WWE: RAW
October 1, 2007
Cleveland, OH
Quicken Loans Arena

The current RAW champions are as follows:
WWE Champion: John Cena (9/17/2006)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Jeff Hardy (9/3/2007)
World Tag Team Champions: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (9/8/2007)
WWE Women’s Champion: Candice Michelle (6/24/2007)

Read along if you have the WWE Network!

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. Lawler is wearing his best Cleveland Indians jersey tonight. The Indians won the AL Central with a record of 96-66 in 2007, but wound up losing to the Boston Red Sox in the ALCS in seven games missing another opportunity to be in the World Series. Those were the days.

Vince McMahon comes out to meet three “$5 Dollar Wrestling”-looking dudes in the ring to kick off the show. He guarantees victory over Triple H tonight and shows us a video package of him beating the holy hell out of Triple H throughout the years. Now onto these thicc bois in the ring. Vince says they are experts in three different fighting styles: wrestling, karate, and sumo wrestling. Instead of beating them up himself, he brings out UMAGA to do it instead. I have missed you, Umaga. He meets Triple H this coming Sunday at No Mercy – LIVE ON PPV.

• Jeff Hardy, Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Shelton Benjamin, Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
  

The heels pretty much start working on Kendrick from the get-go. That builds to the hot tag to Jeff Hardy. He delivers his dropkicks and legdrops to the balls of Cade. The Whisper in the Wind connects. Jeff looks for the Swanton, but Shelton crotches him. London takes out Benjamin with a running SSP off the apron. Meanwhile, Kendrick grabs Cade for SLICED BREAD #2 as Hardy ascends to the top for the SWANTON BOMB for the win. (3:20) Short, but fun. *½

In the back, we see that William Regal has returned as the GM of RAW when Vince welcomes him back to the program. Coach is definitely “under the weather” after what happened to him at the hands of John Cena last week. They announce John Cena against Mr. Kennedy for tonight’s main event. Vince asks for a personal favor from Regal: look after his bastard son. Regal loses him in five seconds and checks under sofa cushions and behind pictures. Hilarious.

We hear from Randy Orton via satellite in Chicago. He’s just there waiting to face John Cena on Sunday and watches the footage of kicking Cena’s dad in the head for laughs. Orton says he’s going to do whatever it takes to win the WWE title in the Last Man Standing match. Yawn.

Diva Search time! They run an obstacle course. More yawning.

Elsewhere, William Regal is backstage looking for Hornswoggle. He runs by the Highlanders who haven’t seen him. Regal wants to know why they turned down a match against London and Kendrick tonight. The only match they want is against Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch for the world tag belts. Boy, that bald Highlander is not ready for prime time as far as mic skills go.

• Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly
  

This is a rematch from last week when Holly gave Cody one of his first losses. Headlocks and shoulderblocks to start. Cody delivers a few armdrags. Holly gets him into a corner for some chops, but Rhodes comes back with a few nearfalls. Holly winds up catching him in the corner though and delivering the ALABAMA SLAM for the win. (1:55) I have a feeling this feud is going to continue until finally Cody gets the victory. ¾*

Beth Phoenix comes out and takes some mic time. She considers it a foregone conclusion that she will beat Candice Michelle at No Mercy for the WWE women’s title and gets Lillian Garcia to announce her as the new champ. When Lillian follows up saying that it all depends on her beating Candice, Phoenix gets really pissed. OH MAN. While also promoting Lillian’s new album, Beth decides to crush her throat. Candice runs out for the save and cleans house.

SAVE_US.222 promo airs.

• Guest Referee: Carlito – Triple H vs. Mr. McMahon
  

After Vince comes to the ring, he sets up a clip of Triple H destroying Umaga with chairshots and sledgehammer shots from the week Umaga went out on suspension. Vince interrupts Triple H’s usual grandiose entrance and calls out a referee: CARLITO. Oh boy. McMahon stalls as long as he possibly can before Triple H finally gets his hands on him. When he argues with Carlito, Triple H shoves him down. Well, that should be a DQ right there. Helmsley goes inside the ring and readies himself to deliver the Pedigree when Carlito comes up behind him with the BACKSTABBER. Respect the shirt, Triple H! Carlito puts Vince on top for a quick two-count. Triple H fights out of the corner with a low blow and attacks Carlito. Ahh, there’s the bell. (2:46) McMahon is now 2-0 against Triple H in the last two weeks. Umaga comes out to meet Helmsley for an awesome brawl. Triple H is actually selling for Umaga! Carlito shows back up to clothesline Triple H out of the ring, which just pisses off Umaga. Next thing we know, Triple H has got his sledgehammer ready to attack Umaga. Instead of going after Helmsley, Umaga rolls out and retreats with Vince. Ugh, LAME. N/R

Marella at the Movies: Santino Marella and Maria come out for their new in-ring segment. He reviews “The Condemned”. He hates it, Maria loves it. He said the tragedy was that the movie should have been great, but it didn’t have a true star with charisma like Santino. Val Venis comes out to put Maria in his new movie which will be the sequel to “Mr. Woodcock”. Har har har. When Santino tries to drag her away from the creep, Val says Maria can star in his next film or in a film about Santino’s lovemaking skills entitled “Superbad.” With jokes *this* bad, Santino had no choice but to jump Val and try to break his leg.

Todd Grisham speaks with WWE champ John Cena in the back. Cena says people may hate him and think he sucks, but deep down they all know that No Mercy is his night. Hmm, this is so sad looking back. He will take everything that Orton throws at him and will never quit.

• Mickie James vs. Melina
  

They replay Hornswoggle nearly raping Melina last week. LULZ. This was a pretty forgettable match. Melina was setting Mickie up for some sort of finish when Hornswoggle popped his head out of the apron and distracted her – thus allowing Mickie to roll her up for the pin. (2:51) Melina then goes under the ring to go after Horny. He comes out on the other side with her top in his hand. When he realized what he had, Hornswoggle went back under and came out with her bottoms. So Melina is now nude under the ring? She pokes her head out asking for her clothes, but Horny runs off to do some sniffing I’m sure. ½*

Backstage, William Regal chastised Hornswoggle when Dr. Steve-O shows up to plug his new reality show that comes on right after RAW. He leaves to go find some wussy to turn into a man. This is apparently the theme of the show. After Dr. Steve-O leaves and Horny is once again missing, Regal started examining Melina’s ring attire. Boy, the crowd really digs Steve-O.

After they run down the No Mercy card, Steve-O runs into Ron Simmons backstage. He tells Ron he could be more of a man and invites him to come onto his show. Big mistake. Simmons throws him through a door and said “DAMN!”.

• John Cena vs. Mr. Kennedy
  

This is touted as the first-ever meeting between these two. Headlocks and shoulderblocks to start. Kennedy escapes an armbar and starts kicking and pounding on Cena. To the floor they go, Kennedy bounces Cena’s face off the steps. Commercials! When we come back, Kennedy is shown in charge. DDT gets two. Cena suplexes out of a chinlock and tries the STFU. Whoa, tapout! (4:52 shown) HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Randy Orton appears out of nowhere and drops Cena with the RKO! He takes Cena to the floor and hits him in the head with the top half of the stairs. Now over to the announce table, Orton gives Cena another RKO. With Cena knocked out, Orton counts to ten screaming in his face proving that he could put Cena down for the count at No Mercy. *½

Good angle to close out the show. Too bad Cena tore his chest and ended this whole feud for the time being, but that’s life in the fast lane. Until next time, so long for now.

WWE presents No Mercy LIVE on PPV on Sunday, October 7 from the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, IL

MAIN EVENT: Last Man Standing for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Randy Orton
Punjabi Prison Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista (c) vs. The Great Khali
WWE Women’s Championship: Candice Michelle (c) vs. Beth Phoenix
Triple H vs. Umaga
Finlay vs. Rey Mysterio