WWE: SummerSlam
August 17, 2014
Los Angeles, CA
Staples Center

The current WWE champs are as follows:
WWE World Heavyweight Champion: John Cena (6/29/2014)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: The Miz (7/20/2014)
WWE U.S. Champion: Sheamus (5/5/2014)
WWE Divas Champion: AJ Lee (6/30/2014)
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Usos (3/3/2014)

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler. So there’s a German announce table set up now. There’s FOUR of them. Weird. I’m sure there’s some explanation though.

Hulk Hogan comes out and welcomes us to the show. If you don’t buy the WWE Network for $9.99, Hulkamania just might run wild and force you to watch his sex tape Clockwork Orange-style, brothers.

• WWE Intercontinental Champion The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler
  
  

Miz is wearing a chef’s coat to the ring now. Ziggler tries for the quick pin to start, which sends Miz running. Ziggler drills the money maker with a clothesline. Back inside, Miz reverses a whip and sends Ziggler in the corner for the Bret Hart bump. Miz wears down Ziggler with a chinlock and hits his signature corner clothesline. Ziggler fights back and delivers the Stinger Splash and the swinging neckbreaker. Miz tosses out Ziggler, but he SKINS THE CAT back inside. Miz ducks the superkick and nearly gets pinned out of a rollup. Figure-Four gets kicked away. As Miz stands up, Ziggler catches the money maker with a right hand and a superkick. Cover, 1-2-NO! Miz wants to take his title and go home, but Ziggler has other plans. Back in through the ropes, Miz kicks the ropes into Ziggler’s dick. FIGURE-FOUR. Miz does a pretty good job making the hold look as painful as possible. Ziggler never reverses it over like in every Ric Flair match in the ’90s. He makes the ropes though and tries the Famouser only for Miz to counter to the SKULL CRUSHING FINALE! Cover, 1-2-NO! Miz goes for the running boot, but misses and gets caught in the ZIG ZAG! Dolph covers and gets the win to secure his second IC title. (7:52) Kind of surprising that this is only his second IC title. I would have thought he would have been at least a four-time IC champ by now. Anyways, this was like a main event for Tuesday nights. The “money maker” aspect to his gimmick could have worked better if Miz wasn’t such an ineffective cowardly heel. If he was taken more seriously and beat the crap out of someone who tried to hit him in the face, then when he did get hit in the face would seem more important. But I digress. Harmless match and a nice reward Ziggler for the past year of doing jobs for others. **½

In the back, Brie Bella is going to take out the She-Beast tonight, because that’s what is best for business.

• WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Paige

Paige wants a handshake to start. Crazy chicks don’t shake hands, they BITE HANDS and PULL OUT YOUR HAIR EXTENSIONS. Any chance these two will have a cage match? They get pretty rough with each other. No doubt about it. AJ slams Paige’s face off the table and kicks her in the face, but then Paige gives her the receipt by bouncing her face off the barricade. Back inside, Paige starts to sexfully crawl over AJ. And wouldn’t you know it, Lawler stops looking at the monitor and his head pops up to watch it IRL. Paige starts to headbutt the crap out of AJ and PULLS OUT ONE OF AJ’S HAIR EXTENSIONS. This would be more effective if we didn’t know about such a reality. It’s like when Mankind was yanking out his own hair, but we believe that a guy like Mankind wouldn’t wear hair extensions. Understand the difference? They fight up on the top rope and Paige finally gets shoved down. AJ flies down from the top and clotheslines Paige. Back in, a running kick to the face of Paige gets two. Paige superkicks AJ back and goes for the PAIGE TURNER, but AJ counters to the BLACK WIDOW, so Paige counters back around to the KNIGHT LIGHT (187 or the cradle DDT) for the win and regains the Divas title. (4:57) Much improved over their Battleground match. They beat the heck out of each other (for WWE Divas, that is), took some different risks, and had a great finish. I dug it. ***

• Flag Match: Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Colter) vs. Rusev (w/Lana)
  

This has gone from being a traditional flag match to just letting the winner have their flag hang from the ceiling Sunny poster-style. Like a good heel, Rusev attacks Swagger before the match, but then gets caught in the PATRIOT LOCK. Unfortunately, the match hadn’t started yet. Swagger avalanches Rusev in the corner and works over the ankle. Swagger Bomb hits knees though. Ahh, should have worked the knee too, Jack. Standing on one good leg, Rusev knees and stomps Swagger’s injured ribs. Swagger tries fighting out of a bearhug with a belly to belly suplex. He can’t pull it off IMMEDIATELY after breaking the hold, but give him a minute and he throws Rusev over. That’s pretty awesome. Even though his ribs are killing him, he connects with the Swagger Bomb for two. Rusev escapes the PATRIOT LOCK, but takes a powerslam as Swagger gets two again. Rusev kicks Swagger away and calls for the ACCOLADE. His bad leg gives out and he’s forced to lock in the Sheik camel clutch. Swagger flips him around into another PATRIOT LOCK, but Rusev punches him away and delivers a spinning heel kick. Rusev delivers a jumping splash and as much as it pains him to do so, he locks in the full ACCOLADE until Swagger passes out from the pain. (8:55) The best match they have had by far with excellent storytelling. I love it when they factor in body psychology as the match progresses. Most of the time they just forget to sell and get in their stuff, but these two got in their stuff AND sold masterfully. Afterwards, Lana gloats and Rusev kicks Zeb Colter. JBL – “That’s a grandfather you just kicked!” The Russian national anthem plays while the gigantic Russian flag gets raised. Yeah, it’s the same song from Rocky IV, you guys. ***½

• Lumberjack Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
  

So the gripe about this match is: why didn’t Ambrose choose a better gimmick than a lumberjack match? To those people I say, what’s wrong with a lumberjack match? Every feud doesn’t have to involve a cage match and this way Rollins can’t conceivably get away from Ambrose. My only gripe would be why he didn’t force Rollins to put the briefcase on the line, but you could argue that he doesn’t care about the briefcase and only wants to destroy Seth Rollins. Look, there’s more than one way to book a show. We’ve seen enough cage matches already, don’t you think? When was the last time we really saw a lumberjack match? That’s old school, it serves its purpose, and I’m fine with it.

Anyways, the lumberjacks include (courtesy of Wikipedia) a hodgepodge of tag champions, midcarders, and nobodies: Big E, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, Curtis Axel, Damien Sandow, Erick Rowan, Fandango, Goldust, Heath Slater, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Kofi Kingston, Luke Harper, R-Truth, Rob Van Dam, Ryback, Sin Cara, Stardust, The Great Khali, and Titus O’Neil. Ambrose wins a slugfest, stomps a mudhole, and walks it dry. He rips and gouges at Rollins face as well. They take advantage of the stipulation a bit tossing each other to the outside. Rollins controls for a little bit doing the same thing to Ambrose that was done to him. Over to the apron, Ambrose counters a suplex and takes Rollins over on top of the lumberjacks. Just awesome. Rollins finds himself over the guardrail, but Ambrose gets put back inside the ring. Because he can, Ambrose takes out a bunch more lumberjacks with a tope suicida and then jumps from the announce table and over the barricade onto Rollins. He has BROKEN THROUGH. They brawl into the crowd and fight up to the mezzanine where they tease doing horrible things to each other. Hey look, it’s DOO Kane. Some lumberjacks try and restore order up in the stands. Sin Cara tries to grab Rollins, but he’s about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop. As Rollins nearly makes his escape towards the stage, the Usos, Stardust, and Big E are there to grab him. All the babyfaces carry Rollins back to ringside where Ambrose is now. He comes off the top rope and flies down on top of the whole gang. I’m surprised Ambrose is able to mimic the “hand gun to the head” thing, but he does and calls for DIRTY DEEDS. Rollins shoves him away, but stands up and gets nailed with the McGuinness Lariat to turn him inside out for 1-2-NO! To really add insult to injury, Ambrose hits him with the CURB STOMP. Cover, but DOO Kane interrupts the pin. Of course! Goldust jumps in and gets in Kane’s face, but he’s instantly punched down, which triggers a giant brawl with all the lumberjacks. CHAOS ENSUES. As everybody clears out ending with Ambrose taking care of Rowan and Harper, Rollins runs in and drills Ambrose in the face with the MITB briefcase for the 1-2-3. (10:52) Well, that was heated. Clearly the crowd favorite from the Shield is Dean Ambrose and I think they are making a huge mistake with Roman Reigns. ***¾

• Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt
  

Harper and Rowan will be banned from being a part of this match. Jericho is confident to start beating Bray in and out of the ring. Flying bodypress gets two. Jericho heads up again, but Bray shoves him down to the floor. He hits his hip funny on the side of the ring going down. We get some ringside violence with Wyatt in control. He delivers the Foley running knee into Jericho’s head up against the steps. Back inside, Wyatt takes a moment to conduct a song. You could call him the Maestro, but we wouldn’t want to confuse him with this guy. On the opposite side of the ring, Wyatt avalanches Jericho’s head into the ringpost, which should knock out any other average man. BUT JERICHO IS NO AVERAGE MAN. Jericho fights back with the enziguri, but takes a clothesline and receives the running senton for two. He avoids the avalanche, but Wyatt makes him pay with the Uranage for another nearfall. Finisher attempts are exchanged. Wyatt takes him over to the apron and drops him with a DDT. Back inside, Jericho stops Wyatt up top for the headscissors, but only gets two. Bray starts doing the crab walk to freak out Jericho. He then sits up and talks like a crazy person. CODEBREAKER connects anyways, but Bray’s foot is under the bottom rope. Well, kind of. Wyatt baits Jericho to the floor and gives him SISTER ABIGAIL into the barricade. He brings him back in for one more and gets the win. (12:58) This is the problem you run into with banning Rowan and Harper from ringside. With them at ringside, Wyatt loses. Without them, he wins. So what does that say about their alliance? He’s better off without them. I think they booked this backwards. Jericho should have LOST the Battleground match and WON the SummerSlam match. That’s the traditional way to book it anyways. This is about what you would expect from these two. ***

• Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon
  

They have Stephanie LOOKING like a WWE Diva tonight. Hey look, it’s Ronda Rousey in the audience. Now there’s someone who could destroy everybody in WWE. Stephanie overpowers Brie to start, but takes a couple armdrags. She then goes back to beating up Brie. She even mocks the YES chant, but then wanders into a YES LOCK from Brie. Steph bails to the floor and sees Brie trying a tope suicida, but elbows her in the face. Back in, Stephanie drops Brie with a DDT for 1-2-NO! Stephanie curses at Brie and then gives her the Curt Hennig neck snap. She steps on Brie’s back and pulls back on her arms for a while. Brie comes back with a Thesz press and kicks Stephanie in the corner to some YES chants. Missile dropkick gets two. Now that Stephanie is somewhat in trouble, here comes COOHHH. Nikki Bella isn’t too far behind him. PEDIGREE gets countered to the YES LOCK on Steph. Before Stephanie can tap, Hunter yanks out the ref. Brie baseball slides into HHH, and he sells it like it was Shawn Michaels. Nikki and Brie then look to double-team Stephanie, but then Nikki shoves Stephanie out of the way and elbows her sister in the face. It doesn’t look like she wanted to do that. PEDIGREE to Brie. That’ll do. (11:06) The crowd was actually really hot for everything here. Really not a bad match considering the opponents because it could have been a lot worse, but it was standard sports entertainment booking besides that. **

• Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton
  

I can’t believe they are going to Randy Orton to try and make Roman Reigns. Orton is on the defense to start. He finally gets his chance to turn the tide with a whip into the stairs. Back in, he relies on the chinlock. Over to the corner, a HUGE superplex to Reigns gets two. Back to the chinlock. Reigns counters him and grabs the chinlock as well, but looks super awkward doing it. Back to the chinlock. Reigns yanks Orton into the Samoan Drop. He wins a slugfest and delivers the Jumping Clothesline. After a corner clothesline, Orton slumps onto the bottom rope allowing the sliding dropkick on the apron. Out to the floor, we get a David Arquette sighting. Reigns takes a dive into the barricade, but Orton only gets two. Instead of the barricade backbreaker though, Orton delivers the announce table backbreaker and then whips Reigns into the steps again. Back inside, Reigns meets Orton up top and gives him a SUPER Samoan Drop. Cover, 1-2-NO! Superman Punch connects! Time for the SPEAR, but Orton counters with a powerslam. Draping DDT sets up the RKO, but Reigns shoves him away. He’s looking for the SPEAR again, but Orton counters *that* with the RKO for 1-2-NO! I guess he’s going to have to punt Reigns in the head. Reigns sweeps the kick and catches Orton with the SPEAR after all for the 1-2-3. (16:20) The crowd seemed more responsive to Orton’s comeback than what Reigns was doing. That’s what happens when you expect Orton to be able to make anybody because he has never had that ability. He’s always been in good matches with the guy who could work better than him. After twelve years in WWE, I have him down for four singles matches that went over four snowflakes: Foley in 2004, Benoit in 2006, HBK in 2007, and Christian in 2011. As for Reigns who is similar to Goldberg, I think it will take a real talent to get him to be able to get an awesome 15-20 minutes. ***

• WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman)
  

With that red shirt and hat, Cena is a mustache and a pair of overalls away from looking like Mario. Cena jumps on Brock and they trade some punches on and off the mat. Brock looks to cool down Cena quick with an F-5, but only gets two. Lesnar gets DANGEROUS with these release German suplexes. It’s just suplex after suplex. Much like Sting against Vader in 1992, Cena gets these random bursts of energy and gets in his shots, but Lesnar puts him down with knees. More suplexes from Lesnar. It’s around seven at this point. Once again Cena gets a burst of energy. He even counters the F-5 and delivers the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT! Cover, 1-2-NO! In an awesome bit, Lesnar does the zombie situp to mess with Cena. More German suplexes from him. He’s trying to win via TKO, but CENA NEVER GIVES UP. Cena applies a random STF, but Lesnar slips out and pounds away on Cena. That’s it. Lesnar is done trying to win with a knockout and again drills Cena with an F-5 for the win and the championship. (16:07) He’s ended the Undertaker’s WrestleMania win streak, he’s made John Cena his property and then threw him out into the garbage, so who now can save the WWE from this monster? As Alexander the Great presumably once said, “There are no more worlds to conquer.” That same can be true for Brock Lesnar. If it is anybody from the Attitude Era, I just might cry. ***¼

Final Thoughts: Highly entertaining show as business might actually pick up now. Let’s hope this WrestleMania slump ends right here. Nothing out-of-the-park great, but enough here to keep us all fat and giggly for three hours. Thumbs up for SummerSlam 2014.