT WAIT! Regal was just faking and smashes Sandman in the back of the head with his boot. Regal then tosses Sandman and wins the RAW GM job we all figured he’d have when he was drafted back to Raw. (11:08 shown) Pretty uneventful battle royal overall. The Sandman moment was more of a “huh?” reaction to the finish than a “we were robbed!” reaction, I must say. ¾*
In the back, Vince talks to Coachman about the inefficiency of being investigated by – get this – *two* members of a U.S. Congressional committee while at the same time making Coach the RAW GM’s assistant, which essentially seems to be the same job as the RAW GM. After the segment, Lawler wows at the balls on McMahon for comparing the investigation a Congressional committee is doing to something so simple that even Barney Fife could handle by himself. It truly is the RUTHLESS AGGRESSION~! Era, folks.
TRIPLE H IS COMING BACK AT SUMMERSLAM! NO MORE OF THAT DX STUFF!
Elsewhere, Todd Grisham talks with King Booker and Queen Sharmell. The King Jerry Lawler is no more than a pretender. The winner gets to be crowned by the loser as the true king of the WWE next week in MSG!
WWE REWIND (brought to you by Quizno’s): RAW, 7/30/07. Cryme Tyme stole a jobber’s wrestling boots and auctioned them off to the marks.
- Snitsky vs. Rory McAllister (w/Robbie McAllister)
You know they weren’t very serious about pushing Snitsky because they never found anybody with any consequence for him to beat. Clothesline. The PUMPHANDLE POWERSLAM wins at 0:25.
Backstage, Mr. McMahon gets a phone call from his accountant. It seems serious. He’s being audited by the IRS, but Vince says he’s got nothing to hide and feels confident that the IRS will end up owing him money just like last time. McMahon vents about the news media having a field day with this news and creates a scenario off the top of his head that feels very much like how CNN or Fox News actually produces their shows. He says that there is no difference between WWE and the news media because they are both in the entertainment business where facts are of no consequence. Hey look, Mike Rotunda makes a cameo as “IRS”. He was back there reading his newspaper the whole time!
- Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James
Thankfully the WWE Network cuts out her singing, but she’s brought her bit over to RAW from Smackdown now. Jillian tosses her down by the hair, but Mickie comes back with a neckbreaker. Mickie gets one off an O’Connor Roll and kicks Jillian right in the face. Jillian snaps Mickie’s throat on the top rope though and finishes with a SITOUT FULL NELSON FACEBUSTER. (2:17) Well that was a surprise. ½*
Over in the RAW GM’s office, William Regal tells Coach to round up a set and some contestants because he has always wanted to be a game show host.
John Cena is supposed to be Carlito’s guest again this week, but he takes over the show right away while Carlito just sits there. Cena interviews himself and busts out the Top Three from the home office in West Newbury. After a long monologue, Cena attacks Carlito in retaliation for last week. That brings out Randy Orton to sneak attack Cena. Cena scares him off though and FUs Carlito. The new RAW GM William Regal comes out and tells Carlito and Orton to decide who gets a piece of Cena – tonight.
In the back, Carlito and Orton put their heads together and come up with – Umaga. So, there was a third option? McMahon, who is still hanging around venting, is concerned that his family members weren’t broken up enough about his demise. He even lets out that he thinks Linda was screwing longtime business partner and the one and only President of the XFL Basil DeVito.
- King Booker (w/Queen Sharmell) vs. Jerry Lawler
Booker stalls a lot, which is somewhat ironic, considering he’s wrestling Lawler. Lawler punches him down in the corner, but the ref backs him off, allowing Booker to come back. Booker stomps him down for a while, but Lawler punches his way back. They brawl to the floor where Sharmell distracts Lawler as he’s getting back in the ring. That allows Booker to hit the Scissors Kick for the win. (6:49) Lawler has to crown Booker next week in Madison Square Garden, which will, in no way, be interrupted by Triple H. Nope. Not possible. *½
After a video package showing what Mr. Kennedy did to Bobby Lashley last week, Ross announces that Lashley has a torn rotator cuff. Mr. Kennedy then comes out and screams his name over and over again because he’s great like that. He has really lost steam since coming over to RAW though.
Backstage, Randy Orton and Carlito are seen motivating Umaga to rip Cena limb from limb.
WWE Dating Game:
Your dater is the lovely Maria. Your bachelors are Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Ron Simmons, and Santino Marella. Funny moment as Duggan introduces himself and realizes he’s wearing his wedding ring. In true “Dating Game” fashion, Duggan brags about his giant piece of wood. Regal’s introductions are hilarious. Maria comes out, asks some questions, and picks Ron Simmons. I think we can all agree that she made the right choice there. Santino gets upset about it because they are already a couple. He threatens to beat up Simmons and take Maria away. That brings out Umaga to chase everyone off. Well, threatening to beat up Ron Simmons probably isn’t the best idea anyway.
Backstage, a very strange process server delivers a summons for Mr. McMahon and Coach signs for it. I’m not sure that you can legally do that, but let’s just go with it. Coach doesn’t like the looks of it!
- John Cena vs. Umaga
Umaga beats Cena down early. Cena slides through the legs and hits a Blockbuster. Umaga no-sells and hits a spinning wheel kick. We come back from break to find Umaga holding a nerve pinch. During the break, we see Cena taking a bump from the apron to the announce table. He battles back, but collapses under an FU attempt. Cena tries coming off the top and gets caught for the Gunnslinger! I could watch these two go at it weekly. The Samoan Splash misses though and Cena locks in the STFU. That brings out Randy Orton and Carlito to attack Cena for the DQ. (5:05 shown) They set Cena up for the Buttalanche, but Umaga isn’t a team player. He turns on Orton and squashes Carlito. FACE TURN! Regal comes out and makes a tag match for Orton and Carlito against Cena and Umaga for MSG. He’s already turned into Teddy Long, playa. **½
In the back, Vince says goodnight to the roster and walks out into the night. He looks back at a couple of production guys, pauses, and gets in his limo. Only this time, Coach runs out and stops him from shutting the door. No real bomb this time, but there is a bombshell in the form of a PATERNITY SUIT! Turns out Vince sired an illegitimate child somewhere along the line.
AND WE ARE OFF TO THE RACES, FOLKS. Until next time, so long for now.
Posted on August 11, 2017, in WWE and tagged Booker T, Brian Kendrick, Carlito, Charlie Haas, Cody Rhodes, Cryme Tyme, Gene Snitsky, Jerry Lawler, Jillian Hall, Jim Duggan, John Cena, Jonathan Coachman, Lance Cade, Maria, Mickie James, Mr. Kennedy, Paul London, Queen Sharmell, Randy Orton, Raw, Ron Simmons, Santino Marella, Shelton Benjamin, Super Crazy, The Highlanders, The Sandman, Trevor Murdoch, Umaga, Val Venis, Vince McMahon, William Regal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.