WWE: RAW
January 7, 2008
Uncasville, CT
Mohegan Sun Arena

The current RAW champions are as follows:
WWE Champion: Randy Orton (10/7/2007)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Jeff Hardy (9/3/2007)
World Tag Team Champions: Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes (12/10/2007)
WWE Women’s Champion: Beth Phoenix (10/7/2007)

Read along if you have the WWE Network!

William Regal is pacing around in his office when Vince McMahon enters. Regal says he really needs to talk to Vince, but Vince stops him because he first needs to talk about RAW ROULETTE~! Regal can’t wait any longer and tells Vince he knows he’s mad he didn’t hit Hornswoggle to which Vince acts mad that Regal would actually hit his son. Hilarious mind games going on there. Regal then explains he thought he would make it up to Vince by getting Triple H disqualified so he would be out of the Royal Rumble match. McMahon ponders that and seems satisfied, but now he also wants Triple H hurt as well. He puts Triple H in a match with William Regal and spins the wheel to find out which match they will compete in: a FIRST BLOOD MATCH. That wheel looked like it might have realistically stopped on “Lingerie Pillow Fight”, which is a shame it didn’t. Regal looks much less excited about this than Mr. McMahon does and walks out of his office into an attack from Triple H. Refs and agents come out of literally nowhere and hold Triple H back as we go into the intro.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

• Shawn Michaels & Mr. Kennedy vs. Charlie Haas & Trevor Murdoch

They take us back to last week when Kennedy scored the biggest pinfall of his career over Shawn Michaels. It looks like these two are supposed to go one-on-one again this week when Mr. McMahon appears on the TitanTron and spins the wheel. The wheel lands on “Strange Bedfellows” match, which means they will be teaming up against random opponents. It’s like Battlebowl. This match is joined in progress. Kennedy gets blind tagged by Shawn since he doesn’t want to tag out. Shawn dumps out Kennedy and dumps out Haas. He then reaches under the ring and slips on a red mask. He hops up on the apron doing a old timey luchadore pose for the crowd, but then HBK flips him into the ring. Haas NO-SELLS and goes back to posing. Murdoch reaches in for a cheapshot. He tags in and delivers the atomic drop and running boot combo for two. Tag to Haas, he jumps from the top rope, lands on his feet, and then drops an elbow. Michaels chops back and reaches to Kennedy for a tag, but he drops off the apron. Back to Haas, Shawn takes off the mask and starts his signature comeback. The Flying Elbow connects and some SWEET CHIN MUSIC takes Murdoch off the apron. As he tunes up the band for Haas, Kennedy blind tags Shawn. Haas eats SWEET CHIN MUSIC anyways, but then Kennedy hops in the ring and drops Shawn with the MIC CHECK before covering Haas for the three-count. (4:42 shown) Ross called this a “train wreck” and I don’t disagree. Kennedy lies down next to Shawn and talks some smack in his ear. This is the beginning of Charlie Haas using alter-egos to try and get over. Later in the year, we see him parody lots of WWE legends. This luchadore thing though feels like a TNA idea if I’m being honest. ¾*

• Hardcore Holly (w/Cody Rhodes) vs. Carlito (w/Santino Marella)

This is a “Trading Places” match. In this match, each wrestler must dress like the other. So Carlito is wearing Holly’s gear and a blonde wig while Holly is wearing Carlito’s gear, a huge dark afro wig, and eating an apple. Carlito punches Holly until the wig falls off and then really puts the boots to him. A back suplex gets two. Carlito pulls back on the arms. As Holly gets up, he puts Holly back down with a neckbreaker. They trade chops and that kickstarts Holly’s comeback. The Best Dropkick in the Business signals Santino to get up on the apron. With the ref’s back turned, Cody Rhodes tosses Holly the apple. He takes a big bite, spits the apple in Carlito’s face, and then delivers the ALABAMA SLAM for the win. (3:24) That blonde wig never left Carlito’s head. Afterwards, Holly puts the afro wig back on and celebrates the victory. *

By the wheel, Mr. McMahon lets Maria spin the wheel for the Divas match. It lands on a submission match, but Vince has Maria close her eyes and picture a romantic date with Santino while he moves the wheel back to “Lingerie Pillow Fight”. He tells her not to stuff the pillows and she says her pillows are all natural. Hubba hubba.

Todd Grisham meets with Jeff Hardy backstage. Matt isn’t doing good. Jeff says he spent New Year’s in the hospital with him. If Randy Orton wants to kick Matt in the head, Jeff says he’s not only going to take the WWE title, he’s going to take Randy Orton out at the Royal Rumble.

Back to the wheel, Hornswoggle and Vince McMahon share a moment. There’s audio difficulties and decide to take a commercial break. When we return, Vince says if Hornswoggle wins tonight, he will be in the Royal Rumble match. The wheel lands on “Mr. McMahon’s Choice”. He books a tag team match. Since Finlay isn’t here tonight, Vince lets Horny choose his own partner. If Horny and his partner win the tag match, they both will be in the Royal Rumble match.

• Lingerie Pillow Fight: Melina vs. Jillian Hall vs. Maria vs. Mickie James vs. Ashley

Ashley makes her return to WWE to a ehh reaction. I’m not doing PBP for this. Ashley wins with a flying elbow to Jillian on the bed. (3:00) Award-winning television, ladies and gentlemen. Ashley hangs around for a few months and then she’s outta here. N/R

In the back, Hornswoggle can’t seem to find a tag partner. Super Crazy says he ain’t that crazy.

• First Blood: Triple H vs. William Regal

A slugfest with Triple H in control spills out to the floor. Regal reaches for his brass knucks and Triple H gets the jump on him. Hunter bounces Regal’s face off the announce table trying to bust him open. He grates Regal’s forehead on the steps. Triple H then tosses the steps at Regal who ducks of course. Regal yanks Triple H into the ringpost, but then knees the ringpost when Triple H moves. In the ring, Regal unloads on Triple H with a T-bone suplex. With Triple H down, Regal removes a turnbuckle pad and smashes his face on it. Still no blood though. More and more punches from Regal and a knee drop connects, but no blood. Now Regal gets his face smashed on the exposed steel – time after time. Remember when that was a finish? The Triple H Facebuster sets up the Pedigree, but Regal counters to a catapult to the corner. There’s a running knee from Regal, but no blood. This crowd is really giving it to Regal here. It’s not like anyone has made a big deal about Triple H coming from Connecticut in the last ten years. Regal finds the brass knucks, but walks into a AA Spinebuster. Helmsley mounts Regal and starts unloading on him until he bleeds. (5:24) Quite an enjoyable brawl with the focus on the gimmick due to Regal costing him his place in the Rumble match. Triple H of course drops him with a PEDIGREE – because he’s Triple H. **½

Hornswoggle tries to get Santino Marella to join him tonight. Santino asks why they don’t just bring in Count Chocula and make it a six-man. He won’t risk his chances for being in the Royal Rumble by joining Hornswoggle and says small people creep him out. Oh boy.

We get a video package highlighting the Chris Jericho and JBL feud.

• JBL & Snitsky vs. Chris Jericho

The wheel spins during the commercial break and it “lands on” handicap match. If they are smart, JBL and Jericho won’t touch. Snitsky throws Jericho around until he misses a big boot and gets crotched. Jericho dropkicks him to the floor. Now JBL jumps Jericho and another brawl ensues on the floor until JBL hits Jericho with the ring bell for the DQ. (1:25) So much for Snitsky’s usefulness. JBL throws the ref aside and wraps a thick camera cable around Jericho’s neck to drag him backstage. Funny how this was a “fireable” offense two years later for Daniel Bryan and that was only for a few seconds. He attempts to hang Jericho by the stage until finally refs and agents stop him. Wild angle though. ½*

• Royal Rumble Qualifier: Hornswoggle & BK Jordan vs. The Highlanders

BK Jordan is a scrony-looking kid from the New England indy circuit. Everyone seems confused until Mick Foley’s music hits and he comes down to the ring to help Horny. Foley has BK Jordan hit the bricks and it’s one.

• Royal Rumble Qualifier: Hornswoggle & Mick Foley vs. The Highlanders

Foley beats up Robbie and tags in Horny. He steps on Robbie’s feet and dropkicks him down for a running senton splash. Tag to Rory, he gets his hands on Horny and bounces his feet on the mat. Foley makes the save allowing Hornswoggle to regroup. He hot tags Foley for the corner punches and the running knee. BANG BANG! There’s the knee lift. Robbie distracts Foley so his team can take over. Foley is in the wrong side of town. He stops a double backdrop, dumps out Rory, and pulls out Mr. Socko. Rory flies in for the MANDIBLE CLAW and then Robbie takes the DOUBLE-ARM DDT. Horny then tags in for the TADPOLE SPLASH for the win. (3:45) Crowd goes freaking nuts as Hornswoggle and Mick Foley are going to the Royal Rumble. Fun, harmless stuff. *½

• Cage Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga

The IC title is not on the line here. Randy Orton comes down and watches on from ringside. Hardy sticks and moves to start only to run into a brick wall. He tries a sunset flip though. Umaga tries to squash him, but lands on the canvas. There’s a sitout jawbreaker, but that Samoan head is pretty tough. Umaga kicks him back in the face, but misses an avalanche and gets the corner dropkick for two. Jeff gets launched into the cage and nearly climbs out, but Umaga grabs his ankle and slings him back down to the mat to take us into commercial. When we return, Umaga has a nerve hold applied. Randy Orton is standing up shouting things at Umaga and Hardy. Jeff gets to his feet, but takes a backdrop into the cage. Awesome. Umaga splashes Jeff up against the cage wall for two. Orton is beside himself and throws a bunch of chairs into the ring. Umaga wipes out Jeff with a shot to the back and shoulders. He looks confused as Orton is still shouting stuff, but ultimately covers Jeff for 1-2-NO! Umaga tries climbing out only to get tripped and crotched. Hardy uses a chair to hit Poetry in Motion. The Twist of Fate gets pushed away and Umaga jabs him in the throat. Here comes the Buttalanche, but Jeff moves and hits a couple running clotheslines. He throws a chair at Umaga and then DDTs him on one for 1-2-NO! Hardy goes for the door, but Orton slams it back in his face. DARN YOU, RANDY! Umaga slowly covers Jeff for 1-2-NO! JEFF HARDY WILL NOT DIE! Umaga wants the Samoan Spike, but Jeff punches back and lands the TWIST OF FATE. As he starts to climb out and reaches the rim of the cage, Orton stands in his way and shouts threats at him. With nowhere else to go, Jeff delivers the WHISPER IN THE WIND FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE TO UMAGA! That’ll do. Jeff covers him for the 1-2-3. (11:39 shown) Randy looks like he has no idea what to think now. This was awesome and everything involved was great. If you don’t see him as a top contender now, you aren’t going to. ***½

Great way to end what was otherwise a crappy show more often than not.

Until next time, so long for now.