Bigelow’s Raw Report 5/25/09
Monday Night Raw 5/25/09
Los Angeles, CA
Announcers: Michael Cole & Jim Ross
– We open the show with a dedication to the US Armed Forces in recognition of Memorial Day and then hit the opening animation before heading inside the Staples Center for this bastard child edition of Raw! Michael Cole and Jim Ross welcome us to Raw and run down our card. And right out of the gate we are joined by an E. Stan Kroenke impersonator, the owner of the Denver Nuggets. As he makes his way out to “Hail to the Chief” we get a video recap of the Denver Debacle to catch up all the fans that may be in the dark on this tomfoolery. We even have Jack Nicholson, David Stern and Jerry Buss look-a-likes in the crowd as well. Ok, that was a nice touch. Kroenke has the mic and away we go. He is the owner of the future NBA Champion Nuggets and he cannot stand WWE or its fans. He doesn’t care that he screwed thousands of WWE fans because he has more important things to do with his time. He is a respected businessman, tycoon and billionaire and he as now been vilified and made fun of by WWE, the media and the fans. Allow him to give an example…and we see the WWE.com graphic with Kroenke dressed as the devil and Vince with a halo. The crowd is eating this stuff up. Kroenke is no devil and Vince is no angel. His Nuggets will…well, we never find out because Mr. McMahon struts out to a huge pop. Vince shows Kroenke away and stands center ring, soaking in the cheers. Vince is here to announce a new professional basketball league and it will rival the NBA…it will be known as the XBA! Unfortunately, the league will be a miserable, total failure and the reason for that is because Kroenke and his staff will be running it. Vince says this didn’t have to happen. Kroenke could have called up, admitted he screwed up and asked for help. As a result of that not happening, Vince decided to have some fun that will continue tonight. He makes fun of Kroenke’s name because he never trusted anyone with an initial for a first name. He did some research and found out the E stands for Enos! He calls him “an Enos” and keeps yelling it until the crowd joins in. Vince also informs us that Enos rhymes with…Venus…and genius, but we know Kroenke is not a genius. He may have a terminal case of Enos Envy and it is written all over him. He disrespected WWE fans and he may think he can push the WWE Universe around, but they push back. And Vince shoves Kroenke to the g round. Kroenke rolls to the floor and Vince smirks at him as his music plays. As Vince starts to leave, we are joined by the Miz. He apologizes to Vince but he has something important to say to the fans. As we all know, he became a big TV star in LA, the home of the Lakers, the team everyone here thinks will become Champions. Well, it is reality check time, because he is from the city of the real future Champions: Cleveland. He reveals a LeBron James jersey to some boos. The Cavs will overcome the odds and win it all because LeBron is awesome like the Miz. And John Cena is an overrated phony poser, kind of like Kobe Bryant. In the main event tonight, he will run Cena out of the town like Kobe did to Shaq. It will be more painful than Magic Johnson’s talk show as Miz will move to 6-0 against Cena. WWE is where the Miz happens. And as soon as he finishes talking, we are immediately joined by Cena. He powerwalks to the ring but DiBiase and Rhodes jump him as he slides inside. The assault is on until Batista comes down and breaks things up. He drills them all with spinebusters but Big Show comes in to beat down Batista and Cena. Lawler hits the ring and slugs away at Show, but he eats a big headbutt to put him down. Cena and Batista clothesline Show to the floor and celebrate. We see Kelly stretching backstage as we head to break. Well, that wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared and the crowd heat was off the hook for it all.
– We are back with the Just for Men rewind which takes back to last week when Kelly won the battle royal to earn a shot at Maryse’s title here tonight.
1) Kelly vs. Maryse for the Diva’s Championship
Back inside the Staples Center, we are being joined by Kelly as she will challenge for championship gold for the first time in her career. Maryse makes her way out next and this is as close to a Diva dream match for me as we will get on live TV. Maryse taunts a bit to start but Kelly just wants to get going. Maryse takes Kelly down with a spear and hammers away at her. Kelly fights up but Maryse nails her with a spinning backbreaker and picks up an arrogant near fall. She spikes Kelly to the mat and then paintbrushes her. Maryse tells Jack Doane to back off as she yanks Kelly up by her hair and spikes her back down. Kelly reverses a whip to the corner and charges in after Maryse. Kelly takes Maryse down and then picks her up and whips her into the corner. She hits a double springboard elbow for two. Kelly slugs away at Maryse until Maryse can finally wriggle free. Maryse rolls to the floor but Kelly comes out after her. Maryse catches her with a shot to the face and then tosses her on the announce table. Maryse hammers away on her and then shoves her off the table to draw the bizarre DQ. Well, the effort was certainly there. Kelly d. Maryse by disqualification; Grade: .5
– Kelly comes in and jumps Maryse but Maryse quickly escapes. Kelly stares her down as we go to break.
– Backstage, the Bella Twins are sucking up to Jack Nicholson. They come upon Goldust and Hornswoggle and Goldust gushes over Nicholson, stuttering while doing so. He explains that he was electrocuted a few years ago and then says that they were hoping for some acting lessons here tonight. Goldust and Hornswoggle reenact a scene from A Few Good Man. Nicholson isn’t too impressed and he and the Bellas walk off as Goldust praises Cuckoo’s Nest. Cole then sends us to a recap of last week’s showdown between Ric Flair and Randy Orton. Backstage again, Ric Flair is getting dressed up. Batista comes in to chat, but Flair cuts him off because he will be going out to call out Orton tonight. Batista doesn’t think it should happen tonight. Flair should do it the night after Extreme Rules when he is half alive after the cage match. Flair doesn’t care for that plan because he can handle himself and wants to get it done tonight. If Batista doesn’t like it, he shouldn’t watch it. He is a sixteen time Champion and he will let the world know it. Flair walks off and we go to break.
2) Matt Hardy vs. William Regal vs. Kofi Kingston to earn a US Title shot next week
We are back and Matt Hardy is out for our next match. The winner of this will earn a shot at MVP next week. Matt is still sporting the cast as he gingerly climbs in the ring. Regal is out next and we see highlights from Superstars when he took a tough loss at the hands of Kofi. And speaking of Kofi, he makes his way out next to complete our trifecta. The bell sounds and all three start going at it. Matt quickly bails to the floor, clutching his arm. Regal works out Kofi in the corner and drills him with a clothesline. He gets a near fall and then comes at Kofi with some uppercuts. Regal eats a knee on a charge and Kofi sends him flying with a monkey flip. He takes Regal down but Matt hooks his leg as he comes near the rope. Kofi turns and charges and he and Regal take each other out with clotheslines. Matt slides in and gets a near fall on both men. Matt starts working them both over as we see MVP strut down the aisle. Matt sends Kofi into the corner as we take a quick break. When we return Regal has Kofi in a full nelson. He sends him up and over with a throw as MVP has joined the announcers. Regal takes a shot at Matt’s cast as MVP puts all three men over. Kofi slingshots in and tries a sunset flip but Regal smacks him down. Matt comes over and snaps Kofi down with a neckbreaker for two. Regal locks a hammerlock chinlock combo on Kofi as the crowd seems to be getting behind Hardy. Kofi slips free and lands some uppercuts. He shoves Regal into the corner but Matt nails both men with clotheslines. Regal recovers and takes Matt down by his cast and then drops a knee on it. Kofi shoots Regal into the corner but Regal is able to flip him to the apron as he charged in. Kofi heads up top and he comes flying on to Regal for a near fall. Kofi lands a double thrust and dropkick to Matt and then follows with the Boom legdrop for two. Kofi shoots Matt into the corner and leaps up onto him and starts hammering away. Regal slugs Regal from behind and tosses him with an exploder throw. Matt hits Regal with the side effect for two. He gets a near fall on Kofi as well. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate but Regal ducks it and takes him over with a back suplex. Regal lines up Kofi and charges but Kofi drills him with the Trouble in Paradise. Matt breaks up the pin and then goes to nail Kofi with the cast, but Kofi ducks it and lands the TIP on Matt for the win. That was a fun match despite it being all over the damn place. Kingston d. Hardy & Regal with the Trouble in Paradise; Grade 2
– MVP congratulates Kofi at ringside as we check out a replay. We then see Ric Flair walking as we head to break.
– The Snickers Slam of the Week takes us back to last week when Batista pinned Orton in a handicap match, thanks to an assist from Ric Flair. And back in the Staples Center, we are joined by the Nature Boy himself as Flair struts down the aisle. The World Champion sucker punched Flair last week and he had his way with the Nature Boy. All he could think about was what Jericho had done to him and he wouldn’t let that happen again. Orton is great and the World Champion, but he wants to see Orton beat him up while looking him in the eye. Orton shouldn’t feel sorry for Flair; he should just feel sorry for himself if he can’t beat Flair. Flair calls Orton out and the Champion obliges. Orton stops on the ramp and asks Flair what he thinks would happen if he came to the ring. He would love to fight Flair and beat him down on principle alone, but he can’t. He lowered himself to punching a sixty year old train wreck and he will not do it again. He is not Chris Jericho. Flair keeps yelling over him and telling him to come down to fight. Orton says it is over for Flair. It was over six years ago and Triple H only kept Flair around because he felt sorry for him. Orton is on the ring apron now. Orton says he is starting to feel sorry for Flair, as are the fans. He tells Flair that it is over as he gets in the ring. Flair smacks Orton so Randy takes him down and hammers away. Batista hits the ring to make the save and Orton quickly bails. Flair tries to get at Orton but Batista keeps him at bay by the back of his pants, which is funny. On the ramp, Orton tells Batista to keep wasting his time on Flair because Batista will be all done like Flair after Extreme Rules. Orton starts to back off but we are now joined by Mr. Kennedy. The mic lowers and Kennedy tells Orton he looks surprised. He says this isn’t over because it is just getting started. In fact, tonight marks the official return of the man that will soon be WWE Champion. That guy will also be the mystery man in the five on five main event tonight…and that man is known all around the world as Mr. Kennedy…Orton stares at him and then walks off…Kennedy! Kennedy plays to the crowd as we go to break.
– We are back and checking out Mr. McMahon’s star on the Walk of Fame. Back inside, Michael Clarke Duncan is in the house. And so is Santino Marella, who is heading to the ring for our next match.
3) Santino Marella & Mickie James vs. Chavo Guerrero & Beth Phoenix
Apparently Santina Marella and Vicki Guerrero will be wrestling for the Miss Wrestlemania crown at Extreme Rules and the winning team in this match gets to pick the stipulation for that match. Mickie comes skipping down to the ring as she will find herself on the same side of the ring with Santino. Santino rubs her back and tries to sneak a kiss behind her back in a funny spot. Chavo, Beth and Rosa are out next and we are ready to get underway. Chavo and Santino start things off and Chavo gains control early. He takes Santino over with a back suplex for two. Chavo chokes Santino in the middle rope and then hammers away in the corner. Beth chokes out Santino in the corner but Chavo misses a charge. Beth tags herself in but Santino quickly bails to the floor. Mickie comes in and lands a dropkick to the knee and another to the head for a near fall. Beth is distracted by Santino and Mickie rolls Beth up with a crucifix to pick up the win. Mickie & Marella d. Beth & Guerrero when Mickie pins Beth with a crucifix; Grade: .5
– We are immediately joined by Vickie Guerrero, who is wearing the Miss Wrestlemania garb. She congratulates Santino in the victory, but before he picks the stipulation, she wants to say she isn’t worried about it because Chavo will officially be in her corner. Santino has many match ideas in her head, such as the Leaning Tower of Pisa Pepperoni match, the Pasta Primavera on a Pole match and a hog pen match…which is the one he is choosing. He starts oinking and tells Vickie she will be with the pigs. Vickie doesn’t care for that one as Santino mocks her some more. The crowd couldn’t have been more silent for that announcement. Backstage, Show is talking to Miz. Show says that nobody likes Miz but he understands if Miz wants to mix it up with Cena tonight. However, neither Miz nor anybody else is permitted to pin Cena. He will make Cena tap out at Extreme Rules. Show walks away and Miz gets in a dig about Judgment Day. Shows comes back but Miz backs off his comment. Show takes off and we go to break.
– We are back and checking back to earlier tonight for a portion of the McMahon/Kroenke showdown. We then head to the ring for our next match.
4) Goldust & Hornswoggle vs. The Brian Kendrick & Festus
Well, this is an odd tag team. Goldust and Hornswoggle head to the ring as Cole tells us that Primo and Carlito have joined us on commentary. We go back to last week when the Colons defeated Goldust and The Brian Kendrick. Speaking of Kendrick, he has a new partner this week in Festus. Festus is wearing a Clippers jersey, but the consensus is that it wasn’t his doing. The bell sounds and Festus awakens and goes at Goldust. Hornswoggle starts the match and he and Festus stare each other down. Horny dropkicks Kendrick to the floor but he hops back up and calls for the tag. He shoves Horny down and then gets a small package for two. Kendrick kicks him down but Horny lands a DDT off a Kendrick slam attempt. He tags in Goldust, who comes in with an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Kendrick stops the onslaught and heads to his corner where he tags in Festus with a smack to the face. Festus comes charging at Kendrick, but the referee stops him. Goldust takes down Kendrick, Horny drops the tadpole splash and Goldust hits the Final Cut for the win. Goldust & Hornswoggle d. Kendrick & Festus when Goldust pins Kendrick with the Final Cut; Grade: .5
– Kendrick yells at Festus and then hops to the floor and grabs a chair. Festus is back in his catatonic state as Kendrick comes back inside. Kendrick struts around Festus but Primo rings the bell and Festus awakens and chases Kendrick off. Festus flips out in the ring as we go to break.
– We are back and thanking Sick Puppies for “You’re Going Down”, the official Extreme Rules theme song. JR and Cole are at ringside and run down the Extreme Rules card for us. We now get NBA announcer style introductions by a disembodied voice echoing throughout the arena. And Cole tells us that the voice belongs to the Lakers PA announcer.
5) John Cena, Batista, MVP, Jerry Lawler & Mr. Kennedy vs. Randy Orton, Miz, Big Show, Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes
Miz is out first and he is rocking a Nuggets jersey. Ditto for Rhodes, DiBiase, Show and Orton, who all get their own entrances. Show looks massive and uncomfortable in that NBA jersey. Orton just doesn’t look pleased at all. We take a break after the Denver entrances. When we return, the Nuggets are lined up in the ring which is a cool touch. The Lakers are making their way out now and the crowd is digging it. MVP is out first, followed by Lawler, Kennedy, Cena and Batista. Cena looks awesome in the jersey and headband again. Batista is wearing Lakers shorts as well. The jerseys are all personalized too, which is neat. Lawler and Rhodes kick things off and the crowd is rooting for the Lakers, natch. Lawler slips out of a slam attempt and takes Cody down with one of his own. He tags in Batista, who works Cody over in the corner. He follows with a clothesline and a spear in the opposite corner. Batista kicks Cody in the face and then tags in MVP. MVP runs Cody to the corner as the crowd chants for him. MVP ducks on a whip and Cody boots him in the face and then takes him down. He backs MVP into his corner and tags in DiBiase. Ted slugs away but gets back dropped over on a charge. Orton had tagged Ted in the back as he hit the ropes and comes in from behind. Orton snaps him with his inverted backbreaker and then sends him to the floor. Show tosses him back in as we go to break. When we return, Cody has MVP locked in a rear chinlock. MVP breaks it with a jawbreaker but Miz comes in to prevent MVP from tagging. Miz drags MVP back and locks in a chinlock of his own. MVP tries to fight free but Miz hammers away. MVP is able to hit a desperation throw and makes his way over to tag in Kennedy. Kennedy hammers away at Miz and lands a back elbow. Miz whips him into the corner but eats a boot on a charge. Kennedy drills him with a leaping roundhouse kick for two. Kennedy hoists Miz on his shoulders but the Nuggets run a distraction and Priceless yanks Kennedy to the floor. They send Kennedy flying into the security barrier and then toss him back inside. Orton tags in and he slugs away viciously at Kennedy. Orton stomps on the midsection as the crowd calls for Cena. He drops a knee on Kennedy and gets two. Orton tags in Show, who kills Kennedy with a headbutt. He slams Kennedy and drops an elbow for two. Show clubs Kennedy’s back and then chops his chest. Show tags in Rhodes who pounds at Kennedy’s face. He quickly tags in DiBiase. He and Rhodes continue to quick tag and work Kennedy over. Miz gets tagged in and he boots Kennedy in the gut and goes back to the chinlock. Kennedy fires free but Miz runs him back to the corner and tags in DiBiase. Ted gets a near fall and then starts talking some smack before going to the chinlock. DiBiase tags in Orton who comes in with a stomp to the gut for two. Orton grabs a reverse chinlock with a bodyscissors. Orton covers again but Batista breaks up the pin. Orton goes back to the chinlock, but Kennedy takes him over with a back suplex. Orton tags in Rhodes while Kennedy tags in Cena. Cena is all over Rhodes and hits his spinning slam. He points to MVP and tags him in. Cena does the five knuckle shuffle while MVP drops the Ballin Elbow at the same time. MVP nails Rhodes with the Playmaker and picks up the win. Lakers d. Nuggets when MVP pins Rhodes with the Playmaker; Grade: 2
– DiBiase comes in from behind and hits the Dream Street on MVP, Kennedy hits the mic check on DiBiase and Orton takes him out with an RKO. Batista and Cena take Show over with a double suplex and that is that. The Lakers celebrate in the ring as we fade out. I won’t be here next week, but Scottie Drama will be filling in for me. See you in two weeks!
Final Grade: C-
Runner Up: Kofi Kingston
Non MVP: Vince McMahon & Stan Kroenke
Runner Up: The Brian Kendrick
Posted on May 25, 2009, in Justin Rozzero, WWE and tagged Batista, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, Brian Kendrick, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cody Rhodes, Festus, Goldust, Hornswoggle, Jerry Lawler, John Cena, Kelly Kelly, Kofi Kingston, Maryse, Matt Hardy, Mickie James, Mr. Kennedy, MVP, Primo Colon, Randy Orton, Raw, Ric Flair, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase Jr., The Legacy, The Miz, Vickie Guerrero, Vince McMahon, William Regal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.