Raw (04.12.10)

April 12, 2010
London, England
O2 Arena

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler.

Tonight’s Guest Host: David Hasselhoff! Oh man let’s hope he’s wasted!

Tonight: Randy Orton vs. Batista!

Several druid looking chicks walk out while the word ‘HOFF’ flashes on the TitanTron or whatever they call it now. A few of them have Hasselhoff’s face cutouts on some tongue depressors while the two in the back are holding up big cutouts of Mitch Bucannon as they head to the ring. Cue the Knight Rider theme song! The Hoff drives around the corner of the ramp like JBL used to do with KITT. AWESOME. David Hasselhoff gets out of KITT wearing the flashiest black sequined jacket he could find. Once the Hoff makes it inside the ring, the girls slip out of those druid costumes to reveal they are BRITISH PARTY CHICKS! Tonight is going to be a HOFFtastic night because he feels HOFFsome. Heheheh yeah, he’s drunk. He even tries to quote the Rock’s famous “FINALLY…” catchphrase, but he gets the phrases and emphasis mixed up. Everybody knows Hoff can throw a party that you’ll never forget or never remember – whichever. He makes a match tonight honoring Baywatch with a triple threat tag team match featuring the Divas. Lawler thinks that’s HOFFsome. Hoff goes on and tells us that he was watching Smackdown the other night. REALLY? You were home on a Friday night…watching TV? At the end of the program, there was no number one contender to Jack Swagger’s world title. However, there is one man who has beaten the world champion twice that deserves a title match. That man is Randy Orton and he will face Jack Swagger for the world title. He doesn’t say when or where though. He thinks the two #1 contenders for the WWE and world titles should face each other. Batista vs. Randy Orton is TONIGHT! Well, we already knew that. And now the Hoff awkwardly introduces the first match.

  • WWE Divas Champion Maryse vs. Eve Torres

Eve won a Divas battle royal last week. Cole says Eve is the type of girl who will sit around with the guys and watch football…like your sister. MOMENT RUINED. Maryse SLAPS Eve to start and continues to get rough with her out on the floor. Back in, Eve comes back with a reverse neckbreaker, but misses a moonsault. Maryse can’t help but laugh about it. She goes for the FRENCH KISS, but Eve blocks with an inside toehold and a NICE bridge gets the 1-2-3. (2:00) We’ve got a NEW Divas champion. That was a very impressive finish. You really have to see it to appreciate it. I mean there was NOWHERE for Maryse to go. *

Next, ShowMiz is WALKING!

ShowMiz hits the ring. Before Miz makes his announcement, Big Show tells Miz that he was a little skeptical in the beginning whether or not their team would work. After winning at WrestleMania and winning twice on the same program last week, he thinks they have a chance of really becoming a special tag team. Miz is amazed that a man so large has such a small ego. Miz knows their team is already special. Miz even goes as far as to say that ShowMiz is the greatest tag team in WWE history. The audience tries to refute their statement, but Miz says the WWE Universe has no credibility. Bret Hart’s music plays and HERE HE COMES TO THE RING! If anybody left in WWE can dispute Miz’s claim, Bret can. He says he could name two tag teams instantly off the top of his head that are better than ShowMiz. The Hart Foundation were voted the #1 tag team of all time on WWE.com. The other team he could name off the top of his head would be the British Bulldogs. Miz says that Hasselhoff isn’t the only 90s icon that is completely delusional now. If ShowMiz were around in the 80s, Miz would put the Sharpshooter on Bret faster than he could put a pair of cheap sunglasses on an ugly kid. SNAP! As for the British Bulldogs, Miz is a fan. But even still, Miz would have no problem slapping the British Bulldogs around. Big Show just rolls his eyes at Miz and warns Bret Hart again to just leave. Bret’s not ready to leave because he knows there’s a tag team in the back that can beat ShowMiz. And here comes the Hart Dynasty. Bret mentions how he and Davey Boy Smith had one of the greatest matches ever at Wembley Stadium. DH Smith gets on the mic and says that he knows his father is watching him tonight, so he issues the Miz a challenge. If he wins, then the Hart Dynasty meets ShowMiz at Extreme Rules for a unified tag titles match. Show seems against the idea, but Miz reassures him. Miz accepts DH Smith’s challenge on one condition: if he wins, next week on Raw Bret has to declare ShowMiz is the greatest tag team of all time. You’re on, Miz. Commercial time!

  • WWE US Champion The Miz (w/Big Show) vs. DH Smith (w/Tyson Kidd & Natalya)

And the match starts during the break. Miz can’t break out of this waistlock. He has to elbow out, but Miz charges into a backdrop. DH Smith drapes Miz over the ropes as Natalya gets in a good slap. HOURGLASS SUPLEX! VINTAGE DAVEY BOY! He has Miz up for a good ten seconds. That gets two. Miz kicks DH Smith in the head and delivers a running turnbuckle smash. Double ax handle gets two. DH Smith piggybacks Miz out of a chinlock and drives him back into the corner. He fights back with clotheslines and catches Miz with a powerslam for two. Belly to belly suplex gets two. Smith misses a corner charge and takes the corner clothesline from Miz. DH Smith sees the second double sledge coming and boots Miz down! DH Smith clamps on the Sharpshooter, but Big Show gets up on the apron to bring him off the hold. DH Smith dropkicks him down and Tyson Kidd tries to leap off the apron onto Show, but gets SLAPPED down! Show tosses him into the ring to distract the ref. Meanwhile as DH Smith goes for the Running Powerslam on Miz, Show punches Smith in the kidneys to get Miz off his shoulder. SKULL CRUSHING FINALE to Smith! That gets the three-count. (5:15 shown) Once again, Miz would have lost without his gigantic tag team partner. Decent enough match. Next week, Bret Hart has to declare ShowMiz is the greatest tag team of all time. He doesn’t have to MEAN it, he just has to say it. **¼

We flashback to Raw last week where David Otunga was being a huge jerk to John Cena.

To the back, Otunga and Batista (the DAVES~!) are hanging out. Batista takes off his unnecessary 1960s (I DO DRUGS) sunglasses and tells Otunga to go get him a cup of coffee. Otunga thinks he’s joking, but Batista doesn’t smile back at him. Otunga says he was going to get himself some coffee anyways and walks off. On the way, Otunga runs into Hasselhoff and the Bella Twins. Big surprise, eh? Those two girls will hang out with ANYBODY. Why did Hasselhoff invite Otunga here tonight? Because of Otunga’s movie star good looks? Otunga pitches him a movie idea about Hoff being his adopted father or better yet his grandfather. Hoff laughs until he HOFFS (coughs, get it?). Hasselhoff says he wasn’t the one who invited Otunga, it was John Cena. He make the match for tonight. Hoff looks over at KITT and asks him how long he thinks it will take Cena to put Otunga out of his misery. Dang, KITT was FAST with that calculation. He says 22 seconds. See ya later, D-list. As Otunga walks away, Hoff goes back to telling the Bella Twins this great story about him and a shark. He must have been so brave!

  • Evan Bourne vs. Carlito

Ouch. Carlito doesn’t even get an entrance. Bourne pulls off a great headscissors out of the corner, but Carlito catches a kick and drops Bourne with a sitout spinebuster. Bourne escapes a chinlock and snaps off a headscissors. Running dropkick in the corner gets two for Bourne. He charges again, but Carlito hiptosses him into the corner. Carlito wants the SUPER BACKSTABBER, but Bourne hooks the top rope and comes down with AIR BOURNE for the 1-2-3. (3:47) It’s not like Carlito has done anything in forever, but what’s up with him being on squash duty? ¾*

  • WWE Champion John Cena vs. David Otunga (w/Batista)

Looks like Cena has been watching or hanging out with Daniel Bryan lately because he’s actually doing some CHAIN wrestling all over Otunga. Cena lays in some punches and delivers a pair of suplexes. He teases a third one, but spots Batista and motions for him to come get some. Otunga charges and gets run down with a clothesline. Cena locks in the STF while he’s looking at Batista. Batista turns away as Cena gets the tap out he wanted. (3:07) Batista starts ripping off his clothes and demands his spotlight. The “you tapped out” chants start up again, which just angers Batista more, so he walks away. I enjoy it when Cena actually shows he can wrestle. *½

Out comes Sheamus to talk about Triple H. He knows that HHH only pulls out a sledgehammer when he’s scared of his adversary. Sheamus announces that he will meet HHH in a street fight at Extreme Rules. He sees that as an advantage because he grew up in the streets of Dublin Ireland which is tougher than anywhere in the US. It’s certainly tougher than anywhere in this fallen empire. OUCH. Anyways, if HHH shows up at Extreme Rules, it will be the biggest mistake of his career. Kofi Kingston interrupts and we’ve got a match! Didn’t Kingston just get destroyed last week with a LEAD PIPE? Is he stupid? Hoff has apparently OK’d this rematch and here we go.

  • Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston

Kingston gets out of a headlock and kicks Sheamus around. Sheamus misses a charge and flies out to the floor. They fight on the apron, but Kofi blocks and delivers a turnbuckle smash and follows up with a missile dropkick in the ring for 1-2-NO! Sheamus shuts him down with a clothesline and knees Kingston to the floor. Back in, Kingston battles out of a chinlock and runs into a tilt-a-whirl powerslam. Cover, 1-2-NO! Kingston mounts a comeback and hits the Boom Drop. He leaps on Sheamus in the corner for the mounted punches and then flips back onto the mat. Sheamus goes for the Bicycle Kick, but Kingston ducks and delivers TROUBLE IN PARADISE! Cover, 1-2-NO! Sheamus grabs hold of the bottom rope. They go to the floor where Sheamus grabs a TV monitor and bashes Kingston with it for the DQ. (5:09) Sheamus continues to put the hurt on Kingston by driving him spine-first into the ringpost and then stomach-first into the ringpost! Once he’s got Kingston wrapped around the ringpost, a Bicycle Kick sends Kingston crumbling to the floor. **

To the back, Carlito storms into the Hoff’s office (Hoffice?) demanding a rematch with Evan Bourne. Vladimir Kozlov tells Carlito that Hasselhoff is not here right now. Carlito tells the truth about how the guest hosts don’t care about the talent when they come to Raw. Carlito says if he doesn’t get traded to Smackdown during the WWE Draft, then he’s quitting. He manages to inform us of next week’s hosts: the cast from the movie MacGruber. Yes, another SNL spoof turned into a movie. Carlito says whatever they have planned has nothing to do with the WWE talent. Kozlov says he will get what he wants next week or he will destroy MacGruber in his most evil Russian accent.

We go to Josh Matthews who is standing by with Randy Orton. What is your strategy for your match at Extreme Rules against Jack Swagger, Randy? He has no problem wrestling a match with no rules because he doesn’t care about rules anyway. Winning the Money in the Bank briefcase was the best and worst case scenario for Jack Swagger because Randy Orton is the last man Swagger should ever want to meet in the ring. That match will be strictly business. As for his match tonight with Batista, this is a match he has wanted for a very long time.

  • The Bella Twins vs. Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Jillian & Rosa Mendes

Ha, they’re all wearing Baywatch one-piece bathing suits and slow motion running entrances. Everybody gets the Baywatch theme song as their music too. David Hasselhoff is the special lifeguard for this match. He’s got a perch and everything, but why do lifeguards need lifeguards? Special referee is Santino Marella who gets just about the best reaction wrestler-wise of the night. KK and Jillian start us off. KK does the same stuff she does every week like the back flip and the spinning headscissors. One of the Bella twins tags KK. Rosa yanks her hair from the apron to allow a Samoan Drop from Jillian for two. Mendes tags Jillian and delivers a snap suplex and a slam. Everything breaks down as the Bella twins switch and the fresh Bella gets a small package on Rosa for the 1-2-3. (1:57) Afterwards, Jillian argues with Santino that the Bella twins switched. Santino blows his whistle at her to be quiet and she ends up making him swallow the whistle. OH GEEZ. He passes out and here comes Hornswoggle. Nothing he does works including trying to PULL the whistle out of his throat. Such a bad idea, lifeguards. The Tadpole Splash (also a bad idea, lifeguards) removes the whistle from Santino’s throat. They embrace while “I’m Always Here” plays.

Michael Cole officially announces that the cast of MacGruber will be hosting next week’s episode of Raw.

They show a video package highlighting the International Raw Tour for 2010.

  • Randy Orton vs. Batista

Batista overpowers Orton in the tie-up. Orton changes plans over to a headlock and trips up Batista possibly teasing an STF. Good psychology there. Back to the headlock, Batista backs Orton into the ropes. They trade blows and Batista bails out. Back inside, he charges into the Inverted Backbreaker which sets up the Garvin Stomp. VINTAGE RANDY ORTON! Jumping knee drop misses and Batista dumps Orton into the ringpost. Commercials! We return to see Batista clamping on an armbar. Orton punches out, but gets yanked into the corner. Batista bends Orton across the apron and lays in some elbows to the throat. Orton escapes a front headlock, but Batista runs him down with a clothesline. He heads to the floor and gets the announce table ready for something crazy. As he brings Orton over to the table, Orton nails Batista in the gut and smashes his head on the table. Back in, Batista kicks Orton as he tries to get back the ring through the ropes. He charges for the Spear, but Orton catches him with a kick to the head and drives Batista into the ringpost. Orton fires away on Batista and delivers the powerslam. He drops to the mat for the RKO, but decides that a punt to the head would be more fun. Batista rolls out when the kick comes and draws Orton out for a rake to the eyes. Back in, Orton kicks Batista as he sticks his head in the ropes and then brings him inside with the DDT! Cover, 1-2-NO! Batista shoves off the RKO and drops Orton with the Spinebuster. As Batista picks Orton up off the mat for the BATISTA BOMB, Orton jumps up and delivers the RKO! As Orton rolls into the cover, JACK SWAGGER runs in and breaks it up with a GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB for the DQ! (9:00) Swagger starts to leave like he’s really made an impact when John Cena runs him over and goes right over to Batista for the STF. Dang, Batista tapped quickly. Once he’s had the hold on as long as he wants, Cena gets up and counts to ten! Fun match too with a few good bits of psychology added in here and there. **½

Great way to end the show. Here’s to an Orton-Cena-HHH vs. Batista-Swagger-Sheamus six man tag next week.

WWE Extreme Rules happens April 25 in Baltimore MD. Here is the updated card as of the end of this program.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Batista in a Last Man Standing match
World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton in an Extreme Rules match
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk with Punk’s hair on the line
Triple H vs. Sheamus in a Street Fight

TOTAL TIME OF WRESTLING: 7 matches, 29:15 shown.


Posted on May 12, 2011, in WWE and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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