WWE Raw
March 8, 2010
Portland, OR
Rose Garden

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler.

Guest host: CRISS ANGEL

BONG! Here comes the Undertaker. He stumbles through his lines while the crowd chants “HBK”. If wrestlers are meant to memorize scripts, they need earpieces. Dark clouds have hovered over Shawn Michaels since WrestleMania 25. After WrestleMania, Shawn Michaels’ career will REST…IN…*Hit that ‘Sexy Boy’ theme song* Looks like Shawn has been HUNTIN. After last week, Shawn says his dark cloud was GONE. Shawn had to cost the Undertaker the world title in the elimination chamber, but he cost HBK a match last week when there was nothing on the line…because he’s SKEERED. OH NO HE DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT. Shawn says that the reason Undertaker had him put his career on the line is to intimidate Shawn – because he knows how close Shawn came to ending his streak last year. Undertaker wonders if he is looking at a man with supreme confidence or a man full of pitiful desperation. OH SNAP. To prove that he’s not desperate just to beat the Undertaker, Shawn proposes their match become a NO-DQ match at WrestleMania. Undertaker says he will take it to that level if that’s what Shawn wants, but he has chosen his own demise. Make no mistake, at WrestleMania the Undertaker will open up the GATES OF HELL to make sure that the career of Shawn Michaels will be over. Shawn leaves with the last word saying that after WrestleMania, that dark cloud will be hanging over the Undertaker because the streak will be over thanks to Shawn Michaels. And now the roles are established!

• Maryse, Alicia Fox, & Katie Lea vs. Eve, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim

Gail Kim starts owning everybody to start until she runs into a boot from Alicia for Maryse to come in and take over. Billy Robinson backbreaker gets two. Lawler makes a joke about living in Kelly Kelly’s house until she found out he was there. Now he’s turned from a PUPPIES freak into a creepy stalker? Eve tags in and dropkicks Maryse for two. Running flip splash (EDUOARD CARPENTIER~!) hits on Maryse for another nearfall on the Divas champ. Katie Lea and Alicia break it up, but Gail Kim and KK send them out with STEREO DROPKICKS! They follow them out on the floor, which leaves Eve to put Maryse away with the flying armbar! (4:01) That was kind of a great finish…for a diva. ¾*

Criss Angel is hanging out with Hornswoggle in the back. The darn Bella Twins interrupt and want to see a magic trick. If he makes bread come out his ear, I will just DIE. Anyways, he makes some piece of thread come out his eye from through his mouth. Jillian wants to introduce Criss Angel with a song, but no. Angel makes her lose her voice. Now THAT’S a magic trick! HAHAHAHAHHHAA! Just kidding.

Out come the Unified tag champs Show-Miz. Miz compares their WrestleMania opponents John Morrison and R-Truth to Lex Luger and Davey Boy Smith who were at WrestleMania 11. I’m confused – they didn’t wrestle the tag champs at WrestleMania 11. Miz says he would rather face the Bushwhackers because at least they are an actual team. Shame on you, WWE, for giving them lame opponents.

• WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Big Show & Miz vs. John Morrison & R-Truth – non-title match

Man I hate R-Truth. I just want to punch him in the face for being so obnoxious all the time. Cole lists a few names for the Truth-Morrison team: Dis N Dat, Two Times What, Black Magic and the White Shadow, Rock N Rap, Truth & Wisdom. None of those are knocking Lawler’s socks off though. Anyways, Morrison and Truth clean house and deliver STEREO BASEBALL SLIDES on Miz. Show takes a double DDT on the floor! Miz receives a double front suplex onto the guardrail. Back in, Morrison cuts a promo on Miz about being the real deal. Then R-Truth says some stuff I’d rather not repeat. And then the match just ends? (:36) Well I guess they proved their point. No rating.

Cena-Batista recap video is shown.

In the back, Josh Matthews gets a word with John Cena. He’s never beaten Batista before, but he believes he will at WrestleMania. Does he anticipate Batista interfering in his match tonight? He doesn’t anticipate, he counts on it.

Over in Criss Angel’s lair, the NXT rookie Skip Sheffield interrupts Evan Bourne’s moment with Criss Angel. Sheffield’s mentor William Regal comes by and shoos Bourne away. Anyways, Sheffield wants an autograph, but Regal thinks Angel is an idiot. So Angel does a magic trick. He writes a number down and Criss Angel mind rapes Regal. Of course he picks the number Regal wrote down. Skip Sheffield, being the idiot that he is, demands a Travis Tritt CD from Regal. DARN YOU CRISS ANGEL!

They show a clip of Ted DiBiase laying out everybody in the Elimination Chamber match with a lead pipe.

• Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes – Handicap Match

Orton comes up from behind and beats them both to the ring during their entrance as we go to commercial. We return and Orton has NO problem with either Legacy member until he runs into an elbow in the corner by Rhodes. DiBiase catches Orton as he staggers into their corner. Orton backdrops Rhodes out and keeps his eye on DiBiase as we take another commercial break. When we come back, Orton fights out of the Legacy corner and nails Rhodes with a clothesline. Finally, Orton gets pulled out and given a dropkick by DiBiase. Back in, Orton fights out of a chinlock, but gets run down with a clothesline by DiBiase for two. Dropkick by Rhodes gets two. As Legacy continues to work him over, Orton ducks a corner charge from Rhodes and runs down DiBiase with a clothesline. Orton goes POWERSLAM CRAZY and then drops DiBiase with the neckbreaker over the back. He starts to slither to set up the RKO, but Rhodes interferes. Orton kicks him away, but that allows DiBiase to come up from behind with the DREAM STREET for the 1-2-3. (8:58 shown) Finally, the Legacy one-ups Randy Orton. It’s about time. Afterwards, Cody Rhodes adds his exclamation point with CROSS RHODES. **

Meanwhile, Josh Matthews gets a word with Batista. He enjoys making Cena a little paranoid.

Triple H comes out to confront Sheamus for his brutal attack last week. From all that happened, HHH doesn’t blame Sheamus at all for what he did considering all that HHH did to him in the Elimination Chamber. Sheamus interrupts and challenges Triple H at WrestleMania. HHH congratulates Sheamus for his big year in 2009, but he knows Sheamus has never been to WrestleMania. He reminds Sheamus that at Triple H’s first WrestleMania match, he got CRUSHED into a pit of obscurity until he became ‘the guy’ in WWE. The ones who have beaten Triple H at WrestleMania have gone on to great success – ask John Cena, ask Batista, ask Chris Ben-wait, nevermind. Those who have lost to Triple H at WrestleMania have gone into that pit of obscurity because of him. HHH informs Sheamus that before he takes the gamble of defeating or losing to Triple H at WrestleMania, he better think twice. They come to blows which obviously means he still wants HHH at WrestleMania. They brawl in and out of the ring, but the AA spinebuster is what sends Sheamus running for the exit sign.

Back to Criss Angel, Santino Marella stops by to talk magic and Ralph Macchio. He shows Angel the detached thumb trick. Criss Angel has Santino arrange the cup game except there is a KNIFE sitting up under one of the cups. Criss puts his hand over the cups and starts smashing the foam cups one by one until he finds the cup with the knife under it.

• William Regal (w/Skip Sheffield) vs. Evan Bourne – ‘Money in the Bank’ Qualifier

Christian and his protégé Heath Slater are on commentary. Well, Christian gets a headset, but Slater just stands there wandering where he is. They knock each other around for a while, but naturally Regal is the stronger of the two and wins that battle. Butterfly suplex is followed by a t-bone suplex. Regal tries the Running Knee, but Bourne catches him charging with a Jumping Knee and hits AIR BOURNE for the win. (1:28) So Bourne is your final entrant into the Money in the Bank ladder match.

Next week, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN will be the guest host of Monday Night Raw. Take THAT, TNA!

They run down the WrestleMania 26 card.

• WWE Champion Batista vs. John Cena
• World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho vs. Edge
• Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker – No DQ Career vs. Streak
• Triple H vs. Sheamus
• WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Show Miz vs. John Morrison & R-Truth
• ‘Money in the Bank’ Ladder Match
• Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon

That sets up a Bret-Vince video package.

Shawn Michaels: My Journey DVD set gets a plug.

Also planned for next week, it will be WrestleMania Rewind night! One of the matches will be John Cena meets Big Show in a rematch from WrestleMania 20, the World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho battles Shawn Michaels in a rematch from WrestleMania 19, and Triple H takes on Randy Orton in a rematch from WrestleMania 25! Plus, the Bret-Vince contract signing will take place, which will be presided over by Stone Cold Steve Austin himself. Holy crap. TNA doesn’t even stand a chance.

Criss Angel comes out to be the special guest ring announcer.

• Vince McMahon vs. John Cena – No DQ Handicap Gauntlet Match

So basically the rules are that Vince gets to stay, but another wrestler joins McMahon every time the one in the ring leaves. Vladimir Kozlov is the first to join Mr. McMahon. He powerslams and headbutts and gives Cena a spinebuster before tagging McMahon in for 1-2-NO! Out goes Vladimir.

In comes Drew McIntyre to beat Cena up some more. Scot Drop connects, but Vince still only gets a nearfall.

Jack Swagger runs out and we go to commercial. When we return, John Cena is looking for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and connects. Attitude Adjustment fails as Swagger powers out and delivers the OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE. He really needs to watch some Steve Williams matches if he’s going to keep doing that. A pair of pump splashes still only gets a two count for McMahon.

Mark Henry is the next guy out. Even though he’s a babyface, Mr. McMahon is the boss. WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM only gets another nearfall. Now Mr. McMahon is angry. He changes the rules to no-DQ and brings the ring bell into the ring. He hands it to Mark Henry, but he doesn’t want to hurt John Cena. Since he won’t comply, Batista runs out and spears Henry and kicks him out of the ring! Kofi Kingston’s music hits and he’s all over Batista, but then gets caught with a powerbomb. So much for that, Cena clotheslines Batista down and corners McMahon who gets rid of the ring bell. He tries to level with Cena, but then gets hoisted up for the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, but Batista saves his boss with the spear. BATISTA BOMB to Cena! Remember there’s a match still going on. Vince covers Cena for the 1-2-3. (7:57 shown) Even in this moment, Vince decides to mock Bret Hart while Batista stares at Cena while he’s laying on the mat. And as Vince exits the ring, Batista stands over John Cena victorious and lets out this battle cry. Pretty awesome. Forget about Cena kicking out of everybody’s finishers, the important thing is that he didn’t kick out of Batista’s finisher. I got to say that I’m digging the Batista-Cena feud right now the most.

Final Thoughts: Raw is just trucking right along. They didn’t do anything amazing tonight and certainly didn’t set the world on fire with anything major, but what they did do at least made sense. I mean what happened on TNA Impact last night was the exact opposite. They tried too hard to make an *impact* with surprises and ratings tricks, that they ended up booking themselves to the point where nothing made any sense at all. I don’t want to turn this into a rant on TNA on a WWE post, but you have Sting turn heel and thirty minutes later, Dixie Carter has RVD all ready to go and then you have him beat Sting in 20 seconds? Why not say you’ll have an opponent ready for next week? Then RVD gets beat with a baseball bat to the point he should have seriously been coughing up blood? WHAT. Okay, enough said. That’s just one of many things that bugged me about last night. Overall, I’m sorry TNA fans but Raw wins again at least for now in the “Monday Night Wars: Part II”.