WWE: RAW
September 3, 2007
Columbus, OH
Nationwide Arena

The current RAW champions are as follows:
WWE Champion: John Cena (9/17/2006)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Umaga (7/2/2007)
World Tag Team Champions: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (6/4/2007)
WWE Women’s Champion: Candice Michelle (6/24/2007)

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

It’s a SERIOUS start to Raw with a great video package highlighting John Cena Sr. getting his head punted from last week.

• WWE Intercontinental Championship: Umaga (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
  

How ironic is it when *Jeff Hardy* is getting your title because you got busted for drugs? Jeff takes a huge butt whooping here. Finally, he moves out of the way of a corner charge, but then he’s superkicked off the apron to the floor. Commercials! When we return, Umaga has found the nerve hold. Jeff fights out of it, but runs right into a Samoan Drop. Umaga tries to follow up with a Diving Headbutt, but Jeff moves out of the way. Jeff tries a sunset flip and nearly gets squashed. He can’t hit the Twist of Fate though, but the Whisper in the Wind gets two. He comes off the second rope right into the Gunnslinger for two. Umaga goes up now, but Jeff crotches him on the top and narrowly gets the pin. (7:42 shown) Ladies and gents, we have a *new* IC champion. Jeff can’t believe what just happened. The finish reminded me somewhat of when Bret Hart pinned Yokozuna at WrestleMania 10, but way more fluky here. **½

In the back, Mr. McMahon has lawyered up and he’s ready for a fight. But first, he wants to be a bit more of a prick to his actual son-in-law by putting Triple H in a handicap match with an upset Carlito and an irate Umaga.

Elsewhere, Maria is apprehensive because Santino Marella has asked for a rematch between her and Beth Phoenix. Santino tells her not to worry because he will be right at her side. You know, having seen Beth Phoenix, I don’t think it would have mattered had he kept his word.

Meanwhile, the RAW GM William Regal gets an earful of what happened when Melina had some kinky, dirty sex with Mr. McMahon. Stephanie McMahon pops up out of nowhere and threatens to slap Melina. Instead, it’s Linda who gets that honor. Judging by that slap, Linda needs lessons in how to keep her pimp hand strong. Ron Simmons drops by for a cameo.

• Beth Phoenix vs. Maria
  

So the WWE Network cuts out this part, but before the match Santino comes out to get something off his chest. It’s about how great it is to bang Maria. The Sandman interrupts for no good reason and gives Santino a beating with his Singapore cane. It was actually pretty funny and I’m disappointed they cut it out. Onto the match, Beth of course has no problem taking care of Maria and beats her with the Stalling Fisherman’s Buster that beat Maria last week. (0:45) Afterwards, Beth announces she’s cashing her opportunity at the WWE Women’s title at Unforgiven. Beth starts calling herself the “Glamazon” starting tonight and gives Maria another Stalling Fisherman’s Buster to send a message to Candice Michelle. Candice tries runs down hoping to stop any more violence. They share a brief staredown before Beth walks out leaving Candice to check on her pal Maria. ½*

In the ring, the RAW GM William Regal announces that he’s given Randy Orton the night off to cool down after his deplorable actions last week. However, he is granting Orton a rematch at Unforgiven. A distraught, and very angry, John Cena interrupts. Since Orton has the night off, Cena beats down Regal and slaps on the STFU until refs come down and pull him off. And there’s another guy written off the show for 30 days.

• Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
  

The winners face the world tag champs at Unforgiven. Since that’s the case, Cade and Murdoch join us for commentary. We see Murdoch hasn’t replaced his stolen hat and has instead decided to comb his hair over with chicken grease. London and Kendrick go after Charlie’s arm early on. He tosses London back with a German Suplex and knees Paul right in the head. Shelton comes in and hits a press gutbuster. London dives for the tag but gets pulled back. He and Charlie knock heads, allowing London to sunset flip him and then dive into the hot tag for real. Kendrick cleans house on Haas and dropkicks Shelton off the apron. SLICED BREAD #2 to Haas gets them the win. (5:13) London and Kendrick get a standing ovation and a handshake from the tag champs. There was some tension over whether or not they would then jump London and Kendrick, but nope. **

In the parking lot, the medics are checking on William Regal. Shane McMahon walks by and has a gander at the GM.

In the locker room, Carlito tries to stir things up between Umaga and Triple H.

Back to the office, one of Vince’s lawyers suggests listening to reason and negotiating, so Vince fires him. Hilarious. Coach gets bumped up to acting GM again.

• Cody Rhodes & Mickie James vs. Daivari & Jillian Hall
  

Before the match, Jillian Hall takes out the bloody gauze from having her wisdom teeth taken out and hands it to Daivari. Actually, it looks more like she had Botox. She begs Mickie to stay away from her face, but then cheapshots Mickie. Mickie comes back and kicks her in the face. That brings in the dudes. Daivari actually dominates, which just seems so wrong. Cody comes back with a Spinning Toehold and a bulldog, but the bulldog only gets two. Cody then finds the DDT and gets the win. (4:37) Hmm, Mickie and Cody seem awfully chummy in their celebration. *

JUST FOR MEN: STAY IN THE GAME MOMENT: RAW, 8/27/07. Triple H bringing out Carlito’s “sister” during Carlito’s Cabana. After Carlito spits apple in Triple H’s face, he gets his butt whooped to set up the Pedigree.

• Triple H vs. Carlito & Umaga
  

Hunter gets preoccupied with Umaga, so Carlito is able to jump him from behind. He tosses Carlito across the ring by the hair. He calls for Umaga to get in the ring. They do the big staredown, but Carlito jumps Hunter from behind again. They refuse to listen to the ref though, so he quickly DQ’s them. (1:32) A long beatdown follows, but Umaga misses a chair-assisted buttalanche. Hunter makes his own save with the chair. Umaga NO-SELLS a few chairshots, so Hunter keeps hitting him with it. He hops out and grabs the sledgehammer. Like a good Samoan, Umaga blades like a champ. Hunter has to hit him a few more times to knock Umaga out. This sets up HHH versus Carlito at Unforgiven and then HHH versus Umaga at No Mercy. Not much of a match, but a great beatdown. It does seem to overshadow the Cena/Regal moment though.

It’s Main Event Interview time! We get a recap of Vince being a total a*hole to his family over the years. Hunter appears on the TitanTron implying he’s just screwing with Vince DX style. He also gets the line of the night, saying “hi” to Stephanie like a giddy schoolboy. Linda, Steph, and Shane ask Vince to change his wayward behavior. Shane tells Vince that he’s a “sick man, but he has the power to change”.

Mr. Kennedy interrupts and declares the mystery solved. After all, his name is “Kennedy”, and Vince’s middle name is “Kennedy”. Not only that, but next week, they’ll be in Kennedy’s home town of Green Bay, WISCONSIIIIIIN! Kennedy dubs himself Mr. Kennedy…Kennedy-McMahon. They share a big hug.

All of a sudden, the plaintiff’s attorney interrupts. He announces that “the tests are back, and the son is confirmed to be a WWE superstar.” Well, we already knew that. We also know from the tests that his bastard son is *not* Mr. Kennedy. The mother offers to reveal the identity next week on Raw, but offers us a clue to the bastard’s identity in the mean time: “things are looking up”. The McMahons congregate about the clue to close out the show.

ECW on SCI-FI is next! It’s CM Punk’s last chance at the ECW title! Until then, so long for now.