Impact Wrestling
September 15, 2011
Orlando, FL
The Impact Zone
(taped on 9/13/11)

The current TNA champs are as follows:
World Champion: Kurt Angle (8/7/2011)
World Tag Team Champions: Mexican America (8/18/2011)
X-Division Champion: Austin Aries (9/11/2011)
Television Champion: Eric Young (5/26/2011)
Knockouts Champion: Winter (9/11/2011)
Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Brooke Tessmacher & Tara (7/21/2011)

It’s still TNA iMPACT! to me, folks. This will be the only TNA review from 2011 that I will do, so don’t get excited, you one TNA fan there. Unless they do Sting v. Flair XXXVII! That will be the one to finally settle the score!

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Matt, why are you doing this to yourself? You should maybe talk with my therapist. He’s really good.” Well, as a long-time fan of the Stinger and the NATCHA BOY, I thought I would recap this show just for the sake of me feeling a little complete in seeing nearly every televised match they have had with each other over the past 20-something years, which leads me to another recap coming soon of the COMPLETE Sting v. Flair collection. It’s just the one-on-one stuff, people. Let’s be realistic. But you read that correctly. It is coming soon. And I’m not doing it because their matches are really any different from each other, but just because I’m such a mark for those guys. Apparently, so are the people in TNA because this match – if we are all honest with ourselves – should not be happening on cable TV in 2011.

Your hosts are a 57 year-old wrestling nerd and his wingman: the brown gnome who wears extremely dark sunglasses indoors as if IMPACT WRESTLING’s pyro included atomic bomb testing.

They show a nice montage of No Surrender from last Sunday with stills and video intermixed. Bobby Roode beats both Gunner and Bully Ray in the same night to win the BFG series for a TNA world title shot. It’s not Chris Jericho at Vengeance 2001, but it’s something. Let’s just hope they pay it off correctly. Bobby Roode is one of the good ones. Oh, and Hulk Hogan helped Kurt Angle retain the TNA world title over Heath Ledger. Angle really believes Hogan in looking out for his best interests. It’s funny because he’s had a near 35 year long career that proves otherwise virtually every day. So nine matches on the card, only three that mattered. Hey at least back in 1997, WCW would give you stills from every match.

Here comes the NATCHA BOY! He calls out Sting, who obliges. Tonight, it’s going to be Sting v. GOD. If Flair beats Sting, he goes home. If Sting beats him, Sting gets Hulk Hogan at Bound for Glory. Over Flair’s dead body, Sting. Oh really? Well then Sting reckons Ric Flair is going to die tonight. Of course Sting is super-psyched and wants to wrestle Flair right now, but Flair wants to tape up his fingers first because there’s going to be blood tonight. UGH! Why does he have to say things like that? Before anything can happen, here comes securrrity and Ric Flair bails to the back while Sting yells things from inside the ring. Pretty meaningless segment if you’re already a TNA fan because you already know what the main event is. If you’re an old fan of Sting and Ric Flair that no longer watches wrestling and you happen to flip by, you probably still don’t want to REALLY sit through two hours of TNA to see something that was cool over twenty years ago. It would be like trying to be cool and hip by talking to your friends about an episode of Cheers.

OMG! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Jeff Hardy is in the building.

After the break, Jeff explains that he’s glad to be back, but he’s going to have to prove himself worthy of competing in TNA because nobody knows what he’s been up to since he was a mess of a human being at Victory Road back in March 2011.

• Mexican America, Sarita & Rosita vs. Devon, The Pope, Brooke Tessmacher & Tara
  

Ha, it’s Team Future Endeavored by WWE v. Team Who? I keed. I do like Hernandez, but I’m not really sure who these other cats are. Look, it’s Devon’s two sons in the front row. And WHOA! A lesbian tag team? Brooke is quite attractive, which is an understatement. Devon grabs a headlock on Hernandez while they shill upcoming TNA dates. Hernandez won’t go down to a regular shoulderblock, but a Road Warrior Animal shoulderblock does the trick. The chicks come in to cause a squabble, which distracts Devon. Tag to Homicide’s replacement (which is okay since he’s not Mexican). Pope tags in as well and goes ATOMIC DROP CRAZY leading to a Sting face slam. Then he goes all Dusty Rhodes on him with elbows and the Flip Flop and Fly. The women interfere again and Pope becomes *your* face-in-peril for a nice combo from the Mexicans. Avalanche, corner launch, and a bulldog gets two. Pope hits a flying forearm to come back and hot tags Devon. Neckbreaker gets two and the match breaks down leading to the Two Black Dudes cleaning house. The Mexican senoritas try to kick them in the nuts, but their kicks gets caught even though they had their backs turned. Tara and Brooke give chase until the ref intercepts. Meanwhile, Sarita and Rosita try and flirt with Devon’s boys who look like twins. Of course, that distracts Pope and Devon. They come back with shoulderblocks on Mexican America, but here comes Sarita and Rosita to jump on their backs. They get flipped over onto the mat. In comes Tara and Brooke with STEREO SPEARS! Out goes Mexican America, Tara and Brooke hit their finishers for the STEREO PIN! (4:58) Standard tag stuff. *

In the back, Karen Jarrett is admiring a picture of herself when Traci walks into her office. She calls Traci a five-dollar whore and tells her to bring all the Knockouts to her. You’ve got five minutes.

When we come back, all the Knockouts are in Karen’s office. She makes a Queen’s Qualifier tournament which means three qualifying matches over the next three weeks. The winners will be put into a four-way with the Knockouts champ Winter at Bound for Glory. NOW GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE. As everyone leaves, Madison Rayne continues to suck up to the Queen.

To the ring, Fortune is in the ring – all except Bobby Roode who gets introduced by AJ Styles as the number one contender to the TNA world title. He embraces everyone, but there seems to be something strange going on between he and James Storm. Remember that it was James Storm who lost to Bully Ray at No Surrender via DQ meaning he was never pinned or made to submit in the BFG series and would have faced Roode in the finals. AJ Styles calls Roode the next world champ. Then Christopher Daniels gets on the mic and congratulates Roode for winning the BFG series while interjecting how he just beat AJ Styles – a former world champ – a few weeks ago in his speech. Now it’s Kazarian’s turn. Last but not least, James Storm gets on the mic. He reminds Roode of how far they have come and all they have been through over the years. He wishes he could have won the BFG series, but he’s at least glad it was Roode who won and not somebody else. Hey Angle, sorry about your darn luck. Kurt Angle interrupts and congratulates Roode for winning the BFG series – regardless of the fact he had an injury. It’s not winning the Olympics with a BROKEN FREAKIN NECK, but it’s something! Anyways, Angle comes out to stir the pot saying that everyone in Fortune wishes they were in Roode’s place right now. Somebody in this group has to be jealous of him. To work on that jealousy angle and since Kurt has the power of Immortal behind him, he makes a match every week on IMPACT where Bobby Roode will be taking on a member of Fortune leading into Bound for Glory. If anybody lays down for Roode, they will be put at the bottom of the TNA roster and will have to start all over again. After Bound for Glory and the Angle v. Roode title match is over, then everyone in Fortune will be at the echelon of the TNA world title scene. The choice is yours! This week, Roode faces Kazarian. Okay, I actually liked this segment.

• Angelina Love (w/Winter) vs. Velvet Sky – Queen’s Qualifier
  

Love interrupts Sky’s rump shaking on the apron and attacks her on the floor. Can anyone explain me why Velvet Sky has pigeons on or in her tooshie? And why does Angelina Love look like Christian Aguilera at her LEAST attractive? Time for commercials. And the domination continues from Love when we return. Sky jawbreakers out of a chinlock, but gets tripped up by Winter – the new Knockouts champ. She tries to interfere again leading a near collision with Angelina Love, but she puts on the brakes. Here comes Velvet! Angelina rakes the face and holds her for a belt shot from Winter, but Velvet moves and Angelina eats the Knockouts title. Leg swing DDT gets the 1-2-3. (4:53 shown) Dang. Lots of time here for the Divas. *½

To the back! Jeff Hardy goes up to AJ Styles apparently to apologize when AJ tells him what all the wrestlers collectively seemed to feel back in March. AJ has been in TNA since day one and is slowly killing himself for this company while Jeff Hardy comes in and gets all these opportunities only to make IMPACT WRESTLING look retarded. To be fair AJ, Vince Russo is still in your company. In other words Jeff, don’t ever come and talk to AJ Styles when you want to make things right.

Another commercial break. Backstage, Hulk Hogan tells Ric Flair that he’s got a plan B when Joker Sting walks up behind them trying to sell the Stinger Plan. He goes through Ric Flair and then he’s going through Hulk Hogan. Ta-ta for now? ALLLLRIGHTY THEN. Is Sting doing Jim Carrey now too? Hulk tells Ric to forget what just happened and they walk off together to discuss plan B.

So that we don’t have to have as much wrestling on the show, let’s go to Crimson LIVE (for them, not for us) via satellite. Dude looks like a roided-up Christian. Why is there bad blood between he and Joe? He doesn’t really know. However, Joe made it personal when he took Crimson out of the BFG series and there will be payback. He’ll return in two weeks!

• Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan – Submission Match
  

Two weeks ago on IMPACT WRESTLING, Joe kicked Morgan in the nuts leading to a match at No Surrender where Morgan won. Now we’re getting a submission match. Does Morgan even know any holds? It’s another interrupted entrance as Joe jumps the gun on Morgan. He comes back with slaps and elbows in the corner, followed by a butt-butt. Joe sweeps the legs to take control and tries a rear naked choke, but Morgan reaches the ropes. Morgan makes another comeback and delivers a Juvi Driver so he can apply an armbar choke of sorts. Clearly he’s out of his element. Joe finds the ropes and avoids both the CARBON FOOT PRINT and the CHOKESLAM. Not sure what move that was, but he drops on his butt with Morgan over his shoulder and applies a heel hook for the submission. (4:29) Morgan didn’t have a chance, which hurt the match for me. ¾*

Kurt Angle confronts Kazarian in the back. Kaz doesn’t seem happy about this match with Bobby Roode. More pot-stirring by Kurt.

Elsewhere, Jeff Hardy speaks with Devon. He won’t turn his back on Jeff, he’ll just throw his head through a wall. If Jeff screws this time, it will be over. Boy, heavy day at the office for Jeff.

• Kazarian vs. Bobby Roode
  

Feeling out sequence to start leads to a stalemate. Kaz misses a springboard legdrop and tries a springboard DDT, but Roode blocks into a Northern Lights suplex for two. Roode NO-SELLS some forearm smashes and cleans house on Kaz. They get into a little argument and Kaz BLASTS Roode with a forearm smash, which he sells this time. Back in, Kaz hits a slingshot legdrop for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. There’s a chinlock, but Roode fights out and delivers a BAAAACK BODY DROP. Buff Blockbuster connects for two. Kaz wants FADE TO BLACK, but Roode slips out and drops Kaz down into the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE for the submission. (6:12) Hmm, match of the night as Roode looks good. In the back watching on a monitor, Angle doesn’t look very happy about it. Kaz and Roode embrace afterwards to show that there’s no hard feelings. **

Clips of Warrior including Kurt Angle are shown. I tried to go see it last night, but it was SOULED OUT.

Backstage, Kazarian and Bobby Roode continue the love.

Take out your cellular devices and tell your friends that Austin Aries will be defending the X-Division for the first time next week on IMPACT WRESTLING!

Also, Bobby Roode faces Christopher Daniels, Mickie James meets Brooke Tessmacher in the Queen’s Qualifier, and Bully Ray teams with Jerry Lynn to take on Mr. Anderson & RVD.

In the back, Jerry Lynn and Bully Ray talk about how sick they are of Mr. Anderson and RVD to hype their match next week. Lynn as a heel to me is just plain silly. He’s like five foot six and *sounds* like a babyface.

• Sting vs. Ric Flair
  

As we said earlier, if Sting wins then he gets Hogan. If Flair wins, then Sting has to RETIRE. Now let’s see. Sting reinvents himself again to become Jim Carrey if he had played the Joker in a 1990s Batman movie retiring, or Flair losing – again. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN? Headlocks and hammerlocks to start. Commercials! And we’re back. Sting slams Flair off the top and we’re on the floor. Sting NO-SELLS a whip into the guardrail and runs Flair down. Back in, Flair begs off into a corner. He takes a barrage of punches so he can low blow Sting. He’s right back up though with a ten-count corner punch. The Stinger Splash misses and Flair chopblocks the knee. He doesn’t Sting to school tonight and just goes for the FIGURE-FOUR. Sting eventually reverses the hold, but the damage is done. Chops begin, but Sting NO-SELLS. They head to the corner where Sting brings Flair down with a top-rope superplex. Immortal hits the ring to take out Sting, but he stands tall and cleans house. While Sting locks eyes with Hogan, Bully Ray appears with a chain in-hand to nail Sting. Oh, but here comes Mr. Anderson with a chair to scare him away. During all the craziness, Hogan hands Flair some brass knux. As Sting back walks over to Flair, he gets POPPED in the face. WOO! Classic Flair. Cover, 1-2-NO! More chops that Sting NO-SELLS. Stinger Splash and the Flair Flop looks terrible. Sting picks up the brass knux that apparently fell out of Flair’s tights. SCORPION DEATHLOCK finishes the match. (11:00 shown) If this is going to be happening in 2011, it should be happening at your local armory where you pay $10 a pop and not on cable. Sting and Hogan exchange looks as we go off the air. Of course it’s nostalgic, but terrible apart from that. *½

If this show had no Hogan, no Flair, and no Sting, it wouldn’t be quite so bad. This Fortune angle looks to be the best thing they have going on right now.